the thing about happiness

Sometimes at the midst of the day, I would think about the times. I would think about the memories that threaten to engulf me into its sadness, that's the thing about remembering. I would remember the times I wake up feeling the pain, how it hurts to breathe, how much I just want to cut the pain away or be asleep, yet the state of sleeping or being awake seems to send me to this limbo state where the pain doesn't seem to stop.

How do you say goodbye, to a person you had hang on to since you were young. How do you give up the years of waiting, of searching, of the dreams that shared together.  10 fucking years. 10 years of pining for you, that maybe one day I will run into you and all of the questions will be cleared. What happened to our little promises, to the us who was happy with just little things. And all I could feel is just the stabbing guilt of not following through, of being the one that gave things up. How do I look towards the me then who believe in everything? The endless of self questioning and doubts, if it wasn't you, would anyone ever matter anymore? The person whom I refused to get into a relationship because of all the people I ever dated, you were the one that I wish with all my might not to go. Yet, you left. Once more, you left. And I couldn't be okay with that, knowing my state of mind and emotions, there is no way I could go through with this. I selfishly demand too much of things and deep down I knew, no matter how much I wish you were the one, you weren't. You were the guy I thought was right that came at the wrong time, which turns out that you weren't the guy that was right. You just was the guy I had clung on to for a long time because I had wanted it to work out since young, to be with my best friend and chase our dreams together.

But the thing about years and fate is that it changes us. I'm no longer the same girl I was back then, nor were you that same boy. And after the flurry of happiness of finally finding you, even when it was not spoken, we knew. That we both have changed and that change has driven us apart. While it is safe to say we did fight for our dreams, we fought very differently. The aching feeling doesn't stop and tears threaten to spill each time I remember of you, but somehow I just couldn't bear to cry for you again.

After so long of emotional pursuit over you, I couldn't seem to say it once more that you are gone. Perhaps I'm in denial, perhaps I'm just suppressing my emotions. But I know once, that I was happy with you. I know once, that you urged me to fight for my freedom and to never call it quits on my dreams. You taught me that being alone isn't too bad and being quiet meant you hear so much more.

I had my times with you and while things just didnt work out, finding you was the best moment of this year. Losing Star then and now losing you felt like a full stop to the chapter that I have always wanted an epilogue. Thank you for loving me and thank you for the memories.

I never regretted loving you but I need  to learn to be happy by myself now.