lightning;

my goodness, what happened to my optimism just a month ago.

made more reconnections this year and it honestly felt good to catch up on all the friends I kind of missed out on while I was clearing myself out. So many times I thought fear would get the better of me but i think it might have been also due to a stronger foundation that I build last year to fall back on that it didn't feel as bad as I thought it would be. It could just be the whole new year new me shiz but somehow it just feels really warm to see that there are still familiar faces among this path I'm trudging.

just ended a pretty major event at company, and ugh no matter how many times I said i wont go back to events, here i am still doing events. Though admittedly there was really a lot of things that I could have done better, but I broke down lesser and self blaming got a little less intense and frequent as well. Ahaha to think it took me so long to get over camp failures last time. Definitely still feeling the after effects nevertheless but I think as always hearing the feedbacks help me realign myself a little in terms of reproach and how I can do better.

started putting in place a few of the goals but ack still not getting there but I guess, as always learning to take more things in stride and give myself a little breathing space. a little mini achievement on confronting boundaries as well when people step over it instead of letting it slide as well as really just being vulnerable and honest as much as possible. it's funny though that it got a little more easier when things are casual than when I have to fret over the little nuances of life and navigating those.
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flickering of lights, that 3 am long night. you sat beside me, on that wooden bench. I remember it clearly, how everything just felt deafening quiet. How my heart throbs so badly, and I fear that you would hear, how much I was screaming. It was that particular night that I broke, I tore apart everything, and I just stay there breaking. No will to move forward, just the sense of crumbled defeat.

it was that 3 am long night where I stayed more afraid of the silence, more fearful of being understood than anything else. Perhaps it was me, that I wanted the pain and maybe it was because it was you as well. That I don't want this, whatever this was to go any further. It made no sense, the loud coursing of thoughts in my head, as I just sat there, beside you, wishing badly to stay at that time fragment and still knowing fully well that dangerous comfort will one day, slit whatever that ties us together.

it was that 3am night, that I came back with lightning streaks and that never-ending downpour.
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