flickering thoughts

it's been a fateful year since well, the event I did happened. technically one more week to go but then the event happened this weekend so.. ahahah.
it brought back this twisting dark swirl. of the amount of pain, sweat and tears that came from putting up a good event, and how much I just keep struggling on
being okay and being strong. Even when it was so hard to continue, I felt like I had to give it my best shot and even then, I told myself that I always had
someone waiting for me back in hall to rely on. But even then that fell apart.

it's so strange isn't it.
in the midst of loving you, i ended up letting you go.

strange i never thought a year could pass just like that
and this time, with you not at my side anymore.
honestly some nights are a little harder.
but I guess it also showed
that the heart was capable of loving after all.
even after all that has happened.

;among the crowd

pole showcase just ended awhile back and i'm still feeling the effects from it.
perhaps it was from this great yearning to perform once through dance and the amount of sheer time/efforts spend just making sure everything is okay, I'm just really glad we pulled it off albeit the minor hiccups. (or major if i'm being a bitch to myself)

reminded me of the times back in cheer, where ego is such a real thing. I realise that when I started doing pole, it is just the same. Whether to execute a difficult stunt or just downgrade it to something simpler, man, my pride always rule.

somehow a part of me couldn't invite anyone for showcase, maybe i guess there was so much worry and insecurities of it not turning out well or that my fat rolls will start coming out ahahah, I am still utterly self conscious of my body. A part i guess was because it still hurts I guess, that the person who first accompanied me to my first ever pole trial, would never be able to see it, and to replace that, feels utterly painful. Call it a fool's wish, but it's just something I wasn't able to let go at all. And then seeing everyone with someone to watch them, or to cheer for, it just destroyed me there, how much i just keep putting my emotions on a backend and how much it keeps biting me back at my ass.

but i guess, knowing he is happy now, i guess that is enough for me.
--

該說的 別說了
你懂得 就夠了
真的有 某一種悲哀
連淚也不能流
只能 目送
我最大的遺憾
是你的遺憾 與我有關
沒有句點 已經很完美了
何必誤會 故事 沒說完

還能做什麼呢
我連 傷感 都是 奢侈的
我一想念 你就那麼近
但終究 你都不能
陪我到 回不去的 遠方

我感覺到幸福
是看見你幸福
曾經親手把時間變慢
可惜我們 沒有等 我們