there were many thoughts on what to write.. cause my mood was fluctuating throughout..
~
these days have seen me consoling plenty and plenty of people in relationships or were in relationships.. relationships arnt easy to maintain, there may not be a reason to start one sometimes but it became sometimes hard to see the point of carrying on... and as soon as things get tough, that's when it starts to become blurry where the future of together is. I am no expert in it, i can only guide and advise as much as possible and somehow people thank me for it, and i became con with name of love doctor, for perhaps it seems that i could empathize well and understand. Or from what my friends said, I had experienced a lot and been hurt enough to relate deeply.
I once wanted to shut off from the world. I wanted to never have been experienced, i wanted the option to be naive and not think so much. But as soon as i did, a friend of mine reminded me that i was needed, that if im not who i am, or who i was shaping to be, there will be more and more of people struggling, fighting with themselves in their lone battles because they think they are alone in these. And as soon as that happens, a junior of mine called me and i realize that perhaps I cannot run away from it. Some may call me naive or childish because to them, im a very happy girl, one who is easily pleased by things and one who is very gullible. But to me.. I guess I've been hurt way too much to keep being down, i owed it to the people who care and worry constantly for me to be happy. And in truth, I am probably one of the blessed few to be able to be able to be cared and to care.
And here comes the depressing news, most of my closest friends are departing temporarily cause of ns... and it just sucks. to the bottom of the core, sucks. And it makes things worse when after a level, you guys make the effort to stay in touch in each others' lives, and it starts to become a routine that when it stops, it felt so empty and disheartening, because i realize that they had been one of my support ever since jc... where the me who always cry and breakdown in school, i had grown so much from then, my thoughts and my actions, and i guess i had reached a point where they felt a sense of pride for their lil sister and for me, i had begin to let go of things. There will always be scars but it's a matter of whether we wear them as shame or a symbol of triumph.
and at the midst of it all, i guess, i can say i'm blessed and happy (:
Sunday, May 4, 2014
A final stop in Guitar
Guitar had never been my forte. But I had fell in love with it ever since I got a hand of it in secondary 2. But i remembered clearly that even though I was one of the better players then, my teacher often said I lacked the confidence and get so self conscious I stopped playing. And perhaps out of sheer laziness, the idea of playing guitar was soon thrown in the midst of syf and studies.
-
Then came jc where I ended up in guitar. My og wanted me to join choir actually, because apparently i had charmed then when i sang during orientation, i wanted to join council actually, but the heart for music led me to choose guitar. Did i regret? Nope. Because my skills were not exactly up to the standards, I had to train with my buddies who do not have music background, and cause i had piano to back, i became one of the better players then. And often during then, my vice pres would walk around and have fun with us, that was then I wanted to be a vice pres, to look out for the welfare of the others.
When elections came and people started running for positions, i went with my choice of vice pres. Against someone I knew had all chance of winning it, due to her having better academic, due to her having better guitar background, due to her being more lovable then, did i regret running against her? Definitely not. Because I had brought the courage to stood for myself, to say a speech in front of my seniors and peers, to be thick skinned and ask people to vote for me, at the end of it, i had done my best, i got into exco nevertheless, and that started fully my journey into guitar.
-
The first year has shown me a bunch of friends, fanatics who love guitar, who could come up with a new song straight on the spot, who loves to jam and sing, who really taught me the passion in music. They were also the source to my laughter on fridays evening where we will jab at each other and just have fun. I looked forward to each session despite my dreary school days. As time progress, people would fight, between the people who are stubborn, people get backstabbed, people start to prioritize and compromise, i found my workload getting bigger and bigger. And after awhile I realize, in my department, im the sole sai kang warrior. But it didnt mean i didnt have help, i had my guitar pres that became my closest guy friend to date, i had my erratic sx, my perverse rock & roll bro and the quiet zk. They became a family to me.
-
When results came to play, we started to drift apart. All of us did, and i guess i started getting weary of cca. It starts becoming more and more of a burden than enjoyment, but each session, i love poking fun of my student conductor, cy, and watch her jump around like a little kid. Life was good, despite the rush for concert, for end of year trip to japan, even the last event we had of syf. There were many performances I was gratefully for, but none impacted me more than cip concert, where that was the song I had worked hard for and back out because of my cowardice of being laughed at. Did I regret, yes and no.
-
Guitar had seen me cry, over the loss of my friends who started judging me, has seen me rolled on the floor laughing, over the most outrageous theories my friends could debate over on a bus trip or the perverse stuff they would say, has seen me teared, because i was heartened by the care and concern shown to me, has seen my irritation, over my immaturity and my emotional outburst. But it has seen me love as well and lastly, seen me grown.
-
The months I went back to help, I had poured my grouches and my worries into pushing forth the juniors. With each batch has its own fun, its own journey. I walked through mine, growing so much, and learning so much, i had my say in the picking of the next batch, no matter how much of a headache that was, and seeing them so bonded, makes me feel proud, and lastly, this batch of juniors, i hope they walked well, despite what may comes, I know that jjge will leave an imprint in each others' lives.
-
Then came jc where I ended up in guitar. My og wanted me to join choir actually, because apparently i had charmed then when i sang during orientation, i wanted to join council actually, but the heart for music led me to choose guitar. Did i regret? Nope. Because my skills were not exactly up to the standards, I had to train with my buddies who do not have music background, and cause i had piano to back, i became one of the better players then. And often during then, my vice pres would walk around and have fun with us, that was then I wanted to be a vice pres, to look out for the welfare of the others.
When elections came and people started running for positions, i went with my choice of vice pres. Against someone I knew had all chance of winning it, due to her having better academic, due to her having better guitar background, due to her being more lovable then, did i regret running against her? Definitely not. Because I had brought the courage to stood for myself, to say a speech in front of my seniors and peers, to be thick skinned and ask people to vote for me, at the end of it, i had done my best, i got into exco nevertheless, and that started fully my journey into guitar.
-
The first year has shown me a bunch of friends, fanatics who love guitar, who could come up with a new song straight on the spot, who loves to jam and sing, who really taught me the passion in music. They were also the source to my laughter on fridays evening where we will jab at each other and just have fun. I looked forward to each session despite my dreary school days. As time progress, people would fight, between the people who are stubborn, people get backstabbed, people start to prioritize and compromise, i found my workload getting bigger and bigger. And after awhile I realize, in my department, im the sole sai kang warrior. But it didnt mean i didnt have help, i had my guitar pres that became my closest guy friend to date, i had my erratic sx, my perverse rock & roll bro and the quiet zk. They became a family to me.
-
When results came to play, we started to drift apart. All of us did, and i guess i started getting weary of cca. It starts becoming more and more of a burden than enjoyment, but each session, i love poking fun of my student conductor, cy, and watch her jump around like a little kid. Life was good, despite the rush for concert, for end of year trip to japan, even the last event we had of syf. There were many performances I was gratefully for, but none impacted me more than cip concert, where that was the song I had worked hard for and back out because of my cowardice of being laughed at. Did I regret, yes and no.
-
Guitar had seen me cry, over the loss of my friends who started judging me, has seen me rolled on the floor laughing, over the most outrageous theories my friends could debate over on a bus trip or the perverse stuff they would say, has seen me teared, because i was heartened by the care and concern shown to me, has seen my irritation, over my immaturity and my emotional outburst. But it has seen me love as well and lastly, seen me grown.
-
The months I went back to help, I had poured my grouches and my worries into pushing forth the juniors. With each batch has its own fun, its own journey. I walked through mine, growing so much, and learning so much, i had my say in the picking of the next batch, no matter how much of a headache that was, and seeing them so bonded, makes me feel proud, and lastly, this batch of juniors, i hope they walked well, despite what may comes, I know that jjge will leave an imprint in each others' lives.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Take care and goodbye
I once had a talk, not long ago,
about moving on, of how to know
and how to stop wallowing
and perhaps let go.
A friend once suggested,
it is when you stop updating yourself
about his life.
A friend once said,
it is when you stop asking yourself
whether you move on.
Another said,
it is when he doesn't cross your mind
anymore.
Does time matter? the duration of missing someone
Does throwing away everything he gave matter? to stop yourself from missing
Does not doing things you like together helps? to stop the memories.
I started pondering, and getting hung up over the thought
drunk on words, and memories.
perhaps what i need to realize
is that
to let go and move on
-
is not to all.
about moving on, of how to know
and how to stop wallowing
and perhaps let go.
A friend once suggested,
it is when you stop updating yourself
about his life.
A friend once said,
it is when you stop asking yourself
whether you move on.
Another said,
it is when he doesn't cross your mind
anymore.
Does time matter? the duration of missing someone
Does throwing away everything he gave matter? to stop yourself from missing
Does not doing things you like together helps? to stop the memories.
I started pondering, and getting hung up over the thought
drunk on words, and memories.
perhaps what i need to realize
is that
to let go and move on
-
is not to all.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
A Revelation
This will probably the closest to truth I have ever said. And probably cause I broke down yesterday, okay not really break down kindda thing, but more of just for once, in the weeks of pent up emotions, I had let loose enough to allow myself to cry. yep, I actually cried.
-
It's been 6 months, but i have never been one to deal or handle when people I'm close to hurt me to the core. It hurts like hell, like an overwhelming fire that keep burning, and I just keep having those scars, but adamant to say it hurts me. Guess I just thought I'm better than that. But after all these years, it has never been easy to admit the pain just keep reflecting back, stronger each time.
I was always the child that cry easily. Whenever my friends go on vacation, i would cry, even though i know they will be back in a short while. When each time I had to change maid, I would cry, because even a 2 years forged with them is enough to send those tears that I hold. I was always the crybaby, no matter what happened, it seems that I always have a reason to cry. I held back my tears when I was at a tender age of nine, when I seen my mother cry, and that moment on, all the tears that I have cried, I have never once cried again in front of anyone. Or at least from my memory recalled, willingly. Not when my first teacher I treasured past away, not when the first person I opened up to, left me reeling in pain of backstab and gossip. Not when i was bullied, not when I was in trouble. I became my own shield.
-
As I grew up, there were many scars that became painfully obvious but not one I told often. I started having insecurities, paranoia and lastly, trust issues. I started lying more frequently, hiding more. Even when the words came shooting at me, I will be the one to laugh it off, to say I'm fine, or just teased back or insults back saying asshole, idiot. jerk. I didn't like feeling sensitive, I like the feeling i give people, I didnt care, nonchalant when people say stuff to me. Like nothing affected me at all.
-
There were a few people that I did opened up to. And for those that stayed I was grateful but it was always the people I had known to not stay to always prove me right. And at those times I really hated myself, hated myself for being right. Hated myself for not being able to make them stay. I have my own issues, but hating myself, blaming myself always seem easier, as though if only I changed myself, be a little bit better, compromising myself, giving in more and more.. it will somehow worked out. After awhile, I realized that it is their leaving, their judgmental eyes that always hurt me to hell.
-
no more, I would tell myself. No one is allowed to leave me weak, to leave me questioning myself, to keep crying myself over and over again. But each time, each time I was begged to open up, to not hurt myself, to throw away that facade, and each time I would reply, You would hurt me just the same way. You would hurt me and no, you will not just leave, you will keep walking in and out of my life, and you know damn well, I will always let you back in, because i cared. I cared enough to know whether you are hurt, i cared enough that I will want to be there for you, even for your short stay in my world, I will let you in, and there you will, enjoy your stay and afterwards pat the dust off your shoulder, freshened up and leave. And I'll smile at you and say, goodbye. Knowing fully well, i will cry at your fading presence.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
My whims & rants
Sometimes it seems hard to go on each day, like I just want to sleep and never wake up.
Sometimes it seems if i move just a little slower, slower and slower, people would forget me in their steps.
Sometimes I think so long as I suit my role in the person's life, once my role ceased, so would us.
Sometimes I ponder how much do people miss me, when most of the time I spent my days in this torturing mind of mine.
Sometimes I presumed I'm just a superficial reason for people to be together, like I'm a glue, to make the number up.
Sometimes I care too much and got hurt so easily.
...
At times like this, i really wish i dont exist.
At times like this, i really wish to hurt myself.
At times like this, I really want someone to care,
to need, to tell me that they miss me.
To talk to me and make me happy.
...
But at times like this, I realize I'm my own enemy
and I had created this barrier in front of me,
where I can feel the pain
yet hid it beneath a smile.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Loving him was red
I started loving the songs from Taylor Swift - Red and Avril Lavinge all over again, maybe it's just my emotions these day, i prefer slow ballad and emotional songs bah.
~
Side note, it's such a loooonnnnnggggg holidays, like ermaigawd, i have no idea where to spend it, but somehow or rather, I ended up spending it to the utmost best I could. Pursued dancing which was something i regretted giving up in primary school and went on to try to follow up on the passion of animals, taking up something at the zoo. Hope it all goes well. It seems fun pursuing the things I finally love most. :)
Been meeting up with lotsa friends, secondary school clique, choir friends, guitar friends, class clique, dulan clique, childhood friends, even met up with a long lost friend *gasp* well, let's just say I had really missed that basket for leaving without a word 9 years ago, and to know he was still alive and well, was something I had learn to put at ease in my heart. I guess, it was just a gap that was never filled, and being one of my best friend then, childhood sucks a lot growing up without him. But glad to know he is well.
~
A friend once told me that in this year of 2014, i should probably think of 3 things I want to pursue and complete. I think the first two were easy, I said dancing and cycling. Up to this date, I still do not know how to cycle, and that kindda embarrass me a lot especially when I'm out with my friends. I feel like a kid, (not that they're not calling me that already) and it makes me feel that in my childhood, I hadnt grown up normally like the rest. The next was dancing, i really wanted to do that and go on to a stage to dance. Being heavily influenced in the arts sector, I had recited a speech before in public, i had acted out on stage,I had played instruments on stage, I had sang on the stage before, taking up literature, writing poetry but I had never truly dance before on stage and that was something i really wanted to try.. the last I didnt dare mention but most likely it was to get past the relationship hurt in my life. I was still very fearful of love and i really didnt like having my feelings be put at the expense of someone, to throw around and hurt. The thought itself is just too fearful for me and up till date, I still had dreams where i woke up crying.
~
I got my hamster. Likka finally, Named her Star. For hope and i guess i love looking at stars and wishing on them, it always seem to brighten my night up whenever I'm gloomy. For Star, she has always been able to do that for me, whenever I'm sad, she would be able to brighten it up, just like a flicker of star, even though it may not be much, but it was the well needed warmth whenever I'm down. I'm grateful for this birthday present of mine, and i think it was probably one of the best presents anyone could have given me.
I would love to update more but i have a session for the juniors to rush through so adios for now~
~
Side note, it's such a loooonnnnnggggg holidays, like ermaigawd, i have no idea where to spend it, but somehow or rather, I ended up spending it to the utmost best I could. Pursued dancing which was something i regretted giving up in primary school and went on to try to follow up on the passion of animals, taking up something at the zoo. Hope it all goes well. It seems fun pursuing the things I finally love most. :)
Been meeting up with lotsa friends, secondary school clique, choir friends, guitar friends, class clique, dulan clique, childhood friends, even met up with a long lost friend *gasp* well, let's just say I had really missed that basket for leaving without a word 9 years ago, and to know he was still alive and well, was something I had learn to put at ease in my heart. I guess, it was just a gap that was never filled, and being one of my best friend then, childhood sucks a lot growing up without him. But glad to know he is well.
~
A friend once told me that in this year of 2014, i should probably think of 3 things I want to pursue and complete. I think the first two were easy, I said dancing and cycling. Up to this date, I still do not know how to cycle, and that kindda embarrass me a lot especially when I'm out with my friends. I feel like a kid, (not that they're not calling me that already) and it makes me feel that in my childhood, I hadnt grown up normally like the rest. The next was dancing, i really wanted to do that and go on to a stage to dance. Being heavily influenced in the arts sector, I had recited a speech before in public, i had acted out on stage,I had played instruments on stage, I had sang on the stage before, taking up literature, writing poetry but I had never truly dance before on stage and that was something i really wanted to try.. the last I didnt dare mention but most likely it was to get past the relationship hurt in my life. I was still very fearful of love and i really didnt like having my feelings be put at the expense of someone, to throw around and hurt. The thought itself is just too fearful for me and up till date, I still had dreams where i woke up crying.
~
I got my hamster. Likka finally, Named her Star. For hope and i guess i love looking at stars and wishing on them, it always seem to brighten my night up whenever I'm gloomy. For Star, she has always been able to do that for me, whenever I'm sad, she would be able to brighten it up, just like a flicker of star, even though it may not be much, but it was the well needed warmth whenever I'm down. I'm grateful for this birthday present of mine, and i think it was probably one of the best presents anyone could have given me.
I would love to update more but i have a session for the juniors to rush through so adios for now~
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Lately I've been losing sleep; dreaming about the way we could be
I really love the song counting stars a lot hahahha cause my workplace has this party and i went to this club, (my first time to a club and i was so blur and gong) Hahahah yeah so the band played it and i really love the song. "lately I've been losing sleep, dreaming about the way we could be..." Best way to describe my feelings these days.
~
well exams has finally ended. It has been a crazy ride, i can't imagine how many times i break down trying to get through the stages, how many papers I did, or how much of an annoyance i am to the people around me. But I'm utterly grateful to the dulan clique for being there for me, the UN people, of course grace, joes, qian and the list will just prattled on. But ironically my motivation also came from you as well.. ced. I dont know what is our status now but I'm grateful to you too, for being there for me when I was panicky for my papers.. which was weird that you still am the only person that could cheer me up and really calm me down. We cannot handle each other, I dont exactly claim I need you in my life. But subconsciously or not, I see myself being there for you or caring for you and I owe those tears and stupid smiles to you.
~
The year is slowly getting to a closure. I guess i've grown a lot this year compared to any time in my life. Been a lot clearer and moments started becoming fleeting. I love hard, I learn to be the best of myself. Being strong in my life, for the people i care and love, and being there for them as well. I'm blessed to have many people caring for me, and always feel so sheltered with love by friends. I can never go through 2013 without ya guys, and for all the crazy moments, thanks for sharing it with me. Shout out to my bestie who is still attached, last long to yaaaaaa~~~ Crazy girl who dont meet up with me but each time we do, you have always been there to hear me bitch about life. Also to my best guy friend, thanks for the times spend listening to me rant, thanks for sharing and enlightening me about the present, not the past or the future but just the present. Thanks grace for always listening to me, and even though i tio spammed by you a lot a lot, but I always enjoyed the times we spent. Heheheh :x Of course i can never forget qiannnnn, we became one of the close friends I could talk to, and our relations is so funny that everyone always give me the disbelief when I said how we met. Thank you so much for always having me over. Love cat so mucchhhh as well for always always always meeting up with me, even for just pure randomness and travelling singapore with me. We're crazy twins i swear.
~
Then there's you, ced. I'm honestly not the strongest person when it comes to dealing with emotions. But you're the first guy I can proclaim I would drop everything just to make sure you're okay. And i guess you're also the first guy I can truly claim I gave my all in loving you. Though it's so confusing and complicated now, but it has never once make me regret knowing or loving you. Loving you was a choice or a mistake i was glad to make. There was moments of anger, of fear, of tension, but there was also moments of bliss, of gratefulness and for everything you do, you make it better in my life. Thanks to you, I learn to work hard for my exams, i stop giving a shit about what people think of me whether they're judging me, thanks for teaching me to be strong, to be more in control of my emotions.
"But baby, I've been, I've been praying hard, Said, no more counting dollars. We'll be counting stars"
~
well exams has finally ended. It has been a crazy ride, i can't imagine how many times i break down trying to get through the stages, how many papers I did, or how much of an annoyance i am to the people around me. But I'm utterly grateful to the dulan clique for being there for me, the UN people, of course grace, joes, qian and the list will just prattled on. But ironically my motivation also came from you as well.. ced. I dont know what is our status now but I'm grateful to you too, for being there for me when I was panicky for my papers.. which was weird that you still am the only person that could cheer me up and really calm me down. We cannot handle each other, I dont exactly claim I need you in my life. But subconsciously or not, I see myself being there for you or caring for you and I owe those tears and stupid smiles to you.
~
The year is slowly getting to a closure. I guess i've grown a lot this year compared to any time in my life. Been a lot clearer and moments started becoming fleeting. I love hard, I learn to be the best of myself. Being strong in my life, for the people i care and love, and being there for them as well. I'm blessed to have many people caring for me, and always feel so sheltered with love by friends. I can never go through 2013 without ya guys, and for all the crazy moments, thanks for sharing it with me. Shout out to my bestie who is still attached, last long to yaaaaaa~~~ Crazy girl who dont meet up with me but each time we do, you have always been there to hear me bitch about life. Also to my best guy friend, thanks for the times spend listening to me rant, thanks for sharing and enlightening me about the present, not the past or the future but just the present. Thanks grace for always listening to me, and even though i tio spammed by you a lot a lot, but I always enjoyed the times we spent. Heheheh :x Of course i can never forget qiannnnn, we became one of the close friends I could talk to, and our relations is so funny that everyone always give me the disbelief when I said how we met. Thank you so much for always having me over. Love cat so mucchhhh as well for always always always meeting up with me, even for just pure randomness and travelling singapore with me. We're crazy twins i swear.
~
Then there's you, ced. I'm honestly not the strongest person when it comes to dealing with emotions. But you're the first guy I can proclaim I would drop everything just to make sure you're okay. And i guess you're also the first guy I can truly claim I gave my all in loving you. Though it's so confusing and complicated now, but it has never once make me regret knowing or loving you. Loving you was a choice or a mistake i was glad to make. There was moments of anger, of fear, of tension, but there was also moments of bliss, of gratefulness and for everything you do, you make it better in my life. Thanks to you, I learn to work hard for my exams, i stop giving a shit about what people think of me whether they're judging me, thanks for teaching me to be strong, to be more in control of my emotions.
"But baby, I've been, I've been praying hard, Said, no more counting dollars. We'll be counting stars"
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