hey pumpkin
i wonder why i suddenly feel so desolated. I know i shouldn't feel this way but it feel like these days it's getting harder and harder to find a reason to go on. I have actually contemplated suicide and leaving things/people behind in an orderly fashion. And that thought make me really pained inside because as much as it is getting harder to find meaning for things, for people, for life, it is also getting hard to tear apart all those things i have build together, people's confidence that I have worked on. I wonder then pumpkin, did I make any impact in any. Have i became someone who wants to be remembered even just for a little while, because i fear oblivion. But pumpkin, there's another state that makes me more afraid than another, it's being unfathomable.

whiskey dont judge

it's a throb, sometimes a beat louder, sometimes a distant tick
I do not know what i'm missing or what is empty but I know
that I feel detached from you, from everyone. When it hits,
I know. That the monster got me tonight. That I lost.
I should probably say sorry, but each day I'm clawing at my skin
to be okay. I picked at my scabs, wound getting deeper, I wonder
whether you could see, that I am still hurting.

I took the way out to make way for you. I hate that. I hate it when
I'm the one cast aside. It's a painful reminder that the red criss cross
that mark my skin are my own pain and my darkness to wallow. For
this is my grave that I dug, and this is where I place our friendship.

I used to believe i was impenetrable until i met you.