Cluttered mind

somehow there is something wrong with chrome in my laptop, which makes work utterly frustrating since this is also the period of time when most submissions are due. This has now been a case of me resorting to use russ' lappy till i get mine fixed or whenever i dragged my lazy ass down to get it fixed. Speaking of submission, the recent one left me utterly disappointed and frustrated with the work attitude of people. Probably vowing never to work with the particular group again.

Work work work, guess who is struck with food poisoning. It is i, the ever sick girl. I haven't had food poisoning in a very long time, granted there were times of bad diarrhea and all, but ugh, this time round was full blown projectile. That left me utterly vulnerable and shitty about myself the whole entire time. I hate to say it but whenever i'm sick, it's like my confidence level takes a blow as well as i remember all the times when i really needed care and concern most, only to be shrugged aside by the people I'm closest to, perhaps that has triggered me to not love myself as much too.
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I later found out my chrome and safari had adwares. Gasp. Somehow i panicked at the idea of not being able to use my computer to do work, but just once i wished i dont have to rush through assignments and could take a break then i realize i give myself quite a lot of room for procrastination such as chionging my references and appendix on the day of deadline. Gah. I need proper time management, that, all my panic button is like currently on auto shutdown.
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I don't know why but I'm at a stage where I'm comfortable spending my life either in solitude or with one favourite human being. It scares me that I dont feel worried that things may end but maybe it's because I have finally allowed myself to hope a little that things wont go wrong this time round and that even if fights do occur, this would not end. But meh, shall not jinx myself here.
- gah. I'm supposed to write my 500 words report. WHAT AM I DOING.

so le boyfriend was stating that i havent posted in a long while. I find it hard to begin speaking about the past events that transpired during summer. It felt like a painful wound that I still trying to embrace each day.

Well I had always look forward to this semester because I can finally do stuff that I wanted to do (yey!) It's tiring af, because there are so many field trips and reports to write gah. And unearthly hours means my sleep cycle is officially fucked. But hey, still holding on. Been at a loss recently because as much as i love field trips, observing species, identifying them, I absolutely hate reports. And sadly it also means that I might not be very suitable to go into research field and thus leave me rather at a loss of where to go, and it's absolutely frightening because my life in uni may very well be coming to an end, and oh god, I'm not sure i'm ready for workforce or even settling down or start a family. It seems so surreal. Five years ago, I was still in secondary sch and now i'm on my way to paying for my bills.

So last night shook me really hard, maybe it's just I havent really like broke down in awhile. It's a bit exposing kindda feeling, I guess cause well after depression hits, I found it unable to cry and all, then I got a little bit better. So yes yesterday, well it was just a passing remark if anything. But I DON'T KNOW. I GOT REALLY REALLY UPSET AND HURT. Maybe it's because it's 2am emotions and all, but I guess I just really just well, crumbled unfortunately right before a field trip. But I guess everything works out so I'm a happy pill albeit a little okay fucking shag. Which probably means a good night sleep

Speaking of sleep, so recently I have seen many many couples fighting. Call it the summer of breakup spillover or anything. But just feel like as I counsel the couple after another, I unconsciously compare them to mine and I'm just like, is it really difficult? It's hard to find someone who share mutual affection as you so why is there such insistence on pride that you guys just can't let go..? But meh, not my place to really comment much also, thankful that at least my clique doesn't have that much rar rar

I am getting lazy to update   i think it's time for me to start doing work HAHAHA. procrastination game strong, till next time my faithful readers