ghosts are real
The ghost that haunts me
In those waking hours
Slipping through those cracks
Of insecurities
Whispering tales weaved
And concocted
--you should see me shudder
As I struggle to hold it together
As it eats me up from inside

Ghosts are real
One particularly called jealousy

Little happiness

"your right hand look empty"
"really? zomg did i leave something behind"
-proceeds to grab hand-
"much better"


love isn't the grandest of gestures. It's not the moment you spend living out each perfect dates where we play dress up games. Love may not have the most romantic stories. It may just be waking up to your face every now and then, it's the joyous moment when you lay in bed together and insisted it is too early to be up when the clock has struck 12.

It's the quiet moment you spend together, each doing different thing yet their presence are just a breath away. It's the days you spent apart, snapping silly photos or doing weird stuff and proceed to share it with your significant other. It's the moment you spend studying, bemoaning about mid terms and wondering what is life spent studying till 5am rushing through lectures and quizzes. It's the snuggle after and a peck on the cheek saying good job, we survive an all nighter.

It's probably this and more, but when I think of love, I don't see a definition, I don't see a specific memory, I don't see soulmate, I don't see the one.

when I see love,
I see you.

Seems like september is where my posts here peaks.
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I'm sorry for unfathomable sadness, I'm sorry for being a quiet little child who can't seem to take care of herself. Sometimes my thoughts get so loud and I get so exhausted by all the endless debates that run through my head. I'm sorry I cannot bring myself to not lie and say i'm not okay. I'm sorry because I'm afraid of being anything more than a happy pill.
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"my heart's worn and bruised
and still it beats each day
as though it has never been broken
and i wonder how it is possible
cause between here and now
i think my ache could have swallow me whole"

A little update

First thing first, year 2 is such a pain in the ass with its workload and datelines. But somehow it seems easier to breathe compared to year 1 where i was just bloody stressed about everything. i'm glad though that through it all, I still have people by my side, to do the weirdest and randomest of stuff.

I was pretty proud of myself earlier on the semester for signing up for 15km run even though I havent exactly run in a very long while, make that close to a year plus. Though I didnt run all the way, I was pretty pleased with my timing and knowing my condition + the fact I didnt finish last, I was really really happy. I dont know how many people know how much this significance means to me, but it meant a hell lot, knowing I'm pushing past my limits to do the things I want to do, which bring me to another point, I am officially in dance~~~ whee, not sure about crew yet but learning the stuff I've been wanting to do so, despite objections from others, be it for money-wise or for health-wise, I'm pretty glad somehow I managed to do something I love. 

Speaking of doing things I love, I'm thankful that despite all that has happened, I am still (gratefully) doing the modules I love. And the group mates I have are quite versed in environmental biology as well, huehuehue People that i went on field trip with could tell that i was really into the module so i was tagged the evb type, so it kindda feel nice, being recognized for something that you're passionate about. 

Here comes one of the most disappointing news. I will not be going for exchange. I find it such a hard and bitter pill to swallow, after all the talks about going oversea and travelling, doing the modules that look damn interesting to be really brought back down to reality. kindda suck. A lot. Seeing all your friends planning to go different universities, seeing your seniors snapchatting photo, seeing all the lovely pictures on instagram, and wondering where your life would have been if you could have just go. Despite not having a good cap, I knew i couldnt go to the university i probably wanted to go but the knowledge of knowing it's a definite no, still stings. But i guess, that's the thing about life, you dont always get what you want, and sometimes, we just need to see that little sunshine beyond the clouds. 

Tribute to B

your name was scrawled over
in that book

I blew the dust away

the pages turned
and you were gone

The chase and the pursuit

I finally ended all 6 camps. Man that took all the strength and effort out of me, God bless me for whatever crazy impulse it was that make me signed up. I'm glad for the opportunity given because I was someone who was so afraid of trying to be OGL back when I was in junior college. I was afraid i would have panic attack, i was afraid of breaking down, of being a liability rather than an asset to help boost the og. I did became an ogl in the end, i did break down, but i learn from it. But man, even i was surprised i survived all 6.
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My first prep camp was fac. Man, that one was fun. Even though it wasn't full strength, I was happy because we were always enthu, we cared for each other, we had our htht, and we always get scolded for excluding ourselves out. We had the most liability which always make our body count the lowest among the rest of the ogs, but i guess it was because of that, that we grew closer to other fac members as well. From that camp, all I could do was look forward to the actual camp. I wasn't feeling well then so I had a minor panic attack then which I didn't exactly tell anyone about.
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Second prep camp was scamp. Ohmygosh, that was awkward. I wasn't participative in it at all, bella was pulled out of camp. All i could feel was loneliness seeping in. It didn't help that I had relationship problems to handle with. I remember the nights where I sleep damn late and I just excluded myself from all the night sessions, also because i wasn't interested in riddles and puzzles. I was glad though that at the very least,  I had someone who looked out for me.
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Third camp was life science. That camp was hilarious, because my house had the most number of people, that they make us play against each other in the same house. I like the environment there cause we were so small, we could all go for supper or have our htht sessions, but man it was freezing cold. I hated it so much, I think i swore to find somewhere else to sleep for actual camp for scamp. That camp i found out one of my friends that i made then was gonna leave, it took me all the strength it could to not cry, i hated the idea of leaving, i hated being so affected by it and that was when i realized I'm still pretty much emotional.
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Fourth camp was scamp. Things were still pretty awkward and i guess having your friend's ex boyfriend there didnt make matters any better. The guys look out for me and make sure that no matter what I was never left alone with him, so for that I was thankful. I hated the first two days because I couldn't talk to one of my close friends cause he was a fake freshie so I legit had no one to turn to when we all went to sleep. But i was grateful that I made a bunch of friends outside and ended up having a mini clique. Oh my gosh, the reason we got together was so hilarious, not to mention how slow i was in realizing that one of them was actually the person sleeping next to me the whole time! I bonded more with the freshies than the seniors, and i was so taken aback by how lupsup the girls were, ohmytian, they ended up explaining some of the stuff to me. The camp was such a turbulent one, where there were tension between my ogl and i. There were tension between my friend, my seniors, me and a camper. It was mytian, drama and more drama.  The last night i just cried, cause i never expected myself to make such an impact to the freshies, I remember people thanking me for things I dont even remember anymore. I was just so happy for all the things that I learnt from there and the friends that I have made.
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Fifth camp was obviously something I had looked forward to ever since the seniors have our meetup at st. games. I love the cheers that we made, but I love our og more. They were the loveliest bunch ever, seeing them slowly opening up more and more. I love our htht sessions, all of them. Even those we had during meal time where we make cold jokes, riddles to ghost stories. But burning bridges was bad, and that night the seniors all went back feeling so guilty. I'm glad that we managed to build bridges and make them more bonded with each other. I'm so touched when they offered to buy supper for us, and even ask another og to do the same. I'm so damn proud of them for their skit and speech, for their active participation even when we are all dying. Because there were choir girls inside, we always end up singing, i'm grateful for those moments too where I started feeling more cared for, cause that camp, i burnt out. I started having flu, having fever and I was just feeling terrible, also because i was confronted with issues and i didn't know who to turn to. Endless blaming on my part and how I just had to put a front, I think i just stayed out that night at the playground, cause I was just upset. But that was my own end, this og has carved a special place in my heart and became my bias which make it hard for me to move on to my next camp without feeling the hangover
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sixth camp was my last camp, i felt guilty for always counting down the days to the last day because i was just so tired. I remember the days where i just spent sleeping, anywhere possible. I am thankful for such an enthusiastic og. I was so shocked on the first day when they were so loud doing their first cheer, it was easy to talk to them because there were people with scamp experience. But i still miss my previous og sorely and kept comparing them. With that guilt trip, I did do more effort on my part to bond them and I guess they felt that too cause they were always zi high. I'm damn proud of them for always cheering and being craycray cause they taught me how, it doesnt matter whether you win or not, it's all about the fun. They weren't the most bonded but they are definitely the craziest. So i have my share of face being painted or just being teased like crazy, I was surprised when this lovely bunch surprised me and my seniors with cupcakes one night because they felt bad that we kept treating them. And if that was not enough, during the last day, they called into the radio station to dedicate songs to us, and even to the last point, they would cheer whenever they take photographs. The seniors and I all felt like superstars with their fangirling. I'm proud to be their ogl, to be able to lead them, to be able to care for them and the committee was so damn impressed by us that even though we didnt win best og, they created another prize for us because we were just that good. Just felt so thankful for them.
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I settled my problems with each and every camp in the end. The memories carved will always stay and I couldn't be more sad that my camps have all ended. I love each moment, even those screwed up ones. I couldn't say I was happy all the way but I definitely learn and grew a lot more during this phase than i did during my first year in uni. Ah the hangover effect is still here, but there are always outings to look forward to. And ohmytian, all three og are so crazy about meeting, i think we are already planning our second/third outing already. HAHAHA.

Blessed by you guys!

This is what I want to do with you

This was inspired by Waylon Lewis
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This is what I want to do with you. I want to cuddle up with you, wrapped in blanket, on those rainy thunderstorm nights. I want to tell you of my fear of thunder and hear you share your fears too. And we will pass the night, sharing each other's lives. It doesn't have to be all about sad mopey stories, even the funny ones too. Watching your eyes crinkle and your nose wrinkle in disgust as you share that embarrassing moment you swore never to tell anyone. And when we are tired, we will lay in bed, asleep. We will wake when we feel like it, we will dress up if we want to. If not, the bed we shall lay.

This isn't about you compromising to make time for me. This is about being comfortable. If you had things to run, I understand. Because this is what I want to do with you but this may just be a conjuring of my imagination which I will never say out loud.

But this is what I want to do with you. I want to spend the day with you in a small coffee cafe. Drinking that bitter drink, and perhaps we will play a game or two. Or we will get that sinful chocolate cake that our diet plans had told us not to take. But this is what we will do, on that particular afternoon. Maybe we will walk around the mall, making funny faces at the mirror, or walk into clothing stores, where the prices will burn holes in our pockets. There we will go sighing, of how it would be nice to be rich, so we can afford the things we want, and I would retort back saying, that some of things in life are not measured in money, but are felt with your heart. But you would snort, and tell me I'm a hopeless romantic, and perhaps I am. There we will go, to the fast food chain, to fill our bottomless stomach with all the grease and carbohydrates. For dessert, will be that cheap vanilla ice cream cone where you will cheekily swiped it on my nose and I will probably do the same. There we will sigh and that perhaps will be the day. No mention of what's going on with each other's life but just enjoying each other's company.

But this isn't compulsory, there may never come such a day. But that is just us, being us. Without a thought of worry of what's going to happen next. But i understand, reality often brings us those worries that cling onto us, but this is fantasy, of what i will do with you.

And if you don't like it, it's fine by me too. Because this isn't about dating, this isn't about getting into a relationship. It's just about knowing you and me sharing about myself too. Perhaps it will seem daunting, and that's perfectly okay too. This is what I want to do with you, but this may not be what you want to do with me.