I wish I can tell you that it goes away, that I don't struggle with thoughts of not waking up. It hits me really hard today, I don't know why. But the urge to cry was terribly strong, not that it was obvious, but I was trying all I could to just breathe, and just be okay.

I don't know how to say this, but there are nights where I stay awake, wishing to sleep. There are times when I badly wanted to be okay, but I'm not. And it's days like this I wish that someone knew, but they don't. And a part of me is secretly glad for it. Because I don't know how to handle saying I'm not okay, when so many people are depending on me to be functional and okay.

I know it sounds hypocritical when I always tell people to open up and that they can trust me. But I don't do the same to them. It's like something in me died every single time i try to open up to people. I'm trying as much as I can. 

But here's to me trying. Even if my best isn't enough sometimes.