Ain't nothing but a heartache

so 2017 has seen me actually exercising, though it has been so shitty at first because unfit me aches all over, like I'm aching in places I didn't even know was possible, like who knew you need your side abs to help you balance, I mean not like I'm good in balance but each immediate day after gym sees me wobbling around and falling around since it is too painful for me to brace myself to keep myself stable. But each time is definitely getting easier, and I begin to feel weird if i were to skip any gym session. (This should not be used as blackmail material for anybody, especially cough a particular human being that stays with me. I will and shall continue to whine each time i have to hit the gym) Also, for this week cardio is added! I'm actually quite surprised to see my body more toned (which shouldn't be possible since it's only been like a few sessions but hey, i'm not complaining) and I feel like I'm such a healthy human being. HAHAHA cross my fingers to me surviving this.

well one part of me dreaded seeing you since you will be around school, I feel like I'm always spending my school semester beside the first year avoiding people but I don't know how to explain to anyone how I feel when I saw you. There was many foreign feelings, apprehensive? hurt? awkward? sadness? There was a part of me that is definitely angry, I have my own principles and this make it harder for me to let go of all these feelings. I mean others around me just feel that I might be making a big deal out of it, or like that we will somehow work things out. But I really can't bring myself to do it. You hurt more than just me and that is something i will never be able to stand. Even talking about you just brings back all those sourness. I took such a fucking long time to walk out of that shadow, the overwhelming emptiness that oppresses me. The belief that I could be better, that someone could have done this better keeps haunting me each day and night. I couldn't say I regret it, I couldn't tell you that if thrown back to the past, I would not make the same choice and make you do the same as well. But I can't tell you how much there was so many conflicts in me that I spent each night resolving, how sometimes I lose. I lose when I started shutting myself out, I lose when I refuse to talk to anyone beside a trusted few because I was so damn scared to lose anybody again, to be betrayed again. I don't know how to tell you how I feel when someone recognize me as the camp director or when someone tell me that people enjoyed the camp. I don't feel a sense of pride, i don't think the price I paid, the efforts that was put in, would ever feel justified. But I have learnt to slowly be at peace with myself and try to accept a few things at a time. There was no major injuries, and that was something I could breathe easy about. There was no complaints so there was no questioning thrusted to the committee or the seniors and for that I could not be more grateful considering the saga that was looming on our heads. As I scroll through social media and see the groups of seniors or freshmen or orientation groups that are still staying strong, I learn to be less harsh on myself about the camp and how much I felt like I failed it. Nevertheless there will always be things that still resurface but I am stronger now and I will never forget this journey.

phew. that was so hard for me to write. I never thought I would be able to open up about it, but you will be surprised by how much time and support can do.