Died Laughter

Buahhahahahaha! 

I am back! So i got back all my results today... AND I improved a lot!! HEEE. So proud of myself *pat pat* It makes me feel happy that i scored well, and that my efforts paid offf BUT i know i could have done better. Much much better. After all, i have high expectations for myself.

I PASS ALL SUBJECTS EXCEPT FOR ELECT HUMANS. 

Okay i know for other people in other classes, it seems rather a stupid deal to have since most people want to score A's. I do too, believe me. But there's always has to be like steps by steps kindda thing? And i jumped by 10-30 marks for some subjects so that's another thing to be joyful over!!! 

That. was before my mum told me she was the top student in her exams.( which totally ruin my mood but never mind!!!)

Apparently i looked scary/angry/upset/not okay when i expressed next to nothing or stone or give the sian face. It seems like i can radiate my emotions. HAHAHAHA. oh that reminded me I was so insane i started saying a flying squirrel is a square squirrel. that's what math do to you. I solemnly think so.

For today, 

Went out with Cat (which finally came to school) and Sapphire! Had like 5 meals in total today. Likka bloated only ): Probably like dumped junk inside my body. Also i got like 2 stilt duckies :D 

~

I couldn't tell you the truth. Afraid i would hurt you, or disappoint you or both. After all, i know my results did improve, but at the same time, you thought i was okay because my results were getting better and better. But i'm not, i'm faring worse. I'm slowly losing my sanity, all the laughter and smiles that I made, is nothing but a show. I'm nothing but just pretending that everything is alright. I want someone to find out something is wrong yet at the same time i know even if they do, i will push them away.

Like that day where i badly wanted to P to vent, to rant whatsoever, i could not. I couldn't bear to, while she was so happy in her world, oblivious to my pain. I admit i did the only thing I  could think of to stop thinking. I ran. Yes, i foolishly ran, someone called me at the slope, asking me about prelims. I knew by then tears were already flooding, and i couldn't give a straight face. No matter how hard Jie wanted me to talk to her, i could not. or rather I would not. It was after that i made a promise to myself that whatever happened, i would just not say anymore.

That was why on Tues, i knew after all the crappish stuff that happened, i couldn't handle school, i couldn't even handle myself. Cracking again, where i had begun the vicious cycle again. I could not tell you. I don't know what you would think, i wasn't suicidal. I was desperate, i wanted the pain to go away, I know such behavior would never be accepted in lg, even anywhere. Question marks are filling me, yes some may say i have lost my faith, but to me, it's just utter slip to the bottom. 

I know today, itself i was trying to very well kill myself. I know that i should not have to school as i was already pale and sick, showing signs of trigger, I know that it was milk in the milo, i know that it was cold drinks, i knew i was running, i knew if i was late, i would have to be in crowded areas, i know that i had already tire myself more than i can bear, i know that it was raining and that itself made it harder to protect my body warmth, i knew all that. But i also knew, i was playing with my life, trying to push myself to the very extent. 

Yes, my results have improved, but if it's only academic which you see, get a robot. It's 100% efficient and any compromise on its part, will be less fatal than human error.

Behind locked doors, do you see the girl that is crying. 

I can see her, clearly. 

Wanting to help her only to know she would reject

my very hand

She's afraid not of her loneliness

but of the immense pain that 

she herself could not take away.

Who's to shoulder her heaviness

Huddled in a corner,

she closed her eyes,

shutting away her demons 

and before long, morning breaks

and it was a cycle all over again.

I could give you the brightest of smile even when the skies are grey. 

For my heart seeks the warmth of the Light

yet it is always a downpour of emotions.

Drenching my very bones.

I will smile. I will.

But it doesn't mean I'll be okay today

~

daffy