it's as if i cease to exist.

cookie

there is a part of me that feels like the tiny little cookie in black mirror. 

haha not the physical kind of cookie but the data kind, and I just simply can't stand and imagine what it would be like to do nothing, nothing at all. The cookie was trapped and broken for a few months of not doing anything. Barely two weeks into summer and i'm pretty much running myself dry, wondering whether im just left forsaken while everyone is working. Ack melodramatic, but yes it's been hell in that mind of mine. Would i fit into this cookie-cutter society? Do i want to fit in? would i broken and remold into one perfectly shaped cookie?

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An opportunity came but now i'm not sure whether it is right for me?

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It was strange talking to bella again, it felt like so much events and things have passed between us. I'm still sure we are there but it's iffy. All my feelings towards people feel iffy and i just feel a strange sense of depression hitting me every single time. 

Torn

I'm all out of faith

this is how i feel

im cold and i am shamed

lying naked on the floor

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I keep promising myself i will update this blog every once in awhile, but it is always so hard to find words to my thoughts or emotions. They always seem to be fleeting, once so prominently bright and a little later, hazy and out of reach. Well, I'm crossing fingers now awaiting for my results which even sent me to honours or to my graduation. I can't help but panic a lot but there is honestly nothing i can do about it hence I'm pretty much just pacing back and forth too. 

On to internship, well at first i was happy enough to be offered one interview and one semi-confirmed internship but after that, it all went into smithereens because the company decided to cancel my internship sigh without much explanation, so stuck in a limbo here now, desperately trying to find one while my friends are more or less working or doing internships. Kindda suck when you don't really wanna compare yourself to others but you just can't help yourself from doing so. I mean the whole talk about doing things at your own pace and all, but i can't help but wonder why I am lagging behind so much. Ugh. Not a good feeling to have, being moped up at home.

Each year I see more clearly who are the friends who stood by me and who are the friends that leave. Perhaps I am just a bleeding heart. I used to be so melodramatic from losing friends or people close to me but nowadays i just feel really accepting of my solitude. And that kindda scare me because I have changed, and i'm not so sure i like that change.