Thirteenth

somehow i feel like i got so caught up with myself, with my own life that I start to think as though life revolve around me..
sigh. been out of character these days.. ever since I started work, I feel like a part of me just feel as if I'm justified for things.
I'm justified to be mean cause life is tiring or about anything.
When I took a step to really look at myself, I kindda hated who I saw.
I became lazy.
Lazy with connecting with people.
Lazy with self maintenance.
Lazy with love.
Lazy with job hunt.
Lazy in everything.

and. gah. no more.
I need to continue striving to be better. To be more.

I always wonder whether my past self would be okay with
where I am today. Would she be happy with the choices I make,
the things I gave up?

But hey past daphne,
thank you.
Thank you for not giving up on life
Thank you for giving me the chance
to experience so much.

"If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: We all want everything to be okay. We don’t even wish so much for fantastic or marvelous or outstanding. We will happily settle for okay, because most of the time, okay is enough."

not sure whether i ever write this before or whether somehow wrote about this:

somewhere between here and now,

i think this sadness can swallow me whole

2017;
gee I don't even know where to start.
2017, you have been a whirlwind. You see me struggle through my academics, as I keep trying and trying to do better than myself, keep beating myself up, stressing myself out when group mates are not on par with expectations. You see me giving my all, and that sometimes even if you give your all, you may still fall shy of where you want to be. And somehow I keep waiting for the brick of disappointment to hit me over and over again, but somehow I am still relatively okay, maybe it's because there has just been so much other emotions trailing through me.

This year, I have lost my family. When your family only consist of one person, it makes it especially hard to swallow when you realize how much you miss the days when you were younger. I remember the first few moments when she came over and how much I was trying to assert my independence. Haha what was an 8 year old thinking back then? Man, 14 years just pass like this, it feels surreal to have went through one of my most painful years, thinking I won't be able to survive and to be here now, standing. I'm gonna miss the late night talks, the times we go to pasar malam, or when I was adventurous enough to learn a little of cooking. I remember those moments where you spend grocery shopping with me or just walking around anywhere in general.  I miss the times when you gave in to my childish demands for any food or drinks I want simply because you know how stubborn or picky I can get with food. I am already missing you and knowing you will perhaps be in a better place, makes me feel a little better at least for you. Even when you could not understood my pain, you still were there for me, through it all. I love you and thank you.

on a less somber note, 2017 has seen me:
- pissed drunk
- with neon pink hair
- first oversea trip with friends
-volunteer at the reef ecology lab
-make new bunch of friends
-went back to crescent
-met boyfriend family
-moved to a new house
-been on crutches
-created a webpage
-wrote a paper which i think is going to be published heh
-did cosplay as arya!
-did a game of throne marathon
-met all of boyfriend fwen
-became close to mel's brother HAHA
-cycled around coney island even though i dont know how to cycle
-went for my friends' wedding
-chopped off my hair until damn fucking short, sobs i missed my long hair

HAHAHAHA okay my list is just nonsense, but thanks 2017, I grew even more, I learn a little more about myself and I'm still going down the rabbit hole, exploring this world.

"I've looked for love in every stranger
Took too much to ease the anger
 All for you, yeah, all for you
 I've been running through the jungle
I've been crying with the wolves
To get to you, to get to you, to get to you "

you know the feeling where you thought your heart is full and it has no more space for more people, more feeling or anything.
well, it feels weird when it turns out wrong. I was still finding myself making space/room for more people, and that just feels weird.
Maybe it's the idea that I have been losing more people than gaining any that I just find myself resigning to a few handful of humans I could tolerate. But hey, surprises may not be a bad thing.
-
So the thing is that day was fucking cray. I was meeting my secondary school friends and though not all could make it, it felt great. Nostalgic even to be laughing, you know those kind of laughters that you just start tearing up but you just don't understand how it is possible that words out of a certain group of people, with the right words, right annunciation could make you just double up with laughter. You just wonder why them of all people, could make you have that kind of response. Anyway, beside catching up to each other, we actually were so bored, we started to walked around orchard  and along the way, I actually managed to share a little, about my fears, my doubts, and perhaps my worries of the future.
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Next came concert. Okay to be fair, I knew that I was bringing myself into trouble, like lots of trouble. I had actually left that group of friends, because well. a part of me felt inferior beside singing, beside playing the guitar, I just feel like I was not myself. Like I was forcing myself to be able to fit in, and I guess a part of me was still soft, and when one of them reach out and ask me if I could support his concert, I just did a hey man. I would. Because maybe I knew that if it was mine, he would have came. And that was all I cared about. But it doesn't mean that it didn't hurt when I was left out again, even after all these years. Watching from the sidelines, watching painfully, because I knew that one person, one person I fucking trusted did not trust in me, my truth and my life.
-
So when russ suggested a party and free booze, i was totally done and fuck, the day had been one hell of an emotional ride on my part. So when we got there, russ got pissed ass drunk (as per normal) while I was just trying my best to take care of russ. And i think a part of me got really tired. Tired of having this tight rein on my emotions, on my life. That for once, maybe once, I could be less restrained. The next few moments just took me down to my bottom,  to my most basal self (HAHAHA life sciecne, you corrupted me) to my most vulnerable being. Also left me literally freezing my ass off, im pretty sure i was almost gonna die of hypothermia.
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I would write about the feelings probably in poem, because i just dont feel like talking about it do it justice so.. im gonna leave it in an anti-climatic note