slow down

i do not know where this welling feeling come from
nor could i quite put a finger as to what this feeling is

is it a sad musing
is it a loneliness
a desperation to find a connection
a cry to find a relief
a distraction from this feeling

I find myself circling back
circling back to this pain
circling back to this sadness
that i can't quite shake away

it does not eats me up inside
it's just there
like a stain that refuse to go away

i know im spiralling
trying to understand this
but it feels as if -

everything is moving way too fast
and i can't seem to catch my breath.

what you do when you get your butts off

it seems weird, but a part of me still grieves over you.
like an old wound that refuse to go away
a scab that I keep picking on.
I said I am moving on,
but it seems like a curse
where I keep being reminded of you
you and your chains.

---
on a brighter note,
finally got my ass off and started playing with watercolour!
was quite impressed with the results even though I kindda fucked up some parts.
Should probably invest in watercolouring papers and blending palette(?) soon.

Also started my determination to cut carbs and sugar off for this summer.
still aiming to be below 50kg. HAHAHA well let's see how my determination gets me.

Actually went for a massage and it was not bad if it wasnt that painful.
But at least my body is no longer that sore, for awhile at least.
Think it might actually be a good investment as compared to going for a facial.
Tried it, and did a nopedisshit on it. Though eyebrow embroidery was good too.
Ah the price of beauty.
Speaking of which, I am still jabbing my eyeball with the eyeliner. Sobs, why is it so hard to learn
how to draw a damn line on your eyes?!?!
but i started learning some other skills better, still nowhere perfect but getting better at taking care
of my face. Hey, better late than never right.

Thirteenth

somehow i feel like i got so caught up with myself, with my own life that I start to think as though life revolve around me..
sigh. been out of character these days.. ever since I started work, I feel like a part of me just feel as if I'm justified for things.
I'm justified to be mean cause life is tiring or about anything.
When I took a step to really look at myself, I kindda hated who I saw.
I became lazy.
Lazy with connecting with people.
Lazy with self maintenance.
Lazy with love.
Lazy with job hunt.
Lazy in everything.

and. gah. no more.
I need to continue striving to be better. To be more.