Take care and goodbye

I once had a talk, not long ago,
about moving on, of how to know
and how to stop wallowing
and perhaps let go.

A friend once suggested,
it is when you stop updating yourself
about his life.
A friend once said,
it is when you stop asking yourself
whether you move on.
Another said,
it is when he doesn't cross your mind
anymore.

Does time matter? the duration of missing someone
Does throwing away everything he gave matter? to stop yourself from missing
Does not doing things you like together helps? to stop the memories.

I started pondering, and getting hung up over the thought
drunk on words, and memories.
perhaps what i need to realize
is that
to let go and move on
-
is not to all.

A Revelation

This will probably the closest to truth I have ever said. And probably cause I broke down yesterday, okay not really break down kindda thing, but more of just for once, in the weeks of pent up emotions, I had let loose enough to allow myself to cry. yep, I actually cried.

-

It's been 6 months, but i have never been one to deal or handle when people I'm close to hurt me to the core. It hurts like hell, like an overwhelming fire that keep burning, and I just keep having those scars, but adamant to say it hurts me. Guess I just thought I'm better than that. But after all these years, it has never been easy to admit the pain just keep reflecting back, stronger each time.

I was always the child that cry easily. Whenever my friends go on vacation, i would cry, even though i know they will be back in a short while. When each time I had to change maid, I would cry, because even a 2 years forged with them is enough to send those tears that I hold. I was always the crybaby, no matter what happened, it seems that I always have a reason to cry. I held back my tears when I was at a tender age of nine, when I seen my mother cry, and that moment on, all the tears that I have cried, I have never once cried again in front of anyone. Or at least from my memory recalled, willingly. Not when my first teacher I treasured past away, not when the first person I opened up to, left me reeling in pain of backstab and gossip. Not when i was bullied, not when I was in trouble. I became my own shield. 

-

As I grew up, there were many scars that became painfully obvious but not one I told often. I started having insecurities, paranoia and lastly, trust issues. I started lying more frequently, hiding more. Even when the words came shooting at me, I will be the one to laugh it off, to say I'm fine, or just teased back or insults back saying asshole, idiot. jerk. I didn't like feeling sensitive, I like the feeling i give people, I didnt care, nonchalant when people say stuff to me. Like nothing affected me at all. 

-

There were a few people that I did opened up to. And for those that stayed I was grateful but it was always the people I had known to not stay to always prove me right. And at those times I really hated myself, hated myself for being right. Hated myself for not being able to make them stay. I have my own issues, but hating myself, blaming myself always seem easier, as though if only I changed myself, be a little bit better, compromising myself, giving in more and more.. it will somehow worked out. After awhile, I realized that it is their leaving, their judgmental eyes that always hurt me to hell.

-

no more, I would tell myself. No one is allowed to leave me weak, to leave me questioning myself, to keep crying myself over and over again. But each time, each time I was begged to open up, to not hurt myself, to throw away that facade, and each time I would reply, You would hurt me just the same way. You would hurt me and no, you will not just leave, you will keep walking in and out of my life, and you know damn well, I will always let you back in, because i cared. I cared enough to know whether you are hurt, i cared enough that I will want to be there for you, even for your short stay in my world, I will let you in, and there you will, enjoy your stay and afterwards pat the dust off your shoulder, freshened up and leave. And I'll smile at you and say, goodbye. Knowing fully well, i will cry at your fading presence. 

My whims & rants

Sometimes it seems hard to go on each day, like I just want to sleep and never wake up.

Sometimes it seems if i move just a little slower, slower and slower, people would forget me in their steps.

Sometimes I think so long as I suit my role in the person's life, once my role ceased, so would us.

Sometimes I ponder how much do people miss me, when most of the time I spent my days in this torturing mind of mine.

Sometimes I presumed I'm just a superficial reason for people to be together, like I'm a glue, to make the number up.

Sometimes I care too much and got hurt so easily.

...

At times like this, i really wish i dont exist. 

At times like this, i really wish to hurt myself.

At times like this, I really want someone to care,

to need, to tell me that they miss me.

To talk to me and make me happy.

...

But at times like this, I realize I'm my own enemy

and I had created this barrier in front of me,

where I can feel the pain

yet hid it beneath a smile.