Scars

So recently I met with a bunch of secondary school friends that I havent seen in a long long time.. probably after i left secondary school. Everyone seems so busehhh, whoops. So one of the topic said was that I changed a lot, became more mature and open about things and probably brought up some incidents here and there. Of which, didnt seem to settle down as easy as I wish it would... that and my family issues have left me quite moody these days.
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Scars.
Probably one of the thing I fear that always get in my way is the amount of emotional baggages I have and the scars left behind which often left me reluctant to open up. Man, am i thankful for a patient boyfriend. But that's side tracking..
So I thought it would be better to write out the scars I have and hopefully will bring me a little closer to being okay i guess.

#1 Body image
I cannot stress this enough. Being called fat.. ugly.. slut.. bitch.. dog. I cant help but always question my choice in clothes.. and i kept feeling conscious to cover up... and then, i get judged by dressing so fugly, see my dilemma?  The urge to be thin.. to be "beautiful" and sometimes I wonder why my boyfriend could love someone like me. But that's just one of the many insecurities. Which is slowly going away, not that I'm not being called names.. Starting to eat regularly and exercise.. or well dragged to exercise. X)

#2 Self confidence
My self confidence took a gut wrenching blow to the gutters from young. It got worse in secondary school when I get bullied and being outcasted. Yep, I did. I mean a lot of people couldn't believe, since i know a lot of people, sometimes I find it hard to explain to people, you may know a lot of people, but that doesnt make them your friends, and even if they're your friends, doesnt mean you're close to them. My self confidence started rising and dropping a lot, which seems tough for a performer, I suffered from mockery from audience and do have stage fright now and then. But hey, Im still gonna perform my heart. And well.. having lots of my dreams being dashed by people, I tried working really hard. Of course, one more personal encounter comes from my past. My self confidence can be delusional only to those who dont know my past.

#3 Self harm, Sucidal thoughts
This probably may seem a surprise to some, or may seem natural to others. But depression hits me at a very young age, family was one of them. And because i heavily depended on friends, on people's opinion of me.. being a girls school, drama ensued. What drove me to cut, i dont remember but I remembered there was a point of aneroxia, there was a point of self mutilation and there were many moments of counselling. And after i started hiding more, waves of panic attacks followed me. Never an easy journey, being classified with mental disorder, stress of competition, concert, o level. relapse do happens, and of course with any case of slashing, it get worse, and i started overdosing on pills. --- Now before someone call me up for counselling, im fine now, with no more slashing, or skipping meals. Though thoughts do come, but it is still manageable.

I'll stop at 3 for now. Toodles~