Then came a time where I desperately wanted to change. It seems that any part of me was not good enough, or that I couldn't measure up to anything. I wanted to change my look, change my outlook, change my feelings, possibly everything that makes me.. well me. And that period of time was when I kept asking, did i change? Will I change? Hoping that somehow by changing myself, I would be happier. Wronggg.
Admitting I held grudges was this huge revelation in me. I always thought that perhaps my base nature was never to care for people, that I do what I can because I want people to like me, or that my intentions were not out of good will that somehow I still want some reciprocation back. And I hated how ugly that makes me feel about myself. I held grudges with people that have changed, that have moved on and probably felt that they left me behind in the pursuit of something better. It seemed childish, but I blamed myself a lot when people leave. I blamed myself for not being good enough or being such a mess or that I am too much to handle for people, that they took the easier path and left. It's not to say they didnt try but I guess all along, I just felt hurt. A part of me just never come to terms with whatever that has happened to me, and it was such a bitter pill to swallow from all the times i ran away from my emotions. Effectively shutting out all my inner thoughts and feelings, I was just left with a default retard smile and when things get too much, I just end up lashing up at the people I care and love, and seeing them hurt. just makes me wanna stop talking to people anymore.
With such a state, I find it impossible to love myself. That I have to somewhat punish myself for my existence or something just anything to redeem the pain and guilt I felt towards people. It became so easy to hurt myself and slowly, I gave up on taking care of myself. It's easy to fall into depression, to fall into this deep pit of nothingness, where all I do is stare into space and simply.. just exist. The day and night go by, it didnt matter whether I was awake or sleeping, that numbness felt the same. Of course, with all that thrash treatment I did to myself, I fell sick so frequently, I collapsed so many times.. sometimes I forget all that. of how much I have been through to the me standing here today.
While I still grapple with self love, I learn a lot through the relationships I had been in. Perhaps one of the greatest thing I learn was that I was never someone who was afraid to love, to care... I simply do in my own way. And it never stop. I learn too, that even when two people like each other, they may simply never work out. Thing about relationships and love was that we complicate things.. People start having expectations at the same time they strip down the skin which they need to impress the significant one and go back to their comfortable self. Which was pretty much what happened to me, I grew lazy, I grew lazy in the way I forgot to thank them for their presence in my life, I grew lazy by ignoring the stuff that they did right and criticise what they did wrong, I grew lazy by being expectant of others to be nice to me while I was still bitchy to them.
Perhaps it was all that, that I realize how much I need to take a breather and realize I'm still human too. As much as I would run away from my problems, there is a point where things are going to catch up with me. That goes for family, friends, church, results, relationship and the list go on.
Either way, I remember this phrase in this anime I was watching a long time ago. Struggle, even if it is tough, and when everything seems to go wrong, struggle then. Because struggling is your way of telling the world you havent given up yet and you are still pretty much willing to fight.
change is inevitable and is the only constant
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