;2024 me

hey you.

I know we haven't met yet, but honestly? I'm kindda excited to see what this year has shaped you to be. So many big events, this year after all is a pretty busy year, the biggest of them being you getting married and you moving overseas.

I guess putting out here is also a declaration of sorts, of my resolve to you to accomplish everything we have spoke about ever since we were young. We had dreamt of so long to move away, to get out of this place where it just doesn't feel like we belong, that now with it being so near, all the confidence is kindda met with this bittersweet ache.

I mean you and I both know even after this year ends (probably when you will read back to this), that we still have a bit of time left before we had to bid goodbye and who knows, we may very well come back, but in the foreseeable future, this is it. This is us making our mark and going out there. God that makes me nervous, are you just as nervous 12 months down? I bet you will be a nervous wreck HAHA well I did what I could and have tried to plan as much as I can so that I hope you will at least not be moaning about how I should have planned harder.

and hey you, regardless of what happened, please take a breather. I know we are sucky at taking breaks and we simply keep ourselves busy, maybe it was a trauma response or how we cope previously, but we don't have to do this anymore. Says me as I have almost filled up every single week with pole, but it is true, take a break, play some games, do some art, make your heart full.

I sound like a smart ass there don't I? But man what a journey it has been, I wonder how marriage life will treat you. I never once thought I was capable of marriage, with my feet half the time ready to fly, afraid that if I settle, I will get resentful of my partner or my life. I think a part of me just believe that I was not suitable to be with someone, with all the insecurities and baggage that I carry, but someone once told me way back when I met him that I don't have to solve it right away, I can just carry it with me and move along, find peace with it. Somehow that stuck with me till now and I feel like we also tend to be way harder than ourselves just because it is easier. 

Working through all these really took a lot of crying, breaking down and analyzing on why was I uncomfortable, why was I upset, what was the rationale behind it. I love the  communication we have now where we will actively mention how sometimes we took things the wrong way based on what others have said. I know it took us a long time to heal from the previous relationship and sometimes it do still sting, but hey, either way I am proud of where we are now, and I hope you will be too. While I am still pondering and reflecting on my growth to get here, you have already gone through it. Guess it has not hit me yet since I am still in the midst of planning, also having to plan for your own wedding, arranging weekend trip back to thailand, going to a wedding overseas a month before your own and on top of that, take on new university course and pole term is not a fucking breeze. 

I guess a part of me writing here is also the nostalgia, I used to write here as a form of outlet, but as time grew and I got more busier, it just became harder to pen down what events has changed me or how different or strange it is to read my past entries and somehow not really connecting with the person I used to be. A part of it was just that heartbreaks are easier to write/channel, not that I stop having any low or bad periods, but as compared to the shitstorm or I like to call my black out period of 2018 - 2020, it has been just a pretty hectic few years afterwards.
--

x to my yesterday

 You know how some places have memories that just hold you in them

I was there, and it almost felt like yesterday

Yesterday where you took your flight back

where I was still in your life

a portion of it where I still was there to send you away

where we bid goodbye to our brief fleeting moments

it was one of the longest day I felt 

surrounded by everyone we knew yet no one was

aware of the agreement we had

the clock ticks, and even though it felt like

I could have left at any point

my feet just would not let me

maybe it was yesterday where at the moment

you were there, at the right time,

where I was breaking, and I just could not

do anything beside cry and blame myself

for everything. Where you understood,

you understood how it felt where no one 

was able to be, I was contented to

just be with someone that felt lonely and

as cast away as I

That the feeling was mutual, to the point I was consumed

with the belief that this is okay, that I could

be not okay, with you, just you. I was so relieved that I 

let everything slide, and the convincing afterwards

that you were not the person that I once knew

I wanted to be lost with you, to drown in it

but I was not at peace, your little remarks always

find their way to worm in, and my insecurities 

start to show

I was locked inside a dream where for a brief moment

the world did not had to matter, and the secret 

between us became my source that kept me there

it was the saddest yesterday where I admitted 

after you gave me one last hug

the things we do for love, I spoke aloud

that I realise I did love you in my own ways,

and you did not

you did not love me back

to the girl who has got her heart broken

 I just dont understand how he could just leave me, hanging there without turning back

I wish I could tell you that it gets easier with each day, that time heals all wounds

but sometimes it doesn't. 

It just doesn't get easier, it's funny how at that moment you remember. 

You remember how you guys met, how quickly chats turn into laughter, how his concerns just triumph over everyone's. His smile that turns you weak, you remember how you wanted to share all the little, the tiniest of things with him. You remember how your moods rises with each ping for messages from him and how they fall when the messages were from someone else.

How everything seem so special, so uniquely you and him. How your heart flutter with the things he done for you, when he fork out precious time of his busy schedule, or the mrt rides that make no sense. You remember how you love the nicknames he gave you, no matter how cheesy. 

He said I love you first and for that moment, you felt that moment you could almost believe him. Believe that he loves you no matter what, you sought out to be the very best of his friend, to know him so well, to be the pillar he could rely on. 

All the dashing in the rain, the food you made for him, the things he make for you. How he took care of you when you were sick, how he calm you down during those stressful days. You remember how much you adore each other in that love bubble of yours and how you wanted to believe he could be that person that you settle for.

And that was just it.

You broke each other hearts, one too many times. A mistake you two just suddenly could not forgive. 

He left that night, but he didnt leave with the memories didn't he?
That's what make goodbyes so hard. Someone just always held on longer, even though they knew the other person was never coming back. 

The more the memories stayed, the more hurt you got for not getting over him. You always thought, heck even everyone thought you would be able to move on first. 

But that's the tricky thing about love I guess, you just never do.

A part of you will always remember what it was like to love him, to love him for him, to love what you guys had. But it never has to be a bad thing, a bad aftertaste. You guys may never talk again, but you knew, you will always wish the best for him. 

You wish that he found the path he always wanted to be, to always have someone he love, to have people to come home to, to have friends to confide in, to always have that smile you fell for, to be happy, to be sad, to go out there and live a great life, and you know some may call you a fool, some may even think you're faking it, but you genuinely wish him well. Wish him the best even, because if you couldn't be the best for him, he still deserves it.

So go ahead, be not okay that he left. Be sad that you guys are no longer accomplice in crimes, be heartbroken, because it definitely hurts, to lose something you once called yours, and that's okay. That's more than okay. That's just what it was like to fall in love

Sifting through this pandemic

 It is weird that pandemic is still around and that we are all seemingly stuck in this loop of restrictions one after another, disruptions affecting services, businesses, relations. It definitely feels slightly easier to deal with as compared to 2020, everyone is more equipped to deal with the nuances, donning a mask has become a norm, scanning those QR codes before entering malls, supermarkets, gyms, attractions.. 

I wasn't sure what to write about or to talk to people about because my life been pretty much rinse repeat, being at home, going to work, coming back and heading out to work again the next day. I mean I definitely would say I have it easier than a lot of people, shifting jobs during this pandemic but I think mentally, the fatigue is definitely kicking in. I wonder how I managed to have so much energy last time, now even doing stretch classes are tiring. I don't think in terms of talking to people, I have been getting any better since I have never been really good at keeping in contact  with people, but I think with the numerous restrictions, it has became easier to excuse those behaviors. 

It definitely feels weird that I can't remember the last time I did things I like because I am always either sick or simply tired and that sucks terribly because I can't summon the energy these days to even do things I enjoy doing, be it trying out a new recipe, drawing, or just doing simple stretch exercises. Maybe I am just lamenting on how difficult independent life is especially during this whole entire period because everything just falls down on you to do things. Bills to pay, chores to do, half the time I don't think I am even capable of managing the two other kiddos I brought into my life. But they have been a great deal of joy and stress reliever. 

--

I been wanting to write about that moment but somehow words just doesn't seem to articulate well on that particular moment. It was possibly by far the most intimate moment I ever had with someone and that make me really protective of just how precious it was that I do not even know how to begin wording it. So instead I decided to write about one of the moment that brought about just as much

--

Tapping my fingers frustratingly, it is definitely past the meeting time. Who even thought any sane boss would ask for a meeting at such late hours. I need to make bookings soon as well, those damn classes always run out of slots within minutes. Not that I mind since they have been the only source of comfort amidst this hustle. Speaking of which, what ever make me decided that going to work from one end to another was such a brilliant idea. The amount of work I am doing no longer make sense to me and I begin to question exactly what was my role and purpose in this role I have signed up for. At this point it felt impulsive, but it was what I wanted, to go back to the field of passion.

Boss has entered the meeting room

"Sorry for this late meeting, but I actually have a few more calls to do, but I just wanted to check on you on how work has been and how it has been"

"it's been good really, I enjoyed the work and I am learning a lot but I felt like there is a bit of lack of direction in the work I am doing so I wanted to clarify on that as well.."

The words prattled on but by the time it ended, I barely made it in time to book my classes, but it just no longer mattered to me. I just stared, his words echoing, trying to make sense what just happened to me. His lamentations on the business. his apologies that do no make sense. All those worries I had before seemingly seem so insignificant, I trembled, unsure what to do, the path that seem right just disappeared and no longer make sense. 

I hesitatingly went next door where I found my partner snoring in the sofa, probably exhausted from the long day. I shake him gently, he was mumbling a little. I was tearful at this point and the only words I could muster.

I got fired

--

Seem a little melodramatic but this was probably how I felt at the point. I remember I felt so ashamed, like there is a stigma that I have always associated with that I never about, I was fearful that people would find out, that they would judge me for it. My pride then, was another part of me that I had to take time to slowly digest as well. I went confidently into this job and to have it all fall apart within months, felt like I did something wrong, that I had bit off more than I chew, but it was definitely a journey and looking back, it wasn't something I regret immensely going into, and seeing how it wasn't a good fit as well, I'm glad I have moved past that chapter and went on to another job now, so it all went well in the end. Also, a little recommendation Bo Burnham Inside is such a good film to watch during this pandemic because it probably feels a lot of us right now. 

the checklist that no one ask for

how I kick 2020's ass: 

• shave the side of my head
• move out
• had two cats 
• went counselling
• finally throw that resignation letter
• got a job that I really am interested in
• got a typewriter
• baked a darn ass cheesecake
• got into relationship
• hiked 21 km of singapore (first half of coast to coast)
• hiked with friends
• did a pretty successful company dinner and annual event
• shredded my abs/life with my friends to a chloe tng workout
• did some digital drawings
• picked up spanish
• reconnected with friends from jc, sec sch, university
• did a ted presentation of my year overview
• went contemporary dancing
• got a gaming laptop
• reconciled with a friend I never thought I would
• ate spicy food! 
• did streaming
• had an informal housewarming
• watched phantom of the opera (FINALLY)
• watched hamilton (ALSO ANOTHER)
• went clubbing finally with bianca
• got my 180 leg raise
• went jb with nations!
• had a back to back horror movie marathon
• remove my wisdom tooth!
• threw a new year eve party
• cooked for christmas

I cant recall offhand all the other nonsense I did but if yep basically a tbc checklist

;whiskers and cup of coffee

I like to think each year of my life has always been a lot of things that have taught me lessons that carry me through my life or just been a lot of memorable events but man, when I say I was going to kick 2020 in the ass, I would have never expected how many things would have happened in just a span of one year.

Obviously the biggest thing that was to hit was Covid. Covid brought about a halt to many of the goals I have set up and of course it has given me a lot of clarity as well towards so many things in my life. I can't begin to fathom how much lives it has took directly and indirectly and I see personally how many lives of my friends have been affected, be it a loss of job or even a loss of relationship. I recall mentioning to people about how it was really tough during the lockdown period and it just struck me on elderly folks who have nothing to do and I guess how much loneliness kill. I am thankful for the age of technology where I can still mimic some semblance of interactions with the outside world, somehow it helped me reconnect with few friends that I have lost touch with and definitely forge new friendships during that period. 

beyond just lockdown, it was also the year that I dared to take all that steps forward. 2019 I kept feeling like I pushed myself further and further, trying out different activities just so I can feel like justifying to myself on the loss of the relationship and how I have to prove that this is the reason why I should be living a certain life because of it. I guess because of that, I didn't allow myself to grieve for a very long time and hence the numerous breakdowns. Even till 2020, there were still moments where it haunts me, and I am glad that there are people along the way that got me through those rough spots.

I think for the longest time I kept persuading myself to stay in this toxic environment of mine, simply giving myself the excuse that it is what I have known and that I should be able to handle it by now. But I am glad that eventually I got out of it albeit not 100% ready. But to be out on my own, man it was definitely very different. It was finally a place I could call my own, that I have to pay bills for, that I am in charge of my life in every bit of the way. Did it scare me? Heck yes. It also made me confront many terrible habits of mine, there was many moments still I beat myself up for all the guilty pleasures I have for feeling safe and okay, but I have learn to slowly learn to be more at peace with myself and take more conscious effort to take care of myself now.

Mental health 101 also means that I also took the leap to see a counsellor this year. It was a really scary feeling for me cause I think for the longest time, people/partners have been asking me to see one because it felt like they reached a point where they could not help anymore and I always just get so afraid, because of the past scars I have. I think what really helped was knowing that counselling is 100% okay, doing the research on finding affordable ones and just knowing that there are friends who have been to counselling before and hearing their experiences. I think pole fam really helped me a lot in this because I think through my interactions with them, I feel like I was able to articulate my boundaries clearer and seeing them take steps towards being more conscious towards protecting their mental health, make me more clearer on the things I am feeding my mental self and it has not been pleasant. So tldr, was a nerve wreck seeing one, but when I finally did, thank goodness the counsellor was someone that click, so I found it easier to tackle some of the things I have trouble with as well as finally, opening up about my dad. I don't think I am ready to tackle that part of my life yet but I think the fact that I was able to finally do it on my own accord to share it with a professional (and that she did not think I was lying) make it a really big milestone in my life.

2020 had many huge ass milestones in my life, I used to think I will only be able to hit them one day kindda thing and to have so many of them all suddenly checked off my list, made me honestly a bit lost and I really am not sure where to go from there, but I got to keep reminding myself that I need to take the time to enjoy all these moments of mine. But yea so I decided to write down in the next post all the things in my life that have made up by 2020. 

 “We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything - what a waste!” - Call Me By Your Name