I know we haven't met yet, but honestly? I'm kindda excited to see what this year has shaped you to be. So many big events, this year after all is a pretty busy year, the biggest of them being you getting married and you moving overseas.
I guess putting out here is also a declaration of sorts, of my resolve to you to accomplish everything we have spoke about ever since we were young. We had dreamt of so long to move away, to get out of this place where it just doesn't feel like we belong, that now with it being so near, all the confidence is kindda met with this bittersweet ache.
I mean you and I both know even after this year ends (probably when you will read back to this), that we still have a bit of time left before we had to bid goodbye and who knows, we may very well come back, but in the foreseeable future, this is it. This is us making our mark and going out there. God that makes me nervous, are you just as nervous 12 months down? I bet you will be a nervous wreck HAHA well I did what I could and have tried to plan as much as I can so that I hope you will at least not be moaning about how I should have planned harder.
I guess putting out here is also a declaration of sorts, of my resolve to you to accomplish everything we have spoke about ever since we were young. We had dreamt of so long to move away, to get out of this place where it just doesn't feel like we belong, that now with it being so near, all the confidence is kindda met with this bittersweet ache.
I mean you and I both know even after this year ends (probably when you will read back to this), that we still have a bit of time left before we had to bid goodbye and who knows, we may very well come back, but in the foreseeable future, this is it. This is us making our mark and going out there. God that makes me nervous, are you just as nervous 12 months down? I bet you will be a nervous wreck HAHA well I did what I could and have tried to plan as much as I can so that I hope you will at least not be moaning about how I should have planned harder.
and hey you, regardless of what happened, please take a breather. I know we are sucky at taking breaks and we simply keep ourselves busy, maybe it was a trauma response or how we cope previously, but we don't have to do this anymore. Says me as I have almost filled up every single week with pole, but it is true, take a break, play some games, do some art, make your heart full.
I sound like a smart ass there don't I? But man what a journey it has been, I wonder how marriage life will treat you. I never once thought I was capable of marriage, with my feet half the time ready to fly, afraid that if I settle, I will get resentful of my partner or my life. I think a part of me just believe that I was not suitable to be with someone, with all the insecurities and baggage that I carry, but someone once told me way back when I met him that I don't have to solve it right away, I can just carry it with me and move along, find peace with it. Somehow that stuck with me till now and I feel like we also tend to be way harder than ourselves just because it is easier.
Working through all these really took a lot of crying, breaking down and analyzing on why was I uncomfortable, why was I upset, what was the rationale behind it. I love the communication we have now where we will actively mention how sometimes we took things the wrong way based on what others have said. I know it took us a long time to heal from the previous relationship and sometimes it do still sting, but hey, either way I am proud of where we are now, and I hope you will be too. While I am still pondering and reflecting on my growth to get here, you have already gone through it. Guess it has not hit me yet since I am still in the midst of planning, also having to plan for your own wedding, arranging weekend trip back to thailand, going to a wedding overseas a month before your own and on top of that, take on new university course and pole term is not a fucking breeze.
I guess a part of me writing here is also the nostalgia, I used to write here as a form of outlet, but as time grew and I got more busier, it just became harder to pen down what events has changed me or how different or strange it is to read my past entries and somehow not really connecting with the person I used to be. A part of it was just that heartbreaks are easier to write/channel, not that I stop having any low or bad periods, but as compared to the shitstorm or I like to call my black out period of 2018 - 2020, it has been just a pretty hectic few years afterwards.
--
Working through all these really took a lot of crying, breaking down and analyzing on why was I uncomfortable, why was I upset, what was the rationale behind it. I love the communication we have now where we will actively mention how sometimes we took things the wrong way based on what others have said. I know it took us a long time to heal from the previous relationship and sometimes it do still sting, but hey, either way I am proud of where we are now, and I hope you will be too. While I am still pondering and reflecting on my growth to get here, you have already gone through it. Guess it has not hit me yet since I am still in the midst of planning, also having to plan for your own wedding, arranging weekend trip back to thailand, going to a wedding overseas a month before your own and on top of that, take on new university course and pole term is not a fucking breeze.
I guess a part of me writing here is also the nostalgia, I used to write here as a form of outlet, but as time grew and I got more busier, it just became harder to pen down what events has changed me or how different or strange it is to read my past entries and somehow not really connecting with the person I used to be. A part of it was just that heartbreaks are easier to write/channel, not that I stop having any low or bad periods, but as compared to the shitstorm or I like to call my black out period of 2018 - 2020, it has been just a pretty hectic few years afterwards.
--
