flickering thoughts

it's been a fateful year since well, the event I did happened. technically one more week to go but then the event happened this weekend so.. ahahah.
it brought back this twisting dark swirl. of the amount of pain, sweat and tears that came from putting up a good event, and how much I just keep struggling on
being okay and being strong. Even when it was so hard to continue, I felt like I had to give it my best shot and even then, I told myself that I always had
someone waiting for me back in hall to rely on. But even then that fell apart.

it's so strange isn't it.
in the midst of loving you, i ended up letting you go.

strange i never thought a year could pass just like that
and this time, with you not at my side anymore.
honestly some nights are a little harder.
but I guess it also showed
that the heart was capable of loving after all.
even after all that has happened.

;among the crowd

pole showcase just ended awhile back and i'm still feeling the effects from it.
perhaps it was from this great yearning to perform once through dance and the amount of sheer time/efforts spend just making sure everything is okay, I'm just really glad we pulled it off albeit the minor hiccups. (or major if i'm being a bitch to myself)

reminded me of the times back in cheer, where ego is such a real thing. I realise that when I started doing pole, it is just the same. Whether to execute a difficult stunt or just downgrade it to something simpler, man, my pride always rule.

somehow a part of me couldn't invite anyone for showcase, maybe i guess there was so much worry and insecurities of it not turning out well or that my fat rolls will start coming out ahahah, I am still utterly self conscious of my body. A part i guess was because it still hurts I guess, that the person who first accompanied me to my first ever pole trial, would never be able to see it, and to replace that, feels utterly painful. Call it a fool's wish, but it's just something I wasn't able to let go at all. And then seeing everyone with someone to watch them, or to cheer for, it just destroyed me there, how much i just keep putting my emotions on a backend and how much it keeps biting me back at my ass.

but i guess, knowing he is happy now, i guess that is enough for me.
--

該說的 別說了
你懂得 就夠了
真的有 某一種悲哀
連淚也不能流
只能 目送
我最大的遺憾
是你的遺憾 與我有關
沒有句點 已經很完美了
何必誤會 故事 沒說完

還能做什麼呢
我連 傷感 都是 奢侈的
我一想念 你就那麼近
但終究 你都不能
陪我到 回不去的 遠方

我感覺到幸福
是看見你幸福
曾經親手把時間變慢
可惜我們 沒有等 我們

;

I wanted you to be there when I fall
I wanted you to see me through it all
I wanted you to be the one I loved
I wanted you, I wanted you

I wanted you to hold me in my sleep
I wanted you to show me what I need
I wanted you to know just how down deep
I wanted you, I wanted you

goodbye raven

was it stupidity or just a childish hope?
-
it felt like a final note to seeing you guys. 24 men team. It was something that you guys fought for, over and over again.
and this time, you guys made it.
I debated for a long time whether i should go, whether I should just leave it all behind.
but I guess a part of me still earnestly want to be there, to see it, one last time.
-
yet perhaps I wasn't ready,
wasn't ready for all the hurt that follow
of people judging me, for being the cause of the heartbreak
or for the accusation that I left you for someone else, or that I'm already full fledged dating again.
-
in that midst of the crowd, with a blown out panic attack,
or tears that threaten to spill.
i dont regret going. I dont regret being there seeing the progress all these years.
i dont regret cheer.
---

in the crown of thorns,
i enthrone us
the knifes i hurl at myself
the wounds i keep picking
as I spiral once more
with blood trickling.

maybe it's because ravens belong to the sky
while I belong to my solitude.

melted popsicles

like a wrenching blow to the gut,
it's been almost half a year since we last spoke, yet it felt like
this pain is a fresh one each time.

i once thought it will get easier over time.
but it seems like time only made it harder to get over you.

tell me. are you doing well. and if you have, have you move on from me.

my wounds I leave in this trench

saw this line:

"You used to say: I love you as much as you love me. Now tell me,
why aren't you hurting the same as me"
--
and it hits so deeply and the past few days,
of seeing cheer, seeing you, seeing you getting your license.
Seeing you moving on without me.
Seeing you losing weight and seeing that smile in you died a little.

My heart aches grew.

Seeing uni, seeing hall. Seeing the places we used to hang during supper.

Fuck.
tell me why am I still not over you.

no more ifs.

It's been four months and being reclusive has been good to a certain extent.
as I open up to the world, I find myself lashing out at people whenever you are mentioned, like venom to my tongue.
It's not worth it, I tell myself, it's not worth your anger, your reasoning. They believe the worst version of you
that was spun out of misunderstandings and lies.

But what I couldn't fathom was how you seek to actively remove me out of your life
like a pest. a stain on your clean records. To erase away, to reformat.
perhaps I could understand that you did it to ease your hurt
maybe you did it to move on
and holding on to someone who left has never been my strongest suit
---
it struck me then.
I said to myself once
right before things went terribly wrong.

if you had just ask me how was I
how was I doing without you
was I eating well
was I cutting
I told myself if amidst all that pain
you found yourself still willing to care for me

i told myself i wont turn back
i told myself i would just give in

but you never once said it
not till the end
right before you say goodbye
right before you left

and all that ifs
but you never once look my way.