So what does it feel to remember a topic you used to talk about? And how you can memorise the snide remarks to your questions? What is it like to walk through places you guys have been together and the little things you guys do together at that particular moment and place? When memories filled you as you remember the promises you guys made and the lies you guys said to each other because you dont want them to be hurt. Do you remember the first fight you guys had, and how you guys patch up from there? The first time you trust the person and look into their eyes, wondering whether the future has them in it?
I remember the first time I try to forgo such pain, I was a mess. I frantically try to erase the memories I made just so I won't remember that the last time I did stuff, it won't be with that particular person. I realize then how much of an insult I have given to the times spend together, that even if the person is no longer there, the person was once there for me and I was once happy with them. Then came the bitter resentment of broken promises, of how hurtful it has been that I have clung on so tightly to words that I felt they had thrown away so easily. How pain just rob me to feel anything beside sadness. So many questions I feel like hurling at people yet no one to fully answer me. How can the one who meant so much to me left as though I was nothing to them?
Slowly I started to walk with such crumbling steps because I realise a conversation we once had. Of how much I had depended on people, and how afraid the person was that if she won't be there, I would just refuse to walk anymore, that I would just rot in that darkness of mine. But I remembered then that I said it doesn't matter because if I was going to be a deadweight, I would rather be cut off and learn to crawl out of the hole I have sunk myself into. That was then and I guess somewhere out there, knowing she is still there pursuing what she wants, makes me happy.
Then came many confusions due to relationships and I started having lots of insecurities which led me to get hurt where I could have prevented it. I took too many things to myself and the sadness inside me just consume me at times. When I think of love, I thought it was something forever, that it meant that things will work out no matter what. When you meet your soulmate, the one that understand you and know your thoughts, how can anything go wrong? That was when all I have believed in was challenged, and what I thought was eternal was perhaps just an impulsive move on both side to pursue their feelings.
I remember the times I was hurt. Common line I say, if he really know my heart and thoughts, then why is he hurting me. Doesn't it hurt him to hurt me? And that meant my hurt was doubled, because I had given the other person the position to hurt me more than it should. Don't get me wrong, it is inevitable to be hurt by people. But because I had placed too much significance in each word and emotion, that pain became more and more.
The road to letting go wasn't merciful and many times, I wound back to square one. Wondering to myself where is my happily ever after or whether I would ever have any emotions left to love another. The thing was I really hated myself, hated myself for being emotional, for feeling all that and believing everything that was said. I hated how much I had changed, I hated how much I worried the people around me, and everyday felt like a struggle to survive, to force myself to wake, to eat, to hangout with people. And each day I badly wanted to end all that pain. I hated the other party for awhile for being the cause of my hurt, for allowing me to walk away. I hated myself for making that decision to give up. Sometimes people started throwing remarks of how if you hated your predicament then you shouldn't have done it in the first place. And it make it hard for me to even try to get myself out anymore, because you're right, absolutely right that I brought this upon myself. But I didnt regret it. I didn't regret getting together, I didnt regret loving, I didn't regret the times I spend laughing and being happy, I didnt regret the stuff I learn from them when we are together and what I learn from them when we were apart. I didnt regret the nights I spend arguing and breaking my heart into pieces. I didnt regret knowing I had tried, I didn't regret all the moments we spend together. I didn't regret breaking up either.
Step by step, I went back to the foundation of what I believe in and what I held strongly to. While it was scary to be by myself again, I was no longer the same person when I had stepped into the relationship, but I'm okay with that. I may cry now and then but I had never been anything but grateful now. Bit by bit, I reaffirm the stuff I had known about myself, and reclaim back what I thought I had lost. When I love, I didnt stop loving. But I realize the love I had for each one had morphed from that of a relationship to that of a care and concern. Was I a fool to choose this path? Maybe. But I know more about myself each time and what matters to me.
When I thought that I could stop feeling and be numb, a part of me realise that it wasn't who I am. As much as I want to be selfish and shut the world out, I am not being me at all. And that's not okay. So for me, closure was when you accept everything that has happened and not hold any bitter feelings towards anything that had happened. While there will be scars but I will not hold fault in them for loving me in their own ways and neither will I, hold fault to myself for believing in love and loving people in my life.
Be it for the people who had left or are still here, thanks for making me, me.
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