2017;
gee I don't even know where to start.
2017, you have been a whirlwind. You see me struggle through my academics, as I keep trying and trying to do better than myself, keep beating myself up, stressing myself out when group mates are not on par with expectations. You see me giving my all, and that sometimes even if you give your all, you may still fall shy of where you want to be. And somehow I keep waiting for the brick of disappointment to hit me over and over again, but somehow I am still relatively okay, maybe it's because there has just been so much other emotions trailing through me.
This year, I have lost my family. When your family only consist of one person, it makes it especially hard to swallow when you realize how much you miss the days when you were younger. I remember the first few moments when she came over and how much I was trying to assert my independence. Haha what was an 8 year old thinking back then? Man, 14 years just pass like this, it feels surreal to have went through one of my most painful years, thinking I won't be able to survive and to be here now, standing. I'm gonna miss the late night talks, the times we go to pasar malam, or when I was adventurous enough to learn a little of cooking. I remember those moments where you spend grocery shopping with me or just walking around anywhere in general. I miss the times when you gave in to my childish demands for any food or drinks I want simply because you know how stubborn or picky I can get with food. I am already missing you and knowing you will perhaps be in a better place, makes me feel a little better at least for you. Even when you could not understood my pain, you still were there for me, through it all. I love you and thank you.
on a less somber note, 2017 has seen me:
- pissed drunk
- with neon pink hair
- first oversea trip with friends
-volunteer at the reef ecology lab
-make new bunch of friends
-went back to crescent
-met boyfriend family
-moved to a new house
-been on crutches
-created a webpage
-wrote a paper which i think is going to be published heh
-did cosplay as arya!
-did a game of throne marathon
-met all of boyfriend fwen
-became close to mel's brother HAHA
-cycled around coney island even though i dont know how to cycle
-went for my friends' wedding
-chopped off my hair until damn fucking short, sobs i missed my long hair
HAHAHAHA okay my list is just nonsense, but thanks 2017, I grew even more, I learn a little more about myself and I'm still going down the rabbit hole, exploring this world.
Tuesday, December 26, 2017
Sunday, December 17, 2017
you know the feeling where you thought your heart is full and it has no more space for more people, more feeling or anything.
well, it feels weird when it turns out wrong. I was still finding myself making space/room for more people, and that just feels weird.
Maybe it's the idea that I have been losing more people than gaining any that I just find myself resigning to a few handful of humans I could tolerate. But hey, surprises may not be a bad thing.
-
So the thing is that day was fucking cray. I was meeting my secondary school friends and though not all could make it, it felt great. Nostalgic even to be laughing, you know those kind of laughters that you just start tearing up but you just don't understand how it is possible that words out of a certain group of people, with the right words, right annunciation could make you just double up with laughter. You just wonder why them of all people, could make you have that kind of response. Anyway, beside catching up to each other, we actually were so bored, we started to walked around orchard and along the way, I actually managed to share a little, about my fears, my doubts, and perhaps my worries of the future.
-
Next came concert. Okay to be fair, I knew that I was bringing myself into trouble, like lots of trouble. I had actually left that group of friends, because well. a part of me felt inferior beside singing, beside playing the guitar, I just feel like I was not myself. Like I was forcing myself to be able to fit in, and I guess a part of me was still soft, and when one of them reach out and ask me if I could support his concert, I just did a hey man. I would. Because maybe I knew that if it was mine, he would have came. And that was all I cared about. But it doesn't mean that it didn't hurt when I was left out again, even after all these years. Watching from the sidelines, watching painfully, because I knew that one person, one person I fucking trusted did not trust in me, my truth and my life.
-
So when russ suggested a party and free booze, i was totally done and fuck, the day had been one hell of an emotional ride on my part. So when we got there, russ got pissed ass drunk (as per normal) while I was just trying my best to take care of russ. And i think a part of me got really tired. Tired of having this tight rein on my emotions, on my life. That for once, maybe once, I could be less restrained. The next few moments just took me down to my bottom, to my most basal self (HAHAHA life sciecne, you corrupted me) to my most vulnerable being. Also left me literally freezing my ass off, im pretty sure i was almost gonna die of hypothermia.
-
I would write about the feelings probably in poem, because i just dont feel like talking about it do it justice so.. im gonna leave it in an anti-climatic note
well, it feels weird when it turns out wrong. I was still finding myself making space/room for more people, and that just feels weird.
Maybe it's the idea that I have been losing more people than gaining any that I just find myself resigning to a few handful of humans I could tolerate. But hey, surprises may not be a bad thing.
-
So the thing is that day was fucking cray. I was meeting my secondary school friends and though not all could make it, it felt great. Nostalgic even to be laughing, you know those kind of laughters that you just start tearing up but you just don't understand how it is possible that words out of a certain group of people, with the right words, right annunciation could make you just double up with laughter. You just wonder why them of all people, could make you have that kind of response. Anyway, beside catching up to each other, we actually were so bored, we started to walked around orchard and along the way, I actually managed to share a little, about my fears, my doubts, and perhaps my worries of the future.
-
Next came concert. Okay to be fair, I knew that I was bringing myself into trouble, like lots of trouble. I had actually left that group of friends, because well. a part of me felt inferior beside singing, beside playing the guitar, I just feel like I was not myself. Like I was forcing myself to be able to fit in, and I guess a part of me was still soft, and when one of them reach out and ask me if I could support his concert, I just did a hey man. I would. Because maybe I knew that if it was mine, he would have came. And that was all I cared about. But it doesn't mean that it didn't hurt when I was left out again, even after all these years. Watching from the sidelines, watching painfully, because I knew that one person, one person I fucking trusted did not trust in me, my truth and my life.
-
So when russ suggested a party and free booze, i was totally done and fuck, the day had been one hell of an emotional ride on my part. So when we got there, russ got pissed ass drunk (as per normal) while I was just trying my best to take care of russ. And i think a part of me got really tired. Tired of having this tight rein on my emotions, on my life. That for once, maybe once, I could be less restrained. The next few moments just took me down to my bottom, to my most basal self (HAHAHA life sciecne, you corrupted me) to my most vulnerable being. Also left me literally freezing my ass off, im pretty sure i was almost gonna die of hypothermia.
-
I would write about the feelings probably in poem, because i just dont feel like talking about it do it justice so.. im gonna leave it in an anti-climatic note
Thursday, November 9, 2017
Saturday, July 22, 2017
potato feelings
potato!
It's been awhile since i typed - maybe it has been because it has been busy. I managed to get myself in the reef ecology lab. It is damn awesome, there are so many interesting things to play with and I managed to land myself on lotsa field trip. So here comes waking up at ungodly hours at 5am but it's pretty chill at time, so sometimes i dont have to report to work at all or i can come breezing in the afternoon and be done in an hour or so. HAHA basically i'm just a slave and typing away at my own free time, but somehow it doesnt feel so bad. Also, i'm back to doing transcribing work. I mean it's hard money gah, but it's still an income earned :)
another note, camp 2017 has ended. Even though I wasnt a part of it, I felt strangely weird, that somehow this year camp was good which mean we did leave a successor which didn't screw up and all. But i feel sad at the people I have lost in the progress and I wonder whether if I could have somehow done better. But musings are just musings, all in all, still glad that the freshmen and seniors last year went back to join this year as seniors and committee which makes me really heartened to know they're still trying to live something behind for their freshmen despite all the red tapes and monitoring.
It's been awhile since i typed - maybe it has been because it has been busy. I managed to get myself in the reef ecology lab. It is damn awesome, there are so many interesting things to play with and I managed to land myself on lotsa field trip. So here comes waking up at ungodly hours at 5am but it's pretty chill at time, so sometimes i dont have to report to work at all or i can come breezing in the afternoon and be done in an hour or so. HAHA basically i'm just a slave and typing away at my own free time, but somehow it doesnt feel so bad. Also, i'm back to doing transcribing work. I mean it's hard money gah, but it's still an income earned :)
another note, camp 2017 has ended. Even though I wasnt a part of it, I felt strangely weird, that somehow this year camp was good which mean we did leave a successor which didn't screw up and all. But i feel sad at the people I have lost in the progress and I wonder whether if I could have somehow done better. But musings are just musings, all in all, still glad that the freshmen and seniors last year went back to join this year as seniors and committee which makes me really heartened to know they're still trying to live something behind for their freshmen despite all the red tapes and monitoring.
Friday, June 23, 2017
there's a part of me that I think got very disheartened as I keep trying to do things and keep getting rejected. I mean it's all a part and parcel of life and maybe im just choosy cause I have gotten so far and i just felt like there should be some kind of rewards?? I don't know. Probably some self entitled pride that I should get over.
on the other hand, health has been utter bullshit. I mean i may not say it but sometimes i get really scared to even try exercising much anymore because it felt like my heart may fail on me?? which is ridiculous because all the tests have been coming back normal. But heh, i'm still paranoid as always. Probably just start doing some small static and maybe I will feel better. Im getting fat :(
another reason could possibly be the feeling of loneliness. gah, that prick feeling. I mean i still hang out with my boyfriend and all. But the friends that come and go, slowly I see my phone buzz lesser and the people that I wanna meet or that are free to meet are also lesser. And I just feel that pang where I start missing things. Missing people, missing life, somehow feeling like there's a part of me that missed out on stuff. Miss out on camps, miss out on internship. And it just irritates me because I feel like if my life is not going the way I want it to be, then i get very affected and depressed. Gah.
im just afraid. Im afraid that my life would not amount to much and would burden the people around me. but another part of me felt like im always not trying hard enough and sometimes i'm just tired of trying so hard.
on the other hand, health has been utter bullshit. I mean i may not say it but sometimes i get really scared to even try exercising much anymore because it felt like my heart may fail on me?? which is ridiculous because all the tests have been coming back normal. But heh, i'm still paranoid as always. Probably just start doing some small static and maybe I will feel better. Im getting fat :(
another reason could possibly be the feeling of loneliness. gah, that prick feeling. I mean i still hang out with my boyfriend and all. But the friends that come and go, slowly I see my phone buzz lesser and the people that I wanna meet or that are free to meet are also lesser. And I just feel that pang where I start missing things. Missing people, missing life, somehow feeling like there's a part of me that missed out on stuff. Miss out on camps, miss out on internship. And it just irritates me because I feel like if my life is not going the way I want it to be, then i get very affected and depressed. Gah.
im just afraid. Im afraid that my life would not amount to much and would burden the people around me. but another part of me felt like im always not trying hard enough and sometimes i'm just tired of trying so hard.
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