first post of 2015;

I would have wished for a cheerier post but as most of my posts go on this blog, it goes without saying, the mood is pretty set on dead.

I used to pride myself in being less emotional these days, or as the years go by, but somehow I cannot shrug away the feeling that it is still not enough. My emotions still get the better of me and I overthink so frequently that sometimes sleep and appetite become so elusive to me. The pain that I thought I had learn to get used to, becomes more and more each day.

It never struck me how one can wake aching and go to sleep aching. It's just this fucking pain that knocks you down over and over again whenever you want to get up. I can't keep doing this. Not to myself. And somehow maybe it was because of how busy things were in the holidays that when time slow down just a minute or so, it drifts back to where it hurts. And somehow I just dont want time to stop anymore for me to feel the hurt.

At times I just want to shut the world out and just be myself, scream, cry, i dont know. Just to let the pain go away. At times I just want to keep running, literally, run and run, till I'm out of breath, run and run till my heart throbs from beating so fast, till the hurt finally seem to make sense just a little.

But i can't do that, and while I keep telling people to not rush to heal themselves, maybe the only person I should say that to is myself.