Cutting Ties

Maybe just maybe,
I decided to stop hurting myself.
To not live in denial anymore.

Your sorry cuts like a knife,
my heart could no longer take.
Instead of bleeding,
the red lines serve well to remind me.

I really hate how I'm feeling this way.

Saw this and well, why not?

Definition of lie:
1. a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive an intentional untruth a falsehood
2. to express what is false convey a false impression.

My definition?
Any lie, be it a white one or a black or who knows what colour, is still a lie. And the thing about lies? They get back to you one day, no matter how hard you try to cover up it, or whatever reason or motive you have behind it, a lie will be found out. When you lie to someone, please just remember this. A friend had believed in you, genuinely believed in your lies. The one who has trusted you to say the truth. You know what really irritates me, when people lie, about the most grave matters. That's as good as breaking a promise.

Maybe I'm still used to ranting on my blog.
And this blog have been dead so yep.
One reason why I'm not posting on OD, or the other blog or tumblr,
is just because there are people there that reads.
~
Talk to Joes, and I really broke down.
The emotional roller coaster has really drained me beyond what I had expected.
These few days haven't been my best, I had lost to my own natural defense
of always curling to one corner and sleep it off.
I think I'm gonna beat my record of sleeping for so long since 2 years ago.

I really don't want to fall back to who I was 2 years ago,
and i'm on the brink of doing so.
The depression will sink in every once and then,
I can hear their laughter, still mocking me.
I can still remember the promises she ask me to keep,
that if anything, call her. And tell her that I'm not alright.
I'm not okay yet I'm not picking up that phone call,
I'm suffering yet I'm doing nothing about it.
I want to cry, but every single time i cry,
I always feel upset even more when I keep crying over the same reasons.

To add on, when i told you my results, I really
wanted to hear was your congratulations, your freaking acceptance
that the decision i made is a good one. Yet what did you reply me,
So are you glad about it? What the shit do you want me to reply that,
your underlying tone of sarcasm as though I could not hear.
It hurts, when you invited me to some random who the hell know what event
expect me to bloody turn up for it, or it means I put other priorities over me.
What the crap do you want me to do. show up and be feeling like I made
the worst decision in my life because you always, never fail to leave me out?
Or not, and feel really bad for treating those people who have brought me out.
Double edged sword you are.

So tell me when is enough,
how much of laughter directed at me do you wish for me to endure
and how many fake front do you want me to put, as though I'm happy.
Screw it.
I'm tired of all the hurt that has been accumulating, I want you to care.
But it's as good as giving you the trigger, knowing you will shoot me down.
I want to give up but i can't. So i always linger, knowing fully well, you have
that every right to hurt and leave me at any time.

the night is long, it really ache and hurt.
this time round, I can't even begin to think
about what is wrong or right.
I can't bear to talk to anyone,
the feeling of being a burden is really weighing me down again.

Instead of who i am 2 years ago,
I'm falling deeper into this spiral.
this dark abyss
that i swore i will never step foot in.

The beating of heart race faster. Faster and faster.
Threatening to consume me.