;whiskers and cup of coffee

I like to think each year of my life has always been a lot of things that have taught me lessons that carry me through my life or just been a lot of memorable events but man, when I say I was going to kick 2020 in the ass, I would have never expected how many things would have happened in just a span of one year.

Obviously the biggest thing that was to hit was Covid. Covid brought about a halt to many of the goals I have set up and of course it has given me a lot of clarity as well towards so many things in my life. I can't begin to fathom how much lives it has took directly and indirectly and I see personally how many lives of my friends have been affected, be it a loss of job or even a loss of relationship. I recall mentioning to people about how it was really tough during the lockdown period and it just struck me on elderly folks who have nothing to do and I guess how much loneliness kill. I am thankful for the age of technology where I can still mimic some semblance of interactions with the outside world, somehow it helped me reconnect with few friends that I have lost touch with and definitely forge new friendships during that period. 

beyond just lockdown, it was also the year that I dared to take all that steps forward. 2019 I kept feeling like I pushed myself further and further, trying out different activities just so I can feel like justifying to myself on the loss of the relationship and how I have to prove that this is the reason why I should be living a certain life because of it. I guess because of that, I didn't allow myself to grieve for a very long time and hence the numerous breakdowns. Even till 2020, there were still moments where it haunts me, and I am glad that there are people along the way that got me through those rough spots.

I think for the longest time I kept persuading myself to stay in this toxic environment of mine, simply giving myself the excuse that it is what I have known and that I should be able to handle it by now. But I am glad that eventually I got out of it albeit not 100% ready. But to be out on my own, man it was definitely very different. It was finally a place I could call my own, that I have to pay bills for, that I am in charge of my life in every bit of the way. Did it scare me? Heck yes. It also made me confront many terrible habits of mine, there was many moments still I beat myself up for all the guilty pleasures I have for feeling safe and okay, but I have learn to slowly learn to be more at peace with myself and take more conscious effort to take care of myself now.

Mental health 101 also means that I also took the leap to see a counsellor this year. It was a really scary feeling for me cause I think for the longest time, people/partners have been asking me to see one because it felt like they reached a point where they could not help anymore and I always just get so afraid, because of the past scars I have. I think what really helped was knowing that counselling is 100% okay, doing the research on finding affordable ones and just knowing that there are friends who have been to counselling before and hearing their experiences. I think pole fam really helped me a lot in this because I think through my interactions with them, I feel like I was able to articulate my boundaries clearer and seeing them take steps towards being more conscious towards protecting their mental health, make me more clearer on the things I am feeding my mental self and it has not been pleasant. So tldr, was a nerve wreck seeing one, but when I finally did, thank goodness the counsellor was someone that click, so I found it easier to tackle some of the things I have trouble with as well as finally, opening up about my dad. I don't think I am ready to tackle that part of my life yet but I think the fact that I was able to finally do it on my own accord to share it with a professional (and that she did not think I was lying) make it a really big milestone in my life.

2020 had many huge ass milestones in my life, I used to think I will only be able to hit them one day kindda thing and to have so many of them all suddenly checked off my list, made me honestly a bit lost and I really am not sure where to go from there, but I got to keep reminding myself that I need to take the time to enjoy all these moments of mine. But yea so I decided to write down in the next post all the things in my life that have made up by 2020. 

 “We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything - what a waste!” - Call Me By Your Name

my specks of uncertainty

comfort clings on, that little darkness,

the nothingness that stretches

the peppered breaths that break apart the silence

you stare out into the void,

thinking of nothing, ideas, imagery which you 

cling on to, desperate to give form, to give 

backbones, words, structures, to make

sense, the technicality of things

parched, the clock ticks

the mundane race, the annoying cookie cutter dream

plastered upon all walls, the dissipating will

of a sleep that bring about temporarily relief, 

tomorrow comes, another day

tomorrow ends, an unforgiving nightmare

hello, you said to the dog that greets you

hello you said, counting the numbered hellos

sea of thieves

you were a storm that i desperately wished was a lighthouse
that warm guiding light amidst the waves
yet you were the thunder, the loud rolls, the hurls of spites
you were lightning, your crackling touch that left way too many scars, too many wreckage
a disaster you left at your wake, i was that disaster

i was a ship that wanted harbor, a respite amidst my travel
in people's harbor, I turned away
for fear of the next wreck, the wreck you left in me
the holes you have burnt, my feeble attempts to fix, those desperate ones
the water keep filling, i was drowning before i even learn how to swim

they tried to tie me down, their sweet seduction, their promises of a safe haven
but i was rudderless, my trust were few

you stayed in the eye of storms for too long,
you start to believe you were made for the wild
the raging seas, the unforgiving weather, the unpredictable ruthless waves
you wrapped your heart so tightly, you start making deals with the devil
flameheart please free me from the shackles i have tied upon myself
please drown that ship of mine

a young lad, drunk on his merry way, a stowaway on this titanic
aren't you afraid, of the storms, of the ship driving herself in this iceberg field
that smirk, that cheeky confidence before the reply,
these choppy water, that delicious rum
i will do it all with her

// the bell rang

there it was, she knew it from the very start.
was there no way out of this?
many scenarios, possible conversations, the retorts, the backlash,  how many times has it been dear child? You lost count, of the number of times you swallowed it down, the indignation, the defiance that you try your best to quell. You know you can't afford to win this, so you back down once more, resignation flickering.

you question yourself before, why it was difficult to just listen, be the puppet, be entwined in the strings, made to play the show you were dictated to be in. your reckless soul beat against this regime, you know very well, it is only a matter of time before it all break loose, that's what happened isn't it? When you lose control of rational thoughts, and decided it was best to start following your feelings into things.

Forget the naysayers who tell you no, forgive the people who do you wrong, forgo the dissuaders, they know not better. They meant well, they believe what was best for you, what to stop your heart from breaking, but why was it so hard this time round to be cautious, to shield your heart from pain.

There it was, my sweet summer child. The gate, the gate that you have stared out from your windows, the gate that you have always wished fervently, the gate, the gate. The gate that was always there, run child, run. And never look back.

merging stillness

the dull pulses, the lazy yawn through the sweltering hot air

sweat crisp, dripping over, days stretched on my planner, reminding me we reached summer.

the semblance of normalcy, or our little irregularities during this strange stillness

we paused everything, yet the urge, the rush, the push just doesn't seem to be slowing

if ever, the need for clarity, for some form of semblance become even more urgent, tugging at the sleeves.

breakfast merged to lunch to dinner, naps merged to sleep, morning to dusk, twilight to dawn

pitter patter goes the keys, clittery clack goes my cells, the throb, the need to push past this quicksand that we are all sinking comfortably to. Media consumed, connections are just a few touch away, yet intimacy could not be anymore foreign.

--- 

and there you have it, my little ramblings during this whole entire lockdown. slowly crawling forward to the end of it, there is a sense of anticipation, but as always, my mind start to run, of all the things that may come next. I was supposed to kick ass this year, but somehow it feels like this year is striving to bring down that resolution. HAHAHA 

pizza and a little bit more

it's been raining the past few days and somehow it brought about a comforting respite amidst all these noises.
the past few weeks have brought about many changes, a lot of self reflections and many moments that all seem a little too picturesque.
feels a bit strange but the peace I have felt during January then now seem a little too naive and innocent, like the calm before the storm. But there is a something beautiful about that as well, it reminded me that I was still perfectly capable of making or forging connections that I thought I lost when I finished studies.
sometimes I wonder why I hold myself to such ideals that I am incapable of certain things or forcing myself to ridiculous standards, maybe a justification or some sorts?
-
I climbed onto the sheets, his scent still clung on
It has been awhile since I felt that sense of shelter that came
like a gazelle, drenched by the storms
shivering amidst a warm source
I admit I was greedy
that I found a connection I was not capable of letting go

that warm source
the ripples of laughter
feels strangely homely

I peeked at the window,
is it nigh-time already
time felt like a strange concept
as I stare at your sleeping figure