Resolutions

A friend suggested this quite recently : How about let's write something to a 2015 you? It sounds quite cool to me but before I do that, here's to a 2014 me. 

~

Looking back at all the times I had posted of new year resolutions, most common ones were my wish to stop being emotional and trust people. I used to hate the idea of changing, of moving from one phase to another and for me, it takes me quite awhile to adapt to things. Perhaps it is because of that, I stubbornly held on to my memories and refuse to let go when there are times I probably should have walk away earlier. To be honest, who I used to be becomes foggy and I start to wonder whether I'm just a manifestation of my circumstances and not being who I really am. I think I mentioned it once to a friend and the reply was that we are both. We are who we are and we are also the product of what has happened to us. 

-

So dear 2014 me,

Thank you for lasting through the year even though there were many moments you wanted to give up. I know at the moment then, everything seems scary and you just walked out of your first serious relationship, scars all over. Hey you, I remembered the days you spent crashing at qian's house because you wanted an excuse to run into your ex and how you wanted to prove how much better you are without him. It's okay yknow, to keep caring for someone even when they are no longer the same person you used to know. And it is okay to take all the time in the world to recover from that grief, but dear 2014 me, this is for the numerous frustrations and ugly crying because your feelings got cheated over and over again over him who couldn't make up his mind whether he wants to be with you. Here's a hug and pat that you finally let go of the pain that 2013 you couldn't. 

Being impulsive is your nature but it has also cost you to be reckless with work and school. You start skipping work more just so you can hang out with your friends more. You start to make excuses not to go lessons because you were sick and tired of school. So 2015 me, don't let your impulse take you too far because there are many things that are important such as responsibilities. Don't let your heart rule your decisions too much because the people that are still there in 2014 has changed. Learn to trust yourself more and stop making so much excuses of why you are not doing well. 

Dear you who has worked so hard to stay strong in your decision even making the big decision to change faculty and the endless doubts you had about whether it was just because you were in love then. Let me tell you now, you are pursuing your dreams that you had given up again and again because you don't believe in yourself, so 2014 me, thank you for giving me the chance to pursue it again. Because even if it doesn't turn out well, I know that at the very least I had given my dreams a fighting chance. 

Dear heart, there were moments in times I really hated you for being so fickle and being so adamant. When you should have let go, you held on. You held on knowing you will be hurt. That hurt becomes an excuse for you to push people away and because of that, many times you stop talking to people because you dont want to hurt them anymore. This is for the moments you spent thinking you are back to square one, when honestly you weren't. You were already moving on even though you thought you were still being a silly girl hoping for love. But dear heart, you rejected guys after guys because you refuse to believe in love anymore. You started to cry because you hated hurting people and you thought to yourself why can't you love anymore. Dear you who plunged into a fling because you thought you needed someone who love you more, it wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth making someone's heart broken because you weren't ready. Dear you who gave love a second try and started your second serious relationship, thank you. Thank you for trying again when you thought it was impossible to. Even though it didn't work out, dear you, thank you for trying your best and from there, you learn more about yourself and about relationships. You start to know what you want, what you cannot compromise on and how much things such as talking to the other party or going out just to chill has became the happy moments in your life.

Dear 2014 me, you taught 2015 me so much about who I truly am and how much I have changed/grown in this year. You had tried things you had never done before, you took your first alcohol, you met your long-lost childhood friend, you went for your dreams, you signed up for interviews for committee that you never got in, you went for your first 5km, you stood up against your boyfriend for what you stand for and believe in and 2014 me, thank you for trying your hardest to be strong and trying your hardest to let your vulnerability show. :) The year has been one heck of a journey but also one of the most memorable one. 

-
Well.. as much as I would love to run away from things, after much thoughts, I faced up to things I thought I would never face up to. Probably telling them about break up was one thing. Did what I thought I wouldnt by sending a message to some of the people I have ran away from. And it finally felt like closure. Though I probably still have many things/people I cannot face till now, I felt like I'm no longer as confused or messed up.

-

So 2015,

watch out.