Syf ended, I would not say I was exactly proud of my efforts I put in, but what's over is over, there's not much point whining about the past. And that also concluded my last performance on syf stage, and probably my last performance as a performer unless some miraculous event happen..
Last year barbeque, was filled with the hanging out of mostly the guitar excos, laughing so hard just buying materials.. crashing president's house and watching him close his door on us just to tidy up his room, screaming like nobody's business at the ocean, lying on the grass and discovering your friend is allergic to grass.. watching your friend chopped ice with the potential of being a murderer.. and so much more.. though i left early... but at that time, the happiness was easier to see, easier to feel..
This year barbeque, we celebrated 2 of our guitar friends' birthday, the whole process of lighting and relighting cake sure is remember, involving the scalding of finger and wax dripped on skin. Talk about pain.. and i felt left out as time passes on, as though i have no right to join in the fun anymore, i was slowly feeling as though their eyes are piercing me, judging me. Feelings are overwhelming, and while i was buying drinks with the closest guy friend i could possibly have, a brother that watched out for me for the past 2 year, president. I broke down. I couldn't stand the way people assumed, the fact i was actually protecting the person that hurt me, that traumatized me down to the very core. I was shaking, i was finally able to breathe and admit to myself, at the very end of it, i was deeply hurt.
I couldn't describe the feeling.. of how yesterday night went. The amount of sadness mixed in with happiness after a water war started by one of the junior and I. And how okay i felt when i see him send another girl's home, it wasn't that I'm jealous, but i was honestly okay with it.
When i look back, can i still look back at you who like me so and smile? will we be together even then?
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