Gosh I'm tired already from the start of school and whatnots. But not as tired as I was the previous semester, which surprised me since the modules for this semester is heavier, or perhaps school hasn't truly started for me yet. But i'm loving labs and lesson materials, even though I have a lot to catch up with, the thirst of knowledge is still there and I'm not blindly accepting information as I did when I was in my previous schools. So that's one bonus point of me.
These past few months, I have rethinking and challenging a few ideas about relationships. Perhaps I myself am getting tired of all the questionings I have of it. But it sure has been one enriching one, though sometimes I just wanna shut myself away from thinking about it and blowing the whole entire matter up because, I am becoming more emotional about it. As I went through each process of rediscovering the aspects of it, I begin to understand and perhaps realise what am I searching for in the process of it.
Relationships matter a great deal to me. Be it for friends or bgr wise. I have always held on to the belief that it is something important in my life that I cannot lose sight of. In that aspect, I am still holding firmly to it. While I crave freedom and such, it does not mean I stop pursuing stronger ties with close friends and holding dearly to the memories we shared.
It was then I realized I was in love with the idea of being in a relationship. The idea of a guy being desperately in love with me and cherishing me. Because I seek another person to fill the missing gaps and cracks in my heart. As much as that goes, it wasn't fair at all.
Maybe it was because these days I have seen way too many break ups, way too many people posting about their love stories or come crying to tell me about their heart aches that I begin to feel that love isn't all there is to be. Then come the great big question, what is love?
Is love something that just fades away becomes of circumstances? How do I know whether I truly love the person? Isn't love this great thing that overcomes everything and triumph all? I begin to realize like any other girl or guy, I have begun to demand for my own little fairytale. Nothing wrong with demanding, but it leads to expectations that can't be fulfilled. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that everyone has someone that is made for each other. But in relationships and stuff, my expectations have started to swing both ways, of having too much and too little expectations. My emotions begin to depend on the guy's mood, on whether he is happy, or he is doing well in his life.
So through all that pondering and thinking, a few articles that I came across struck a chord in me. I'm going to share 3 of them here.
#1 My Lovely wife in the psych ward
To summarise it, it was about a guy's struggle with his wife who suffers from psychiatric attacks. Some thoughts about it was of course his acceptance towards his wife. I believe it takes a great amount of strength and courage to be there for your partner. People suffering from mental disorder are not the only victims, their loved ones are as well. That makes me wonder whether I could find someone that could accept that part of me. I have been in and out of remission of panic disorder for a few years now. I remember when I was diagnosed with it, I stared at the doctor and wondered if I was crazy or mental. It scares me whenever I have a relapse, because I was no longer in control of my own body or thoughts, it just go haywire. Every single doubt would get amplified and I would just shut down internally. It becomes a struggle to even breathe. Each breath I take hurts, I understood later that it was because I have too much oxygen in my body, which cause my body to stiffen up to control the pH level and stuff. Beside that, I used to believe that suffering from bouts of depression, makes me unlikeable or unable to communicate with people properly, I keep having the notion I was going to die early so what is the point of even reaching out to people when you are just going to hurt them when you are gone? Later on, I realise while it wasn't common, it doesn't mean I was abnormal and that I was still capable of receiving and accepting love.
Then came another discussion of using medicine to stop such attacks from happening. I am not an advocate of it because I honestly hate to depend on such stuff to give me order and control of it. I believe a right mindset and lifestyle would help lessen such attacks from happening and that while sometimes it is scary to leave it to your mind battles and the test of your will, I want to trust that I do not need it in order to lead a life I want. Second comes counselling. While I do agree that we should open up to people to talk things out, I had trouble with accepting the idea of opening up to strangers and have them diagnose what is wrong with you. In my previous encounters with them, it was pretty uncomfortable. A recent talk with my friend about the first time I was sent to counselling, left me quite bitter. It wasn't the fact that we had opposing views towards it, I just feel that a part of me was still hurt over the supposed "betrayal" of someone spilling my stuff and that sent me to counselling which my friend feels is immature of my part, because I couldn't accept the idea of someone doing that even when I could understand the goodwill intentions.
So comes the question in my mind, can one truly accept every part of their partner and what happens if your partner becomes someone else completely, what then happens to the relationship? As much as I would love to say that everyone out there would be there for their partner, we cannot blame them either if they left. Because sometimes it doesn't mean that you dont love the person anymore, but simply put that you guys are just not going to be happy together.
#2 Why she doesn't believe that you love her
I thought this reminded me of myself when I was hurt and broken over my first serious relationship. Some quotes from it, "You can hurt yourself by hurting someone else, to the point where you can’t even breathe and you hate waking up in your own body, knowing what you did and how you made someone else feel. Maybe she loved someone but knew they weren’t the right person for her, so she had to leave them."
This drove the point for me, because I ended all of my relationships. A part of me dies whenever I initiate the breakup because I know that at that very point, I am going to break all the promises of trying to work out the relationship, of the idea of forever and that I will be there. In relationships, no one truly go into it and out of it unscathed. It is the beauty and something fearful in a relationship. A thought of it was that when one enters a relationship, it either move to marriage or to a breakup. I do not know which has scared me more then. And that is why perhaps I had stop hoping for a relationship because I don't want my partner to believe in a future together which I am hesitant about. I do understand we dont fully know the future or predict it, but I do want to know that at the very least, that the person I am going to give my word to, will be the person that I will marry. So when it comes down to it, I still am a girl who yearns to be loved even when I'm skeptical about the idea of love.
In a way, while I used to stay firm saying I dont want marriage or kid, truth be told, after all those thoughts, I am swaying a little, but for me, it has probably going to take a lot of guts from the guy and I to work out all the barriers and what nots in each other's life. But I guess what i'm saying is I haven't given up on love.
#3 This is how she feels when she breaks your heart
I just realize that two of my articles are from the same author, hmmm. This article came at the right time when I was going through my breakup over my recent relationship, ironically I read this article after I accidentally bumped into him when I was on my way to school. So thank God for this.
"She misses you. A lot. But she knows she did the right thing and that’s the life raft that she grabs onto right now. That’s the thing that tells her that eventually, this will all be worth it. She will be at peace with herself and her decision, and she sends out silent prayers to the universe that you will too. She tries to picture you happy, and even though it’s painful, she tries to picture you in love with someone else"
It took a lot of effort to not text and say hi and try to strike up a conversation. I am miserable over this breakup, hung up even that I could not talk to the person the same way I used to. I am going to miss that, miss it like fuck. But deep down, knowing that it was right, makes it sick in the gut. Maybe one day I would be able to speak to him again or that we would even be friends but for now, I am going to be content in wishing that he would do his best and I would do mine as well. Because while it is painful to continue forward, it is even more painful to remain at the same spot.
"She’s shocked over the fact that she’s heartbroken, even though she’s the one who instigated this and said this was the right thing and apparently wanted this. She doesn’t understand why she chose this if it’s making her lose her appetite and her spark and her desire to do anything. She’s just trying to hold on long enough to figure out why she did this in the first place."
There was no running away from the fact that he was that guy that I had chased my dreams together with. No denial that being together fuelled the desire to be free and to work hard. But I couldn't get over the fact that something was missing as well, that it will not work out if things was going to be like this. I trust my heart to know what it was doing and as much as it hurts, I had to say goodbye.
~
Lastly, though I fell away from church and my relationship with God is still shaky, whenever i think of love, I remembered this verse Charlene used to share with me whenever she rebuke me.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."
-1 Corinthians 13:4-8
To me, I guess that's what love is all about. Beside the circumstances and all, I just have to trust in the plans He has for me. Such a longabout way, but I guess that's my answer to love.
it is late, so a ponder for another day.
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