The thing about love

I once thought that I was immune to it
when the first guy I like, left
and that caused me to wonder why it ached

I thought I didnt like guys
when i went to a girls school
where all I had was drama after another

I once believe a guy likes you
when he cares for you and that
he must complement you, so an emotional me
must find a logical person

that turn out wrong, in so many levels.

I believe then a guy must be emotional too
so he could understand and care the same way
but it results in a series of heartbreak

then I ask myself, why not find a guy who
likes you more than you do to him
I couldn't face him after a few weeks.

So I told myself, find a guy
that understand your dreams and chase them
before the dreams came, I realize there isn't much
to chase if he couldn't be there.

I said to myself, enough is enough.
no more compromising, no more giving
and leaving your heart to break.

maybe being single ain't that bad after all.

the reason for strength

sometimes I forget what kept me going on or what exactly make me fight harder, work harder each time, much more than the people around me. Some scoff at me when I said I wanted a normal life, somehow I guess when we all look at it, we get a little obnoxious and start self pitying ourselves into thinking that our lives are not normal, when technically no one's life is, normal.

Quite a handful of mine walked into the depths of my heart and found out the reason why i was guarded. Some admire that I was still going on, some promised they will get me out of the situation, most just sympathize and believe in anger. But I guess perhaps that is also the reason for the hardening of my heart, too much hatred, too much scars, too much pain and too many unfulfilled promises. I never really hold it against people for not being there for me/ not being in my life, cause sometimes I really can't seem to blame them. I mean who can? We all have our lives to lead and to ask another what I most likely can't do myself if I was them, makes me pretty double standard. And somehow when I failed to open up or when I tried to reach out to people to meet, to talk, most would brush it off thinking there will be a next time but most if not always, there won't be. I rarely reach out to people and to do so, perhaps lower the pride, or perhaps make me feel kindda pathetic, begging for people to see something is wrong. And when they don't, i guess i effectively cross them out of my life, without meaning to, because I feel that they won't be able to handle me.

I'm quite a depender and sometimes it is that, that hurts me most. Because while I depend and rely, I tend not to show it. For a person so emotional to not bare my emotions, it makes me feel utterly small and lonely in this world. Yet perhaps it is also that, that caused the reasons for my strength to keep going on, to fight for a future. Because I refuse to cave in or accept fate that this is my defeat.

This is my battle cry. I may bleed but I will not break. I may bend but I will not beg. I may fall but i will learn to rise. I may get demoralized but I will not let it stop me. I will continue to breathe, with every breath I have.

self of sanity

I find it hard to fathom my thoughts, my emotions into words
it is not because I'm trying to be secretive
but I cannot seem to say a word to tell you
that I'm upset.

I'm not the one who will go up to the person and tell them
hey, I have a bad day today, would you please give me a hug
no, I'm most likely be the one who will be rushing my assignments
because I don't want a minute to pass where I can feel my sadness

So when you ask me am I okay or what happened
please don't take my silence as I'm alright,
don't take my smiles that everything is fine
because I'm tired, tired of trying.
tired of crying, tired of feeling.

When past collides with present
and I can't help but feel all the surge of emotions
that I have carefully hid
don't question why I'm bringing up things that are years ago

because scars don't disappear
and the more I try to be normal
the more I feel the cracks that I'm not
The more i crave for touch and concern
and the more I will deny myself for asking.

Dont mistake it for pride
It's just me.