the wind that blow once rarely blow twice

Concert is coming..
I have successfully ended orientation, thankfully i have not acted up during the camp itself but during rehearsal, whichever case, I am glad that i have forged new bonds and relive my times when i was in orientation. Never did i regretted it, things may not have gone as plan, but my 2 ogl partners, i sincerely know was there for me and helped make og27 who they are today, needless to say my og was all i could ever wish for.
Today, went out to buy stuff for concert, it was really weird since I realized that i'm starting to take on the same roles i took when i was back in choir. Yet the stress still hasn't hit home yet, maybe it was caused i refused to care that much anymore or because i simply given in to apathy itself. That I never wish to happen, sure empathy has always been the best part of me, the price itself is not one i would wish to pay.

while having dinner with my non-existent bf, i mean he is not exactly my bf, he was trying his hardest to not be one either, but it was indeed funny and awkward. While sharing on the problems of cca and life itself, i really wonder just why it was so uncomfortable whenever i mentioned about anything to do with me. I mean i can recount events perfectly, but when it comes to my own thoughts and feelings, it's like a barrier that i cannot breach. I never did tell him the truth and with that, i'm really apologetic.

Truth to be told, I've been having recurring nightmares and was visibly shaking/trembling when i was in the presence of guys, it's just that it was never really that obvious when we eat in fast food, as i always use the crowd to make me feel better and would try to avoid contact, subconsciously. My past, still haunts me. With my bf, it seems like that barrier was broken, but for how much intimacy can i go, i do not know. And that scare me itself.

when it comes to groups/clique, i will always feel left out, and given the chance, i will just drift, drift as i possibly can, its not that i love being alone, i hate that feeling of loneliness, call it attention seeking, its just that much that i want to feel wanted, to feel cared for. And the other hand of protection, i care about others, but not myself as much, to the point where i left many to tread on me, so carefully i hid my heart, so when people start to grow closer, the further i would move away. For fear, knowing fully that loneliness would bring about depressing thoughts, but pain itself of any emotional scale would bring me buckets of tear.

Bones i drag
lifting my body, breaking into
presumed smiles
wearing my wary heart
critics flew,anger stayed

piles of politics
sheets of work
the nerve to unravel
the poise to remain
actions to remember
scores to memorize

to lead by day
to work at night
stabbed, mocked, ridiculed

where once stood a child
an adult she grew in a fortnight

so my first post for 2013, and it is a rant..
No surprise here, actually it's more of a last resort or more so things.. considering i still have work to do..
-
Things have been stressful. Like really stressful,
maybe not yet as stressful as previous school,
but maybe 2/3 of it already.

It has been crazy hell days for the few weeks,
and as much as i look forward to leading my juniors
and going forth in being the most enthusiastic person.
i am burning out. Literally.

With the long hours that we stay
or the mockery, strife and all.
It's about just enough to make me
wanna yell at everyone
and just be like ARGHHHH.

I really need. understanding. support
that's all. Time may not be on my side,
but a shoulder to lean on or to cry to,
it's what i need. right. now.

It's been months since I lasted posted.
2 months to be exact..

To be honest, I've been through quite a bunch of stuff these two months. I've met up with the UN (screams!) Like a finally, there was much more people this time round. Also, that day marks the end of guitar before promos, and also the first concert performance, which I'm sad to say we messed up, but hey, throughout the whole time, the practice spent was all worth it. Each and every bit of it. In those months, I've also gotten my hands on laoshi book!! YES.

Of course, my health has been like a swing, it goes up and down as it pleases. And during the period of revision and exam, I had unfortunately took a turn for the worse, raging fever follows me for the week, and before i knew it, i was sent to the hospital. Yep, you heard right. I was admitted for a few days and nights.. and honestly speaking.. throughout the time i was sick, it never fails to struck me just how much i felt like crying over parents, over friends (I should probably add inverted commas).

then again, no matter how much tears I shed, it still won't be worth the dime for them.

~
Black birds sitting on the branches,
pecking and pecking,
on the twisted leaves.

Waiting for the sun,
as monsoon pour in,
drenching them all,
feathers and bones.

Looking to find
the drops that fell
from the sky
are not from the eyes
of the tears that run.

wiping and find
the glimmer of warmth
wraps one, to no comfort

seek, not the heat
hear not listen
the heart stop,
the eyes water
the hands tremble
for the resemblance
of a source
so near
yet far.

In the rain, that's where we run

Updates are necessary.. just because.
I'm now class rep. Yep, figures.
Results for common test was really atrocious, dropped like mad, but i guess the only bright side was that i improved for physics and chinese, and i went up a rank in my class.

Been sick for quite a long time,  hahahs, keep running in the rain. Seriously fun but consequences.. ack. And yes, i think it has been exposed to quite a few people already.. uhhhh but i guess it wasn't that obvious since i went a few months without any one questioning me about it :3

can't wait for the long break! Promise i will give a lengthier update during break. Tests coming up, math, econs on mon. Chinese and gp on tues. Fri chem. :( ack.

National day and teachers' day performance coming.. need to practice and OF COURSE CLIQUE MEETUP. #heckyes

And then it's promo, a level chinese, japan trip and og orientation... buseh busehhh

Cutting Ties

Maybe just maybe,
I decided to stop hurting myself.
To not live in denial anymore.

Your sorry cuts like a knife,
my heart could no longer take.
Instead of bleeding,
the red lines serve well to remind me.

I really hate how I'm feeling this way.

Saw this and well, why not?

Definition of lie:
1. a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive an intentional untruth a falsehood
2. to express what is false convey a false impression.

My definition?
Any lie, be it a white one or a black or who knows what colour, is still a lie. And the thing about lies? They get back to you one day, no matter how hard you try to cover up it, or whatever reason or motive you have behind it, a lie will be found out. When you lie to someone, please just remember this. A friend had believed in you, genuinely believed in your lies. The one who has trusted you to say the truth. You know what really irritates me, when people lie, about the most grave matters. That's as good as breaking a promise.

Maybe I'm still used to ranting on my blog.
And this blog have been dead so yep.
One reason why I'm not posting on OD, or the other blog or tumblr,
is just because there are people there that reads.
~
Talk to Joes, and I really broke down.
The emotional roller coaster has really drained me beyond what I had expected.
These few days haven't been my best, I had lost to my own natural defense
of always curling to one corner and sleep it off.
I think I'm gonna beat my record of sleeping for so long since 2 years ago.

I really don't want to fall back to who I was 2 years ago,
and i'm on the brink of doing so.
The depression will sink in every once and then,
I can hear their laughter, still mocking me.
I can still remember the promises she ask me to keep,
that if anything, call her. And tell her that I'm not alright.
I'm not okay yet I'm not picking up that phone call,
I'm suffering yet I'm doing nothing about it.
I want to cry, but every single time i cry,
I always feel upset even more when I keep crying over the same reasons.

To add on, when i told you my results, I really
wanted to hear was your congratulations, your freaking acceptance
that the decision i made is a good one. Yet what did you reply me,
So are you glad about it? What the shit do you want me to reply that,
your underlying tone of sarcasm as though I could not hear.
It hurts, when you invited me to some random who the hell know what event
expect me to bloody turn up for it, or it means I put other priorities over me.
What the crap do you want me to do. show up and be feeling like I made
the worst decision in my life because you always, never fail to leave me out?
Or not, and feel really bad for treating those people who have brought me out.
Double edged sword you are.

So tell me when is enough,
how much of laughter directed at me do you wish for me to endure
and how many fake front do you want me to put, as though I'm happy.
Screw it.
I'm tired of all the hurt that has been accumulating, I want you to care.
But it's as good as giving you the trigger, knowing you will shoot me down.
I want to give up but i can't. So i always linger, knowing fully well, you have
that every right to hurt and leave me at any time.

the night is long, it really ache and hurt.
this time round, I can't even begin to think
about what is wrong or right.
I can't bear to talk to anyone,
the feeling of being a burden is really weighing me down again.

Instead of who i am 2 years ago,
I'm falling deeper into this spiral.
this dark abyss
that i swore i will never step foot in.

The beating of heart race faster. Faster and faster.
Threatening to consume me.