you know the feeling where you thought your heart is full and it has no more space for more people, more feeling or anything.
well, it feels weird when it turns out wrong. I was still finding myself making space/room for more people, and that just feels weird.
Maybe it's the idea that I have been losing more people than gaining any that I just find myself resigning to a few handful of humans I could tolerate. But hey, surprises may not be a bad thing.
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So the thing is that day was fucking cray. I was meeting my secondary school friends and though not all could make it, it felt great. Nostalgic even to be laughing, you know those kind of laughters that you just start tearing up but you just don't understand how it is possible that words out of a certain group of people, with the right words, right annunciation could make you just double up with laughter. You just wonder why them of all people, could make you have that kind of response. Anyway, beside catching up to each other, we actually were so bored, we started to walked around orchard  and along the way, I actually managed to share a little, about my fears, my doubts, and perhaps my worries of the future.
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Next came concert. Okay to be fair, I knew that I was bringing myself into trouble, like lots of trouble. I had actually left that group of friends, because well. a part of me felt inferior beside singing, beside playing the guitar, I just feel like I was not myself. Like I was forcing myself to be able to fit in, and I guess a part of me was still soft, and when one of them reach out and ask me if I could support his concert, I just did a hey man. I would. Because maybe I knew that if it was mine, he would have came. And that was all I cared about. But it doesn't mean that it didn't hurt when I was left out again, even after all these years. Watching from the sidelines, watching painfully, because I knew that one person, one person I fucking trusted did not trust in me, my truth and my life.
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So when russ suggested a party and free booze, i was totally done and fuck, the day had been one hell of an emotional ride on my part. So when we got there, russ got pissed ass drunk (as per normal) while I was just trying my best to take care of russ. And i think a part of me got really tired. Tired of having this tight rein on my emotions, on my life. That for once, maybe once, I could be less restrained. The next few moments just took me down to my bottom,  to my most basal self (HAHAHA life sciecne, you corrupted me) to my most vulnerable being. Also left me literally freezing my ass off, im pretty sure i was almost gonna die of hypothermia.
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I would write about the feelings probably in poem, because i just dont feel like talking about it do it justice so.. im gonna leave it in an anti-climatic note