was reading through my secondary school posts and thinking about what have been happening for the past few days...
I.. have realized.. that the layers of myself that I've been discovering, one by one, I'm peeling them off.. remind me of the poem we had to analyze, of how they depicted love as an onion. HAHAHA. Okay.. anyway..
I was thinking of how emo I used to be, depressed.. rejecting every single care and concern, pushing people away.. or the time I was so damn bitchy about people.. vulgar.. violent.. all that slowly fade away.. like a layer I had peel off.. But it had left me scars, leaving me afraid to trust people.. and that leaves me to ponder much.. soulmate ask me today, "it leads me to wonder just how many people do you truly trust.."
Do I even have the answer to that..
Come a new school, a new environment.. I was happy for awhile, when all that slowly fades away as I let insecurities, paranoia seeps into it. I was in a relationship, i was foolish to have plunged head on, knowing fully the consequences, up till now, I haven't regretted it but it has also made me question what is truly love, and whether did I truly love the guy.. Yes he has been there for me, taken care of me, that I'm grateful for. But to say that was love.. maybe it hadn't been. The events that occurs after that, led me bitter and perhaps to a certain extent, anger and hatred towards it.
~ ~ ~
I found someone unexpectedly in my cca. One that loves music just as crazily as I do, one that do just about the most craziest that I do, one who's just as emotional as me. I'll write about him in another post or so. But for now, let's just say, it looks a lot like love.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Screw Logic
I haven't posted awhile but today, or rather recently, I have been really really exhausted. Physically, emotionally and mentally.
People question after awhile, why is your life so drama, why are you so emotional.
Hence the post today; why up till today, I choose emotions over logic
~
Emotions.
Many would not agree or at least won't comprehend why I am so emotional. Emotions makes me who I am, they're a part of me, to ask me to not care, to not empathize, is perhaps to take the me out of me.
Why even up till today, i care so much about the people who hurt me, who might not care about me, is basically because I am not them. Logic will tell anyone, once they have been hurt enough, it's time to let go, to move on, to walk away. I won't, not because there isn't a choice, but because I believe in the good of people. I'm not an optimist, but i do believe in chances.
My soulmate would say " you believe in giving infinite chances"
Indeed, that is my very character. Emotions give me what others won't experience, the joy, the happiness I get, not just from being with people, just looking at things, and crafting words, thoughts out, it's not emo per se, but rather it's because i feel, that's why i feel blessed to be in this life. Because i feel, that's why I am able to see so much more, not just the physical of things, but to look beyond.
Ask a logical person, they will tell you the pros and cons. They will tell you that it is only worth fighting for if the benefits outweigh the costs, I'm not calling them heartless creature, they are rational, they will look towards the facts, the statistics. I will say, emotional people will tell you this, you only live once, forgo the rules for once, not because we are stupid, not because we love breaking law, others call us reckless, impulsive, but you know something, we are the one that will go beyond the extra mile, we will be the one fighting and breaking free, because that's us. You cannot chain an emotional person with logic, they will writhe and struggle, they will be the one walking in the rain, they will be the one dancing in the sunshine, they will be the one at the end of it all, to drop everything of theirs, to find you if they find out you need them.
Not because they have nothing on, not because there is nothing important even if they tell you so, but because even if every single clue, every warning sign and logic tells them it's not worth it, they will look you in the eyes and say, "fuck logic"
I live with emotions because I may regret what i do, but i will never regret what I feel. Because i care, i love, i empathize, I feel so much more. Even if every single one ridicule me for being a fool for going through all this hurt and pain, i will tell them, i will look at each one of my scars, my memories and still I am thankful for them. Because they are what make me who i am today, standing tall, maybe not proud of my own life because of my actions, but thankful and utterly blessed to meet all the people in my life. They taught me so much more, they gave me so much more. Their words, their actions, form a part of me that even if life rewinds, even if chances were given to change anything of the past, I won't. Because of my emotions, I have been a better person than who i can be.
Emotions may be my weakness, but it is definitely my strength. I believe this quote came from the Bible, but it means more than just religion or christianity, it has kept me going ever since.
"for it is when i am weak, that i am strong"
A friend ask, you mean when you are at your lowest, you turn around and that's what makes you stronger? I replied no. What i meant was your weakness is your strength. That's the whole main point. Us being scared of this and that, what do we do with them? we run, we fight, we avoid, there's so many things we could do.
For me, i used to be very fearful of rejections, confrontations, any form of emotion that can come directing at me, i hated it. I hated how my emotions may be too much, because of that I had pushed a lot of my friends away, and maybe a lot of them had also walked away too.
I did get better from there, my fears slowly becoming something that I accept. It's not that I don't fear such stuff anymore, I still do. I don't know whether I fear them any lesser than before, but one thing I did, I had learnt to not be afraid of my fears. That's what I meant your weakness, that part of you that you are fearful of, that you won't let anyone see, that so called monster, that ugly side of you. That raw emotions that you build up, I'm sure everyone has them, some wear it on the sleeves, some hid it, some chained them which later becomes another one of their personality, a so called split personality. They are our fear, our weakness.
I can probably hear the snickers and sarcasm, so how would our fear, our weakness ever be our strength? My emotions makes me who I am today, they make me stronger, they make me weaker. It's a two sided coin, there are different perspective of how we can look at things. And to see and condemn our weakness and say that, that's all there is to them. Isn't that belittling yourself, just a little bit too much?
I believe in searching for yourself. I believe in hoping, in finding strength in your weakness, in accepting that you are weak and strong at the very same time. I am weak, yes, for my emotions overwhelm me, makes me drained and tired real easily, but at the very same time, I am strong, because I have my emotions, i can feel pain, sorrow, anguish, joy, happiness, bliss and the most important thing, gratefulness. Because I am emotional, i can empathize, i can see that i am not alone in this world that is suffering, that is living. I am breathing today.
A logical person will tell you this, overcome your weakness.
I'm gonna say this: Embrace your weakness.
Logic only take one so far, it is emotions that spur us further and take us on our path, they carve and make our walk so much more. And maybe I would like to say, I'm glad I never gave up on being the emotional me, because if I had, I probably won't meet the person that meant so much to me now, and I am glad that the very emotional me has meet the very emotional you, the one I call my soulmate.
~
And i think i will say it once more, screw logic.
People question after awhile, why is your life so drama, why are you so emotional.
Hence the post today; why up till today, I choose emotions over logic
~
Emotions.
Many would not agree or at least won't comprehend why I am so emotional. Emotions makes me who I am, they're a part of me, to ask me to not care, to not empathize, is perhaps to take the me out of me.
Why even up till today, i care so much about the people who hurt me, who might not care about me, is basically because I am not them. Logic will tell anyone, once they have been hurt enough, it's time to let go, to move on, to walk away. I won't, not because there isn't a choice, but because I believe in the good of people. I'm not an optimist, but i do believe in chances.
My soulmate would say " you believe in giving infinite chances"
Indeed, that is my very character. Emotions give me what others won't experience, the joy, the happiness I get, not just from being with people, just looking at things, and crafting words, thoughts out, it's not emo per se, but rather it's because i feel, that's why i feel blessed to be in this life. Because i feel, that's why I am able to see so much more, not just the physical of things, but to look beyond.
Ask a logical person, they will tell you the pros and cons. They will tell you that it is only worth fighting for if the benefits outweigh the costs, I'm not calling them heartless creature, they are rational, they will look towards the facts, the statistics. I will say, emotional people will tell you this, you only live once, forgo the rules for once, not because we are stupid, not because we love breaking law, others call us reckless, impulsive, but you know something, we are the one that will go beyond the extra mile, we will be the one fighting and breaking free, because that's us. You cannot chain an emotional person with logic, they will writhe and struggle, they will be the one walking in the rain, they will be the one dancing in the sunshine, they will be the one at the end of it all, to drop everything of theirs, to find you if they find out you need them.
Not because they have nothing on, not because there is nothing important even if they tell you so, but because even if every single clue, every warning sign and logic tells them it's not worth it, they will look you in the eyes and say, "fuck logic"
I live with emotions because I may regret what i do, but i will never regret what I feel. Because i care, i love, i empathize, I feel so much more. Even if every single one ridicule me for being a fool for going through all this hurt and pain, i will tell them, i will look at each one of my scars, my memories and still I am thankful for them. Because they are what make me who i am today, standing tall, maybe not proud of my own life because of my actions, but thankful and utterly blessed to meet all the people in my life. They taught me so much more, they gave me so much more. Their words, their actions, form a part of me that even if life rewinds, even if chances were given to change anything of the past, I won't. Because of my emotions, I have been a better person than who i can be.
Emotions may be my weakness, but it is definitely my strength. I believe this quote came from the Bible, but it means more than just religion or christianity, it has kept me going ever since.
"for it is when i am weak, that i am strong"
A friend ask, you mean when you are at your lowest, you turn around and that's what makes you stronger? I replied no. What i meant was your weakness is your strength. That's the whole main point. Us being scared of this and that, what do we do with them? we run, we fight, we avoid, there's so many things we could do.
For me, i used to be very fearful of rejections, confrontations, any form of emotion that can come directing at me, i hated it. I hated how my emotions may be too much, because of that I had pushed a lot of my friends away, and maybe a lot of them had also walked away too.
I did get better from there, my fears slowly becoming something that I accept. It's not that I don't fear such stuff anymore, I still do. I don't know whether I fear them any lesser than before, but one thing I did, I had learnt to not be afraid of my fears. That's what I meant your weakness, that part of you that you are fearful of, that you won't let anyone see, that so called monster, that ugly side of you. That raw emotions that you build up, I'm sure everyone has them, some wear it on the sleeves, some hid it, some chained them which later becomes another one of their personality, a so called split personality. They are our fear, our weakness.
I can probably hear the snickers and sarcasm, so how would our fear, our weakness ever be our strength? My emotions makes me who I am today, they make me stronger, they make me weaker. It's a two sided coin, there are different perspective of how we can look at things. And to see and condemn our weakness and say that, that's all there is to them. Isn't that belittling yourself, just a little bit too much?
I believe in searching for yourself. I believe in hoping, in finding strength in your weakness, in accepting that you are weak and strong at the very same time. I am weak, yes, for my emotions overwhelm me, makes me drained and tired real easily, but at the very same time, I am strong, because I have my emotions, i can feel pain, sorrow, anguish, joy, happiness, bliss and the most important thing, gratefulness. Because I am emotional, i can empathize, i can see that i am not alone in this world that is suffering, that is living. I am breathing today.
A logical person will tell you this, overcome your weakness.
I'm gonna say this: Embrace your weakness.
Logic only take one so far, it is emotions that spur us further and take us on our path, they carve and make our walk so much more. And maybe I would like to say, I'm glad I never gave up on being the emotional me, because if I had, I probably won't meet the person that meant so much to me now, and I am glad that the very emotional me has meet the very emotional you, the one I call my soulmate.
~
And i think i will say it once more, screw logic.
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