the wind that blow once rarely blow twice

Concert is coming..
I have successfully ended orientation, thankfully i have not acted up during the camp itself but during rehearsal, whichever case, I am glad that i have forged new bonds and relive my times when i was in orientation. Never did i regretted it, things may not have gone as plan, but my 2 ogl partners, i sincerely know was there for me and helped make og27 who they are today, needless to say my og was all i could ever wish for.
Today, went out to buy stuff for concert, it was really weird since I realized that i'm starting to take on the same roles i took when i was back in choir. Yet the stress still hasn't hit home yet, maybe it was caused i refused to care that much anymore or because i simply given in to apathy itself. That I never wish to happen, sure empathy has always been the best part of me, the price itself is not one i would wish to pay.

while having dinner with my non-existent bf, i mean he is not exactly my bf, he was trying his hardest to not be one either, but it was indeed funny and awkward. While sharing on the problems of cca and life itself, i really wonder just why it was so uncomfortable whenever i mentioned about anything to do with me. I mean i can recount events perfectly, but when it comes to my own thoughts and feelings, it's like a barrier that i cannot breach. I never did tell him the truth and with that, i'm really apologetic.

Truth to be told, I've been having recurring nightmares and was visibly shaking/trembling when i was in the presence of guys, it's just that it was never really that obvious when we eat in fast food, as i always use the crowd to make me feel better and would try to avoid contact, subconsciously. My past, still haunts me. With my bf, it seems like that barrier was broken, but for how much intimacy can i go, i do not know. And that scare me itself.

when it comes to groups/clique, i will always feel left out, and given the chance, i will just drift, drift as i possibly can, its not that i love being alone, i hate that feeling of loneliness, call it attention seeking, its just that much that i want to feel wanted, to feel cared for. And the other hand of protection, i care about others, but not myself as much, to the point where i left many to tread on me, so carefully i hid my heart, so when people start to grow closer, the further i would move away. For fear, knowing fully that loneliness would bring about depressing thoughts, but pain itself of any emotional scale would bring me buckets of tear.