Suicide

This hits home to me.
I dont know how many times I have truly tell people of the past I had that I aint proud of. Being suicidal that is. Because a close friend of mine started showing signs of the past me, I started really feeling fear and being afraid of the thought that each day may be my last to ever say a word to her.
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I first had thoughts of dying ever since I was 12, so I have been fighting this for a very long time. I scared my best friend once when I just stood on the highest level of school and ask her, what would it be like to jump and just be free? I remember her face then, how afraid she was and the numerous calls she gave each day just to make sure I was joking.
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"Why would you want to die? There's so much to live for."

"Because it is at the point of death, i feel most alive."

People dont realize that once depression hits, it is with you for life. Every single day, you may wake up with the thought of dying, of the self doubts that started dripping down you like venom. When you look at people, you feel like screaming to them, peeling off your skin, left with just bones and all. And that thought would one day manifest into an action, i wonder whether did i say enough goodbyes to people, did i thank the people that i'm grateful for, did i tell the people i care for that i love them like mad. The thoughts start consuming you bit by bit, slowly and maybe.. one day i'll just disappear. Like without a word.

and that thought scares me. I'm afraid of myself.
suddenly when i stare in the mirror,
i dont see myself anymore.
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