I like to think each year of my life has always been a lot of things that have taught me lessons that carry me through my life or just been a lot of memorable events but man, when I say I was going to kick 2020 in the ass, I would have never expected how many things would have happened in just a span of one year.
Obviously the biggest thing that was to hit was Covid. Covid brought about a halt to many of the goals I have set up and of course it has given me a lot of clarity as well towards so many things in my life. I can't begin to fathom how much lives it has took directly and indirectly and I see personally how many lives of my friends have been affected, be it a loss of job or even a loss of relationship. I recall mentioning to people about how it was really tough during the lockdown period and it just struck me on elderly folks who have nothing to do and I guess how much loneliness kill. I am thankful for the age of technology where I can still mimic some semblance of interactions with the outside world, somehow it helped me reconnect with few friends that I have lost touch with and definitely forge new friendships during that period.
beyond just lockdown, it was also the year that I dared to take all that steps forward. 2019 I kept feeling like I pushed myself further and further, trying out different activities just so I can feel like justifying to myself on the loss of the relationship and how I have to prove that this is the reason why I should be living a certain life because of it. I guess because of that, I didn't allow myself to grieve for a very long time and hence the numerous breakdowns. Even till 2020, there were still moments where it haunts me, and I am glad that there are people along the way that got me through those rough spots.
I think for the longest time I kept persuading myself to stay in this toxic environment of mine, simply giving myself the excuse that it is what I have known and that I should be able to handle it by now. But I am glad that eventually I got out of it albeit not 100% ready. But to be out on my own, man it was definitely very different. It was finally a place I could call my own, that I have to pay bills for, that I am in charge of my life in every bit of the way. Did it scare me? Heck yes. It also made me confront many terrible habits of mine, there was many moments still I beat myself up for all the guilty pleasures I have for feeling safe and okay, but I have learn to slowly learn to be more at peace with myself and take more conscious effort to take care of myself now.
Mental health 101 also means that I also took the leap to see a counsellor this year. It was a really scary feeling for me cause I think for the longest time, people/partners have been asking me to see one because it felt like they reached a point where they could not help anymore and I always just get so afraid, because of the past scars I have. I think what really helped was knowing that counselling is 100% okay, doing the research on finding affordable ones and just knowing that there are friends who have been to counselling before and hearing their experiences. I think pole fam really helped me a lot in this because I think through my interactions with them, I feel like I was able to articulate my boundaries clearer and seeing them take steps towards being more conscious towards protecting their mental health, make me more clearer on the things I am feeding my mental self and it has not been pleasant. So tldr, was a nerve wreck seeing one, but when I finally did, thank goodness the counsellor was someone that click, so I found it easier to tackle some of the things I have trouble with as well as finally, opening up about my dad. I don't think I am ready to tackle that part of my life yet but I think the fact that I was able to finally do it on my own accord to share it with a professional (and that she did not think I was lying) make it a really big milestone in my life.
2020 had many huge ass milestones in my life, I used to think I will only be able to hit them one day kindda thing and to have so many of them all suddenly checked off my list, made me honestly a bit lost and I really am not sure where to go from there, but I got to keep reminding myself that I need to take the time to enjoy all these moments of mine. But yea so I decided to write down in the next post all the things in my life that have made up by 2020.
