the reason for strength

sometimes I forget what kept me going on or what exactly make me fight harder, work harder each time, much more than the people around me. Some scoff at me when I said I wanted a normal life, somehow I guess when we all look at it, we get a little obnoxious and start self pitying ourselves into thinking that our lives are not normal, when technically no one's life is, normal.

Quite a handful of mine walked into the depths of my heart and found out the reason why i was guarded. Some admire that I was still going on, some promised they will get me out of the situation, most just sympathize and believe in anger. But I guess perhaps that is also the reason for the hardening of my heart, too much hatred, too much scars, too much pain and too many unfulfilled promises. I never really hold it against people for not being there for me/ not being in my life, cause sometimes I really can't seem to blame them. I mean who can? We all have our lives to lead and to ask another what I most likely can't do myself if I was them, makes me pretty double standard. And somehow when I failed to open up or when I tried to reach out to people to meet, to talk, most would brush it off thinking there will be a next time but most if not always, there won't be. I rarely reach out to people and to do so, perhaps lower the pride, or perhaps make me feel kindda pathetic, begging for people to see something is wrong. And when they don't, i guess i effectively cross them out of my life, without meaning to, because I feel that they won't be able to handle me.

I'm quite a depender and sometimes it is that, that hurts me most. Because while I depend and rely, I tend not to show it. For a person so emotional to not bare my emotions, it makes me feel utterly small and lonely in this world. Yet perhaps it is also that, that caused the reasons for my strength to keep going on, to fight for a future. Because I refuse to cave in or accept fate that this is my defeat.

This is my battle cry. I may bleed but I will not break. I may bend but I will not beg. I may fall but i will learn to rise. I may get demoralized but I will not let it stop me. I will continue to breathe, with every breath I have.