Happy realization

"on a scale of 1 - 10, how pretty do you think I am?"
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To be honest, I did it because I want to know how affected I would be when I hear about how much my looks are rated towards the people I'm close. To be fair though, I don't think I have ever asked my closest friends, maybe because I was comfortable with myself in front of them, but for those I ask, they are freshly made relationships. So to be honest, I wonder how confident I am in my own skin.

(obviously speaking, they will pass me because they are bias) 

But I'm pretty surprised by my own reaction itself. I'm sorry fellow peer that I used you for my own personal experiment. So here's goes.

I'm not the pretty lady that catch your eyes straight from the start.
I know that.
Sometimes I don't even bother to dress more than just tshirt and shorts.
funny how it used to talk a lot of self convincing to get myself to wear shorts
because I was sure that my legs would look like fats being squeezed out

I don't have the confidence to walk out of my house without putting
concealer if I'm wearing contacts because of my dark eye circles or
my atrocious eye bags.

I'm a girl who has been put down over and over again for her looks
to the point where I believe in insults more than I do at compliments.

So I was surprised that even though I may not rake very high in the scale,
my reaction was at the best, acceptance.
I may not be weighing as light as my petite friends
or have those defined cheekbones.
But I'm surprisingly okay.

I may not be fully comfortable with my own skin,
or not winced when someone poke me at my tummy.
but I'm in a better place now.

this morning a kind soul told me this
"I don't think I ever thank you enough for all that you have done for me, thank you"
and it really made my day today.
-

I don't think I have ever said enough thank you or sorry
to the people in my life.

Thank you guys and I know I don't say this enough or sometimes
react in ways that are thrown at you guy and I'm sorry for that, darlings.
I'm thankful for tolerating my meltdowns, my nonsensical prattles at
wee hours of the night. I'm sorry for sometimes not being the best friend/
girlfriend/daughter out there and that was me sometimes, throwing my
tantrums or my insecurities because logic start to not make sense to me.
I'm thankful for the times you guys stood by me, asking me what was wrong, or insisting
I take my meals/rest early/ask me to take care cause of the haze. I don't know what I did
to deserve such fluffeh people in this world, but I couldn't be less grateful.

I'm thankful to the people that has came into my life and shaped my perceptions
of people, of life, of my future, my hopes and dreams. I'm not me if it wasn't for
those moments in my life. I'm sorry for the times I ever hurt anyone, with my words or my
behaviours. Sometimes I get so upset, I end up shutting myself away and just wanna curl
away to let the pain disappear. I'm sorry if that means I end up pushing you all away.
I'm thankful for those understanding days where I spent quiet, even though inside me,
it's like a funfair of emotions. I'm sorry if I don't personally go up to you to talk to you or text
because sometimes I really don't know what to say or to make the awkward moments go away.
But trust me, I love to hear from people, to hear about their days and feel their emotions rush through.

I'm sorry and I thank you for making me, me.

ghosts are real
The ghost that haunts me
In those waking hours
Slipping through those cracks
Of insecurities
Whispering tales weaved
And concocted
--you should see me shudder
As I struggle to hold it together
As it eats me up from inside

Ghosts are real
One particularly called jealousy

Little happiness

"your right hand look empty"
"really? zomg did i leave something behind"
-proceeds to grab hand-
"much better"


love isn't the grandest of gestures. It's not the moment you spend living out each perfect dates where we play dress up games. Love may not have the most romantic stories. It may just be waking up to your face every now and then, it's the joyous moment when you lay in bed together and insisted it is too early to be up when the clock has struck 12.

It's the quiet moment you spend together, each doing different thing yet their presence are just a breath away. It's the days you spent apart, snapping silly photos or doing weird stuff and proceed to share it with your significant other. It's the moment you spend studying, bemoaning about mid terms and wondering what is life spent studying till 5am rushing through lectures and quizzes. It's the snuggle after and a peck on the cheek saying good job, we survive an all nighter.

It's probably this and more, but when I think of love, I don't see a definition, I don't see a specific memory, I don't see soulmate, I don't see the one.

when I see love,
I see you.