no more ifs.

It's been four months and being reclusive has been good to a certain extent.
as I open up to the world, I find myself lashing out at people whenever you are mentioned, like venom to my tongue.
It's not worth it, I tell myself, it's not worth your anger, your reasoning. They believe the worst version of you
that was spun out of misunderstandings and lies.

But what I couldn't fathom was how you seek to actively remove me out of your life
like a pest. a stain on your clean records. To erase away, to reformat.
perhaps I could understand that you did it to ease your hurt
maybe you did it to move on
and holding on to someone who left has never been my strongest suit
---
it struck me then.
I said to myself once
right before things went terribly wrong.

if you had just ask me how was I
how was I doing without you
was I eating well
was I cutting
I told myself if amidst all that pain
you found yourself still willing to care for me

i told myself i wont turn back
i told myself i would just give in

but you never once said it
not till the end
right before you say goodbye
right before you left

and all that ifs
but you never once look my way.