I always wonder whether my past self would be okay with
where I am today. Would she be happy with the choices I make,
the things I gave up?

But hey past daphne,
thank you.
Thank you for not giving up on life
Thank you for giving me the chance
to experience so much.

"If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: We all want everything to be okay. We don’t even wish so much for fantastic or marvelous or outstanding. We will happily settle for okay, because most of the time, okay is enough."

not sure whether i ever write this before or whether somehow wrote about this:

somewhere between here and now,

i think this sadness can swallow me whole

2017;
gee I don't even know where to start.
2017, you have been a whirlwind. You see me struggle through my academics, as I keep trying and trying to do better than myself, keep beating myself up, stressing myself out when group mates are not on par with expectations. You see me giving my all, and that sometimes even if you give your all, you may still fall shy of where you want to be. And somehow I keep waiting for the brick of disappointment to hit me over and over again, but somehow I am still relatively okay, maybe it's because there has just been so much other emotions trailing through me.

This year, I have lost my family. When your family only consist of one person, it makes it especially hard to swallow when you realize how much you miss the days when you were younger. I remember the first few moments when she came over and how much I was trying to assert my independence. Haha what was an 8 year old thinking back then? Man, 14 years just pass like this, it feels surreal to have went through one of my most painful years, thinking I won't be able to survive and to be here now, standing. I'm gonna miss the late night talks, the times we go to pasar malam, or when I was adventurous enough to learn a little of cooking. I remember those moments where you spend grocery shopping with me or just walking around anywhere in general.  I miss the times when you gave in to my childish demands for any food or drinks I want simply because you know how stubborn or picky I can get with food. I am already missing you and knowing you will perhaps be in a better place, makes me feel a little better at least for you. Even when you could not understood my pain, you still were there for me, through it all. I love you and thank you.

on a less somber note, 2017 has seen me:
- pissed drunk
- with neon pink hair
- first oversea trip with friends
-volunteer at the reef ecology lab
-make new bunch of friends
-went back to crescent
-met boyfriend family
-moved to a new house
-been on crutches
-created a webpage
-wrote a paper which i think is going to be published heh
-did cosplay as arya!
-did a game of throne marathon
-met all of boyfriend fwen
-became close to mel's brother HAHA
-cycled around coney island even though i dont know how to cycle
-went for my friends' wedding
-chopped off my hair until damn fucking short, sobs i missed my long hair

HAHAHAHA okay my list is just nonsense, but thanks 2017, I grew even more, I learn a little more about myself and I'm still going down the rabbit hole, exploring this world.