2019;

It's so weird to start a year without you, to tell people we have broken up, if anything definitive about 2018, it would been this.

2018;
started with finally taking the courage to wish upon us, to think that it would be the thing that would be stable and strong no matter what. But sometimes I guess life makes a fool out of my wishes. But I don't regret it, I don't regret wishing upon 2018 on us.

I was looking through facebook the other day, wondering what word would I use to describe 2018.
change
I would call it change. It's weird to say that even since life is always bound to be changes. First few changes of course would be the first step into the workforce, oh man, how I hated the new added responsibilities, it was difficult to drag myself out of bed some days, to always remind myself I'm no longer in school anymore, I don't have the luxury of skipping work wilfully. I mean I could, and get fired along with my wilfulness. I switched from a toxic job to a job that I clearly wasn't fitted for, but somehow things are still going along, I am still trying my best to figure out how to go about with my ambition/career still.

Of course, changes also started with moving back home. School has been my refuge and my shelter that perhaps a part of me had forgotten how tough it was being at home, trapped with people that do not understand me and do their best to mould me to the image, to a certain extent i think they succeeded, but I don't think it is a bad thing, since I think it's also time to step up and learn a little chores like a normal human being ahahah.

Third change would of course be you. I hesitate to write about you because I don't know where to begin or even talk about. There were always moments in my gut that tell me you were not the one, but I desperately wished you were so. No matter how much I always tried to run away, I always find myself back in your arms again. You were safe and stable, and that feeling of warmth was not something that was fake. I love you then, I love you now. Our differences drew my insecurities bigger, and instead of easing them with me, it felt like this year made it worse. Was it because we wanted to settle down? What an irony it is, that as people run towards stability and settling down, we went the opposite direction. I couldn't lie to you and tell you I am going to be the person for you, to get married and have children. And it always hurt to know that, that is the side of me that I always tried to push away just so we could work.

It could also be because of the incident on your birthday. I tried to forgive you for it. I tried, I really did. But in the end, it will always be something that sting, like a thorn in my chest. I couldn't see past it, neither could talking to people about it helped. I blamed myself for it, I blamed the alcohol, but ultimately I couldn't bear to blame you even when I couldn't forgive you. When I talk to people about it, it felt like I always drifted back to saying we broke up cause I didn't want to settle, but truth be told, I just couldn't bear to say it sometimes that this was one of it as well.

You couldn't forgive me as well. And I blamed myself endlessly, endlessly for it.
-

I will always be grateful you came to my life but you were never meant to stay. And I am sorry it took me so long to realise this. So comes 2019, I will learn to love myself more, no new year new me. Just embracing myself and all that encompasses, being comfortable in my skin.

also, last but not least, to the person walking in and out of my life, thank you for listening to me and being there for me the past few dreadful months.

A death march

sometimes all that little bit
pile up into too much.

when everyone watch as I gave up
thank you for always being the one
that never give in to my despair.

when i see you
it's like my pain came back tenfold
once more.
fuck you for breaking my heart.

What if I loved all these what ifs away

What if I was made for you and you were made for me
What if this is it, what if it's meant to be
What if I ain't one of them fools just playin' some game
What if I just pulled you close, what if I leaned in
And the stars line up and it's our last first kiss
-

How did I not hear this song.
sigh fighting between an existential fomo and being a depressing slob.

reminiscence

I miss university. It didnt really hit me until I went back on tuesday.
I thought I would have gotten over it since I started work few months back but I guess it's always different when you no longer live in school.
So here goes the list of missing:

• I miss taking the bus and squeezing with the crowd all the way to the door
• I miss cursing at the bus uncle for his questionable driving skills
• I miss the wait at the bus stop where it will be jam packed full of strangers, people you wanna avoid and of course, friends.
• I miss the queues in canteen, the long dreadful queues and I miss the cheap prices
• I miss the fact that everything is always interconnected and it felt like you are going to some secret passageway that only a few people know about
• I miss the dreadful long lab sessions where it only seem like science students are the only ones that have dreadful timetable
• I miss field trips where we get to go anywhere and everywhere, and learn so damn much from the teaching assistants and professors
• I miss hall.
• I miss hall events, even though i'm not supposed to attend any but i still crash most of them
• I miss studying in study room, where everybody hogs their stuff everywhere and you are always semi-panicky whether your stuff will get thrown away
• I miss the late nights suppers jio. Like what is fats even
• I miss cheer, i miss just sitting there and being there with the team even though i'm not flying nor am I doing anything useful beside taking videos or playing music.
• I miss complaining about hall food, about the cmi food or the once in awhile, chicken chop that always runs out by 6pm.
• I miss doing laundry or yelling at russ for not doing laundry. 
• I miss the 20 cents scramble so I can dry my laundry
• I miss hall lounge, the late night studying there, the weird stench that rakes the room
• I miss hall lounge for the completely opposite reasons, for the drinking session there. For the so many laughters and the so many regrettable mornings after
• I miss skipping classes and the mad scramble to watch webcasts to make sure I'm still able to keep track with classes
• I miss free medical consultation whenever i just want to take mc.
• I miss arts laksa. Like best ytf ever. 
• I miss drinking in c111. HAHAHA questionable nights, and so much whiskeys and beers.
• I miss the sneaking around because I am not an official resident
• I miss dance. I miss dancing and complaining about the aches after
• I miss the bitching session, the horrible group mates and the support group that i have
• I miss falling asleep in classes and all the unglam photos that follow after
• I miss being close to people, when we can always just pop a few doors down to htht
• I miss netflix and chill, the feeling that someone will always be there to welcome me home
• I miss sleeping next to my favourite person or waking up to him
• I miss kicking him out of bed whenever his alarm rings because 8am classes what even. 
• I miss the times we locked each other out because there is only one damn key. 
• I miss the dreadful 88 steps after supper
• I miss waking up 30mins before class starts and rushing to get there on time
• I miss cooking in hall and having food poisoning after 
• I miss maggi party where we gouge on ice cream after
• I miss the 23:59 deadlines because procrastination always happen
• I miss the random ponning of class to go out and just have fun
• I miss camps, the cheers and the hthts moments
• I miss the random moments where my friend challenge me to pokemon battle
• I miss the days where pokemon go is crazy, where everyone is running around school just to catch that damn rare pokemon
• I miss sports complex because the only time i go there is take my exams and I always panic 
• I miss the indecisiveness on where and what to eat because even though there are so many canteens, but you pretty much empty out options pretty easily
• I miss the times where you can dye any colour and it will be perfectly acceptable because uni. 
• I miss my bright neon pink hair, where it is so easy for people to find me/recognize me
• I miss the days where I got injured and i still try to do stupid shit when I'm injured
• I miss of course the times where I grab to school just because. 
• I miss library and its intense atmosphere
• I miss schools event especially halloween because dress up sess. like what even. 
• I miss having subway so near and 1 or 2 cookies are never enough
• I miss the korean food near the mrt because it is so good
• I miss the times where you ever dress up is when you either have labs or presentation. 

I could probably go on forever. But it feels like the stuff people bitch about how dreadful school is, is probably what I end up missing the most. That and the people there. 

salt against the sky

my. I haven't wrote since the time when things were so bad emotionally.

It's Monday, I don't get the blues since I haven't found work. Well as far as blues go, i'm chilling in an empty house, with guitar music blaring and it's pouring outside. Somehow, this seems like the perfect weather for everything. I mean I love rain and all when i'm indoor all cosy up and i guess this also gave me my breathing space to do whatever I wanted.

where do I even begin. Things were bad emotionally and it took me forever to feel okay, and i think a part of me is still reeling in pain. While I do try my best to not let things bother me, but some days get the better of me and all i could do sometimes is to at least muster the courage and admit that there is something dreadfully wrong. Well at least under my breath and now, here. I did consider my options, to flee, to be counselled but instead, each day I stay, in my little cage, wondering when i would be okay.

Beside that, went for a short trip to perth and man. I am already hoping to be back as soon as possible. Though the living expenses are slightly painful, okay scratch that, really painful on the wallet but man, there was so much to see, so much to grasp, and of course, not to mention alcohol was cheap there. Highlight of the trip would most probably be whale watching, it reminded me of the time I saw dolphins for the first time, wild and free out in local water. I mean i just never thought i would ever see that and that took my breath away. Whales watching surprisingly came pretty close to that. Even though it was chattering cold, man i am glad that i bundled up like five layers just so I could watch these majestic creatures.

I am still not sure where I am going or where would i be. But for now, im grateful i am still okay despite everything that had happened.