there's a part of me that I think got very disheartened as I keep trying to do things and keep getting rejected. I mean it's all a part and parcel of life and maybe im just choosy cause I have gotten so far and i just felt like there should be some kind of rewards?? I don't know. Probably some self entitled pride that I should get over.

on the other hand, health has been utter bullshit. I mean i may not say it but sometimes i get really scared to even try exercising much anymore because it felt like my heart may fail on me?? which is ridiculous because all the tests have been coming back normal. But heh, i'm still paranoid as always. Probably just start doing some small static and maybe I will feel better. Im getting fat :(

another reason could possibly be the feeling of loneliness. gah, that prick feeling. I mean i still hang out with my boyfriend and all. But the friends that come and go, slowly I see my phone buzz lesser and the people that I wanna meet or that are free to meet are also lesser. And I just feel that pang where I start missing things. Missing people, missing life, somehow feeling like there's a part of me that missed out on stuff. Miss out on camps, miss out on internship. And it just irritates me because I feel like if my life is not going the way I want it to be, then i get very affected and depressed. Gah.

im just afraid. Im afraid that my life would not amount to much and would burden the people around me. but another part of me felt like im always not trying hard enough and sometimes i'm just tired of trying so hard.