Breathe

HiHi.
Emo post, so yeah.
As days inch closer and closer, i can't help but fear. Have I made the wrong choice, would I be able to wake up from it all? I don't know, whether i would be happy giving up the ability to draw, write as freely as possible if I stuck with my choice. But the pain is almost unbearable and it caused me to wonder whether it would one day trigger attack.
I wish i could tell you I'm feeling fine, that i'm alright. But i'm not. Not with the fact that you used me, not with the fact i'm bearing all the blame for everything. I don't even know whether i count you as a friend or not, it hurts me so to even wonder otherwise. All the things i shared with you just seemed so one sided now, and all i'm feeling is just a feeling of being cheated. 
I have to buck up, i must. Because i know the imminent threat that if i don't, i don't have a roof under my head anymore. I know that I have a tough life, but the thing is I also knew that such times won't last forever.


Harsh words you spoke to me, the world give so little love, that's why i have to love myself even more.
And it's so bitter, and hard to swallow. 
Because i do want it, acceptance and love.
I do yearn for people to show concern,
I don't want to be having an attack,
and no one even hear my silence.


But i can't take it anymore, the tears i keep hiding.
The smiles i keep faking. the slash after slash
which bring no comfort nor help.


I know that i should probably talk to someone about it, but i can't. I seriously can't... 
Because i no longer believe anymore,
and i have just sunken deep into depression.


that's why when tears fall,
you see me smiling.
that's why when i'm not there,
or when i'm there,
i'm just air.


Cloud I am, easily forgotten.
Once i have done clearing up other's mess,
once the rain has fall, 
i move away,
nothing to call my home,
and no one to love. 


For cloud I am,
a false pretense of sunshine. 


daffy