saw this line:
"You used to say: I love you as much as you love me. Now tell me,
why aren't you hurting the same as me"
--
and it hits so deeply and the past few days,
of seeing cheer, seeing you, seeing you getting your license.
Seeing you moving on without me.
Seeing you losing weight and seeing that smile in you died a little.
My heart aches grew.
Seeing uni, seeing hall. Seeing the places we used to hang during supper.
Fuck.
tell me why am I still not over you.
Tuesday, January 22, 2019
Wednesday, January 9, 2019
no more ifs.
It's been four months and being reclusive has been good to a certain extent.
as I open up to the world, I find myself lashing out at people whenever you are mentioned, like venom to my tongue.
It's not worth it, I tell myself, it's not worth your anger, your reasoning. They believe the worst version of you
that was spun out of misunderstandings and lies.
But what I couldn't fathom was how you seek to actively remove me out of your life
like a pest. a stain on your clean records. To erase away, to reformat.
perhaps I could understand that you did it to ease your hurt
maybe you did it to move on
and holding on to someone who left has never been my strongest suit
---
it struck me then.
I said to myself once
right before things went terribly wrong.
if you had just ask me how was I
how was I doing without you
was I eating well
was I cutting
I told myself if amidst all that pain
you found yourself still willing to care for me
i told myself i wont turn back
i told myself i would just give in
but you never once said it
not till the end
right before you say goodbye
right before you left
and all that ifs
but you never once look my way.
as I open up to the world, I find myself lashing out at people whenever you are mentioned, like venom to my tongue.
It's not worth it, I tell myself, it's not worth your anger, your reasoning. They believe the worst version of you
that was spun out of misunderstandings and lies.
But what I couldn't fathom was how you seek to actively remove me out of your life
like a pest. a stain on your clean records. To erase away, to reformat.
perhaps I could understand that you did it to ease your hurt
maybe you did it to move on
and holding on to someone who left has never been my strongest suit
---
it struck me then.
I said to myself once
right before things went terribly wrong.
if you had just ask me how was I
how was I doing without you
was I eating well
was I cutting
I told myself if amidst all that pain
you found yourself still willing to care for me
i told myself i wont turn back
i told myself i would just give in
but you never once said it
not till the end
right before you say goodbye
right before you left
and all that ifs
but you never once look my way.
Saturday, January 5, 2019
started my first martial arts class, feeling the ache in my bones.
But it felt good to finally get out of my comfort zone, and try something out.
But it felt good to finally get out of my comfort zone, and try something out.
that sense where i did it, without any one pushing me forth but solely out of my own will
was something i thought had died.
and it felt so good to feel that spark again.
-
I still miss you. And it takes me such a long time to admit to myself this. That I couldn't even bear to cry over you or to feel hurt because it is like a gaping hole that you are no longer there anymore. I miss you. Sometimes I still catch myself scrolling through our past conversations or just looking at the cheer messages, seeing you, seeing you doing well and there is always that pang, knowing I am no longer there by your side anymore.
But I don't exactly want to go back there anymore. I miss us. the old us. but I don't miss the me when I'm with you.
I lost you
but in losing you
I found myself again.
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
2019;
It's so weird to start a year without you, to tell people we have broken up, if anything definitive about 2018, it would been this.
2018;
started with finally taking the courage to wish upon us, to think that it would be the thing that would be stable and strong no matter what. But sometimes I guess life makes a fool out of my wishes. But I don't regret it, I don't regret wishing upon 2018 on us.
I was looking through facebook the other day, wondering what word would I use to describe 2018.
change
I would call it change. It's weird to say that even since life is always bound to be changes. First few changes of course would be the first step into the workforce, oh man, how I hated the new added responsibilities, it was difficult to drag myself out of bed some days, to always remind myself I'm no longer in school anymore, I don't have the luxury of skipping work wilfully. I mean I could, and get fired along with my wilfulness. I switched from a toxic job to a job that I clearly wasn't fitted for, but somehow things are still going along, I am still trying my best to figure out how to go about with my ambition/career still.
Of course, changes also started with moving back home. School has been my refuge and my shelter that perhaps a part of me had forgotten how tough it was being at home, trapped with people that do not understand me and do their best to mould me to the image, to a certain extent i think they succeeded, but I don't think it is a bad thing, since I think it's also time to step up and learn a little chores like a normal human being ahahah.
Third change would of course be you. I hesitate to write about you because I don't know where to begin or even talk about. There were always moments in my gut that tell me you were not the one, but I desperately wished you were so. No matter how much I always tried to run away, I always find myself back in your arms again. You were safe and stable, and that feeling of warmth was not something that was fake. I love you then, I love you now. Our differences drew my insecurities bigger, and instead of easing them with me, it felt like this year made it worse. Was it because we wanted to settle down? What an irony it is, that as people run towards stability and settling down, we went the opposite direction. I couldn't lie to you and tell you I am going to be the person for you, to get married and have children. And it always hurt to know that, that is the side of me that I always tried to push away just so we could work.
It could also be because of the incident on your birthday. I tried to forgive you for it. I tried, I really did. But in the end, it will always be something that sting, like a thorn in my chest. I couldn't see past it, neither could talking to people about it helped. I blamed myself for it, I blamed the alcohol, but ultimately I couldn't bear to blame you even when I couldn't forgive you. When I talk to people about it, it felt like I always drifted back to saying we broke up cause I didn't want to settle, but truth be told, I just couldn't bear to say it sometimes that this was one of it as well.
You couldn't forgive me as well. And I blamed myself endlessly, endlessly for it.
-
I will always be grateful you came to my life but you were never meant to stay. And I am sorry it took me so long to realise this. So comes 2019, I will learn to love myself more, no new year new me. Just embracing myself and all that encompasses, being comfortable in my skin.
also, last but not least, to the person walking in and out of my life, thank you for listening to me and being there for me the past few dreadful months.
2018;
started with finally taking the courage to wish upon us, to think that it would be the thing that would be stable and strong no matter what. But sometimes I guess life makes a fool out of my wishes. But I don't regret it, I don't regret wishing upon 2018 on us.
I was looking through facebook the other day, wondering what word would I use to describe 2018.
change
I would call it change. It's weird to say that even since life is always bound to be changes. First few changes of course would be the first step into the workforce, oh man, how I hated the new added responsibilities, it was difficult to drag myself out of bed some days, to always remind myself I'm no longer in school anymore, I don't have the luxury of skipping work wilfully. I mean I could, and get fired along with my wilfulness. I switched from a toxic job to a job that I clearly wasn't fitted for, but somehow things are still going along, I am still trying my best to figure out how to go about with my ambition/career still.
Of course, changes also started with moving back home. School has been my refuge and my shelter that perhaps a part of me had forgotten how tough it was being at home, trapped with people that do not understand me and do their best to mould me to the image, to a certain extent i think they succeeded, but I don't think it is a bad thing, since I think it's also time to step up and learn a little chores like a normal human being ahahah.
Third change would of course be you. I hesitate to write about you because I don't know where to begin or even talk about. There were always moments in my gut that tell me you were not the one, but I desperately wished you were so. No matter how much I always tried to run away, I always find myself back in your arms again. You were safe and stable, and that feeling of warmth was not something that was fake. I love you then, I love you now. Our differences drew my insecurities bigger, and instead of easing them with me, it felt like this year made it worse. Was it because we wanted to settle down? What an irony it is, that as people run towards stability and settling down, we went the opposite direction. I couldn't lie to you and tell you I am going to be the person for you, to get married and have children. And it always hurt to know that, that is the side of me that I always tried to push away just so we could work.
It could also be because of the incident on your birthday. I tried to forgive you for it. I tried, I really did. But in the end, it will always be something that sting, like a thorn in my chest. I couldn't see past it, neither could talking to people about it helped. I blamed myself for it, I blamed the alcohol, but ultimately I couldn't bear to blame you even when I couldn't forgive you. When I talk to people about it, it felt like I always drifted back to saying we broke up cause I didn't want to settle, but truth be told, I just couldn't bear to say it sometimes that this was one of it as well.
You couldn't forgive me as well. And I blamed myself endlessly, endlessly for it.
-
I will always be grateful you came to my life but you were never meant to stay. And I am sorry it took me so long to realise this. So comes 2019, I will learn to love myself more, no new year new me. Just embracing myself and all that encompasses, being comfortable in my skin.
also, last but not least, to the person walking in and out of my life, thank you for listening to me and being there for me the past few dreadful months.
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