Lost

It's this piece of aching,

that wont go away.
it's the fact that i know you're gone

but i still look for you

Im sorry i took you for granted all this while...

and probably didnt do much to show you 

how much you mean to me...

and now you're just left.

I really cannot get over it

all the guilt and depression just sink

and eat me from inside out. 

disappear

melt and fade into the shadows.

Giving up

its not everyday you have people tell you they give up on you.
its not everyday you have people that tell you to get out of their life.

its not everyday you have the crushing blow to the gut
its not everyday you wish you did something more
its not everyday you really hated not being able to split yourself

choice to be made. sacrifices and circumstances.
but when it all boils down, would it have differ or
were we suppose to have went down this same path

you said you will never leave, that it's okay to open up
so was i right to have kept my barriers?

Somehow it doesnt mean the hurt get any lesser
not when you chose to bitch about me
for that one moment
i feel back in secondary school

but for another moment
it doesnt matter to me that you gave up
it has registered to me many times
and i dont think i will forget how many
i told you so
i have said.

Scars

So recently I met with a bunch of secondary school friends that I havent seen in a long long time.. probably after i left secondary school. Everyone seems so busehhh, whoops. So one of the topic said was that I changed a lot, became more mature and open about things and probably brought up some incidents here and there. Of which, didnt seem to settle down as easy as I wish it would... that and my family issues have left me quite moody these days.
~

Scars.
Probably one of the thing I fear that always get in my way is the amount of emotional baggages I have and the scars left behind which often left me reluctant to open up. Man, am i thankful for a patient boyfriend. But that's side tracking..
So I thought it would be better to write out the scars I have and hopefully will bring me a little closer to being okay i guess.

#1 Body image
I cannot stress this enough. Being called fat.. ugly.. slut.. bitch.. dog. I cant help but always question my choice in clothes.. and i kept feeling conscious to cover up... and then, i get judged by dressing so fugly, see my dilemma?  The urge to be thin.. to be "beautiful" and sometimes I wonder why my boyfriend could love someone like me. But that's just one of the many insecurities. Which is slowly going away, not that I'm not being called names.. Starting to eat regularly and exercise.. or well dragged to exercise. X)

#2 Self confidence
My self confidence took a gut wrenching blow to the gutters from young. It got worse in secondary school when I get bullied and being outcasted. Yep, I did. I mean a lot of people couldn't believe, since i know a lot of people, sometimes I find it hard to explain to people, you may know a lot of people, but that doesnt make them your friends, and even if they're your friends, doesnt mean you're close to them. My self confidence started rising and dropping a lot, which seems tough for a performer, I suffered from mockery from audience and do have stage fright now and then. But hey, Im still gonna perform my heart. And well.. having lots of my dreams being dashed by people, I tried working really hard. Of course, one more personal encounter comes from my past. My self confidence can be delusional only to those who dont know my past.

#3 Self harm, Sucidal thoughts
This probably may seem a surprise to some, or may seem natural to others. But depression hits me at a very young age, family was one of them. And because i heavily depended on friends, on people's opinion of me.. being a girls school, drama ensued. What drove me to cut, i dont remember but I remembered there was a point of aneroxia, there was a point of self mutilation and there were many moments of counselling. And after i started hiding more, waves of panic attacks followed me. Never an easy journey, being classified with mental disorder, stress of competition, concert, o level. relapse do happens, and of course with any case of slashing, it get worse, and i started overdosing on pills. --- Now before someone call me up for counselling, im fine now, with no more slashing, or skipping meals. Though thoughts do come, but it is still manageable.

I'll stop at 3 for now. Toodles~

Wavering

so recently has seen me making quite drastic changes in well.. mostly lots of things, that may or may not have went against what I used to be. But I guess, that's what life do to you, we changed. Change is perhaps constant, but what if you change, and no one is there to support you anymore?

Well, maybe I always have the ability to experience things earlier than people but here goes about changes, about commitment, about life. We make commitment to people, embracing them is perhaps only just the minimum requirement, but what comes after that, are we still going to be there for them even when they changed? To love and care for the changed person.

~

So facing perhaps one of the toughest decision I made, so I send my appeal letter to transfer. Yes, i know. Many would start killing me for it, what happened to your love for arts, what happened to you who love econs. Didn't you harp so much about going there, then why are you leaving it before it started. For all those who said that, and believed that it was purely an impulse or that I did it because of influence, and after my explanations, still believed, otherwise. I guess I could only say I tried my best to explain even when it wasn't necessary about me, and my path. Yes then again, maybe my best wasn't enough, but sometimes if you have to keep trying to be understood, there will come a time, where I rather shut off and not talk anymore. 

It is gonna be a uphill battle yes. And probably one where I doing it with the bare minimum support. I used to gain strength from my friends and their faith in me, but recently, maybe all I get are disapproval and im just sick of it.