Who or what are you really living for?

Been kind of caught up with anime.

Katekyo hitman reborn~!

random musing:
1) I think the anime tells a lot of life lessons. Which is probably why i always love those type of anime/manga. A dash of humor plus lots and lots of things you can learn in it. Like furuba and d.gray man.
2) EXAMS. are. over. (for now at least)
3) I miss lifegroup. A. LOT. I don't even spend much time as i want to now... it seems sad to be so caught up in my life that i don't really spend much of it with them at all.

4)Someone stole my money. So irritated. gah.

5) I want to learn japanese!! I realize i spoke jap in one of my dreams. Heee. It seems bad to watch anime late at nights now... i don't even understand what i was saying in my dreams!!

6) I dreamed of lao shi for a few nights now. It seems utterly traumatizing.

7) Tomorrow is the last day. (ever) for choir. Somehow i'm looking forward to it. Or not.

A theory that I think God spoke to me about. Or one of those lil chats i have with Him.

When we are young, we get upset over tiny little things no? Crying it out, making a huge fuss of it. Adults and the people around us probably won't understand any of the fuss we are kicking up. Then again, we probably didn't and tend to forget about them in a short while. It's not about not remembering it, but we tend to get over things much easier then.
As we grow up, sure the things have changed, the people around our life have too. And we probably get upset for lesser stuff. The most amusing part of it is that unlike our young self, we can't get over the hurt in our life, no longer do we get over it within minutes, some are lucky to even walk out of being upset or depressed.

And harsh as it gets, it will get tougher this road we are walking. There will be more situations to handle, more stuffs to be depressed over. And that's also another reason why people can't let go, they can't get over the past, of significance of their life. To them, the memories spent had been their support, something they could have a reason to wake up to everyday with a smile. Think about it. Isn't it kind of sad if we live our life as though it is in the past yet waste the present?

You are not living in your past. Your past only reflect to you, the things you have done, the things you should learn. They are a part of you but they are not something that should determine your future. Ironic how we can deal better with setbacks when we are young, yet fail or forgotten how to get over it when we get older. It's not about the degree of the problem, it's the mindset that comes to deal with it.

Another thing, i don't get why people say live your life as though it's the last day you could ever live. To me, it's rubbish. Seriously, if it was the last day of your life, i doubt anyone would go about life being cherry and try to accomplish whatever they could do with that last day, rather most would just spend it being depressed and upset. I rather live life as though it's the first day you were born. Born, in the sense where you accepted Christ. Your old self has died, and your new self rejoice over Him being in it. That's how we should have live each day.

Grateful. Happy. Hopeful. And utterly blessed. Who or what is your support of your life? Who or what are you really fighting for? What is the thing that keep you fighting, the thing that keep you moving forward? What then is the meaning to life? Life has no meaning unless we give it one. I chose to give mine to Him. What about you?

Sometimes i just genuinely want to shut myself up.

Not wallowing in self pity or negativity,

But just not feeling anything.

it seems strange.
up till now, i still feel left out.

But it's as though now,

i'm fighting a war.

Special

It seemed weird to post things now,
but today is a really special day.

And well ( cause my printer is still printing my amath papers
which i will be chionging no doubt till wee hours)

Well.. spare the cliche beginning
of how everyday seemed to be perfectly normal..

but it was actually... just minus
the getting up late and having to wreck the still sleeping

brain of what to change a boring title
to what may get us an A for essay.

It didn't help of course, that i had so nicely forgotten
to get something to eat and forgotten to bring my

water bottle. -cries-

lit was well, the same. except my alarm rang off
in the middle of the class... so yep..

that was kindda ohmygoodness.
Physics.. was bad... i ended up feeling like puking..

nausea at all. gosh
i feel like i'm describing myself being pregnant
(i'm not.)

i think i survived school today,
pretty much. I finally passed emath. HAH.

Okay... but i was irritated
that i could have gotten myself much higher, if it

wasn't for careless mistakes here and there,
and well, being thrown straight into

a timed trial right after i came back to school.

But i guess the most significant of today was

I actually opened up.

Which was something i had never expected myself to do.

It seemed almost well, not me.

a 2 hour and a half long talk..proved to be utterly draining on me.

then again, it was probably also caused i had an attack before that.

I was truly grateful for it, really.
it meant a ton to me, to finally be able to mouthed out those

thoughts and feelings into words.

Isn't it ironic?
You care so much about everyone around you,
but not yourself.

How do you expect others to love you
when you don't even love yourself?

Random muse

It's funny.

Where is the me in us? It's seem more like you all over.
Where is the you in we? Its seem a slight hint that it is just me.

So why do we make an ass out of you and me when we assume?
Is it possible that awesome will end with me

just like how ugly starts with you?

I'm making no sense.

That's when i realize i tend to analyse

way too much, which make life seem to predictable.

Or at least from what i see of the world.

but not myself.

Reminiscence

silver.

two years have passed so quickly.

through it all, i learned so much, to forgive and to let go.

Yet the disappointment sting linger deeper than before.

Was it perhaps cause it was our final year?

Or that i was finally fully aware of the consequences

and the impact of it all?

but i guess amidst all these,

i really wanna thank God, for well the award.

It make me realize that we were on the standard range

within the seniors, and had not dropped that much

compared to last time. When the seniors left, i really thought choir would fall

apart, especially in our hands.

I'm glad it didn't.

Also, if we were to get gold, it might just make the choir complacent over their results.

not that they didn't put in effort, but to be honest, i can say so myself,

i had not put in as much effort into it, we're hypocritical in that.

Always saying how others are lousy, before we stood back to reflect

that we are all just the same

But i wish you have not raised our expectations.

Even though the repeated times of saying we would get certificates,

i really had wished we would be able to prove ourselves

to attain a sense of fulfillment.

But what's done is done, i can't say more than this.

Choir will be something that leave behind a pile of memories.

i had many laughters with dear friends,

i make close ones,let go of some.

I have trusted, i have been hurt

i have cried, i had fun.

I lost my voice

i learned about the brutality of truth, and sometimes

misunderstandings can just not be cleared.

dramas do ensued, work tend to be pushed to others.

But nonetheless,

i gladly say i did not regretted being in choir

despite the numerous attempt to quit com or quit choir

or just being depressed about myself

the voice the spirit the soul.

Crez choir.

All for tomorrow

i wonder how it will turn out, tomorrow i mean.

It seems expectations are rather little,

which is a good thing or bad i guess.

I really don't want to see us fail.. at all.

I would be lying if i were to say i'm still expecting us to clinch a silver.

It's just perhaps something we all wish to have, to maintain or at least move up.

~

the moment you did that, i realize right then,

feeble attempts to patch this crack,

would be impossible.

It's like a hole at the bottom,

leaking drastically.

Of no means to even cover up.

Just flowing before my very eyes.

~

Going to miss lifegroup so much.

Done caring

I will walk and never turn back

Done caring.