Cheating

No, this aint personal encounter but it is one that struck me deeply during one of my conversation with my friend.
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I understand that we all sometimes made mistake in choosing the partners, and we end up switching, divorcing or separating and all. But like any actions, are we really ready for the consequences?

When we make a commitment to each other, it is and I hope that one that both truly felt the impact and believed that they would stay together with each other, for better or for worse, for sickness and in poverty. But when one no longer believe it, when arguments start happening, when we begin to lose sight of the possibility of being together.. does it make it any better to cheat?

Cheating.

It consumes and destroy in its path. Ravages through the skins and thoughts. With it, comes every creeping insecurities that could happen. Every single action that was before begin to be questioned and re-assessed. Did i do something wrong to cause you to stray? Did I perhaps not love you enough? What happened to forever. Now to give a disclaimer, yes there may not be simply a I love you forever and ever, but what happened to the other party when that forever is intruded upon by a third party?

Perhaps I will never truly understand the magnitude and consequences of what it feels like to be cheated upon. But for one that has been, how do you truly recover from that scar? The paranoia that will seize you, the doubts that anyone will stay beside you, what happens if you have a child bore from that marriage?

Will you be able to face that child of that marriage with bravery? To look at the child beyond just a  proof of a love that has once faded between two of you, the hurt that has been inflicted upon you. Can you see the child for him/her and love with that no reservations. What then happen if the other party start having children with another, would you truly be okay? Would it hurt lesser if you know you are but a passing phase of the past.

Cheating hurts more when the other party is of a decent character. Where the fatal flaw was not that there was no love or concern between the two of you but of the fact, that he/she loves someone more. And that comparison will eats away into the conscience and you cant possibly be able to forgive nor forget that hurt.

that is not to say no one truly recover from cheating, they do. but often with time, and often with an endless question and chasing of answers, the pointless pursuits of salvaging through for the pain inflicted is one so deeply embedded.

La la la

Hush, don't speak
When you spit your venom, keep it shut I hate it
When you hiss and preach
About your new messiah 'cause your theories catch fire

I can't find your silver lining
I don't mean to judge
But when you read your speech, it's tiring
Enough is enough

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Stay with me

So at such a tender night, I have to confess the vulnerability I'm feeling. Just a teensy bit fragile among the random musing I have in the day.

Here goes;

There will probably come a day and scoffed at the stuff I typed but for now, this becomes my outlet, my way of voicing out my thoughts if that makes sense. I think I have heard many people say that whenever they meet me or interacted me for awhile, I always give the impression that I'm very vulnerable, almost close to breaking or for some, a girl who has been through a lot. 

Well.

I wont deny I have been through some messed situations, but hey, i'm not alone in this. And it doesn't define me or what I am. I am not just the girl who cried her heart out because she broke up, i'm not the girl who should be pitied. I am not just the girl who is nonchalant/dont care, I am that and so much more. They said that sometimes, knowing someone is akin to peeling an onions, as more layers you get to discover, some of it may sting and make you cry, and to me, i  dont really know how many layers I have or whether I am the girl who is made from her circumstances. I can't promise to be the perfect one.

there may come a day i will forget, of the hopes i held and the dreams i dared to have. My life has seen me giving up on things i probably shouldnt have and beating myself up for it. We are all made of broken dreams, and if there is still one thing I crave, is freedom. 

And that seems weird coming from me I guess. A lot of people naturally assume that of an extrovert but no, quite the opposite. I prefer the solitude and the solace which lead to another misconception of me being too guy-ish for a girl. Perhaps I was brought up differently, or that i knew too much at too young an age, but I do believe the me now, is just about the same me as any point in term. 

Yet sometimes I think I let my fear gripped me to hiding, to not being vulnerable at all. Rather an empty shell than to show my soft side. Sometimes I forgot I'm only human and I still have the capacity to breathe and be hurt. 

slowly but surely, I am fading into the shadows. But till then, and if you do catch that glimpse of me, please tell me to stay. 

Suicide

This hits home to me.
I dont know how many times I have truly tell people of the past I had that I aint proud of. Being suicidal that is. Because a close friend of mine started showing signs of the past me, I started really feeling fear and being afraid of the thought that each day may be my last to ever say a word to her.
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I first had thoughts of dying ever since I was 12, so I have been fighting this for a very long time. I scared my best friend once when I just stood on the highest level of school and ask her, what would it be like to jump and just be free? I remember her face then, how afraid she was and the numerous calls she gave each day just to make sure I was joking.
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"Why would you want to die? There's so much to live for."

"Because it is at the point of death, i feel most alive."

People dont realize that once depression hits, it is with you for life. Every single day, you may wake up with the thought of dying, of the self doubts that started dripping down you like venom. When you look at people, you feel like screaming to them, peeling off your skin, left with just bones and all. And that thought would one day manifest into an action, i wonder whether did i say enough goodbyes to people, did i thank the people that i'm grateful for, did i tell the people i care for that i love them like mad. The thoughts start consuming you bit by bit, slowly and maybe.. one day i'll just disappear. Like without a word.

and that thought scares me. I'm afraid of myself.
suddenly when i stare in the mirror,
i dont see myself anymore.
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