It was hearing every goodbye ever said to me—said all at once

This was inspired by blossomfully

I dont think we started out thinking we would fall. No, we just do. Whether it was a string of fate that tie us together or just mere coincidence. We were there, happy. But that time has past

But that's not how i want you to remember it.

I want you to remember the random text messages that were sent and how the most ridiculous of stuff could put a smile on your face. Remember me laughing at your corny jokes, even the stupid ones. Especially the stupid ones. Remember how i refuse to back down from my own arguments even when they don't make sense, how insane that drove you. Remember me, the impulsive me who did brash things just for that fleeting moment of adrenaline. Remember me, scared. Remember my fear of thunder and how I thought cupping my ears would make them go away. Remember me, closed off from the world, delicate and fragile, as if a slightest touch would break me.

Remember me being sassy, and all the eye rolling I did whenever we had those moments of bitchiness. Remember that triumph smile you had when you beat my high scores. Remember the stubbornness in us where we refuse to give in as we wrestled our ways through. Remember all the songs we sang and the words that keep spinning even when the night has turn to dawn. Remember the fear of forgetting and the desperation to remember. Remember hoping, remember dreaming. If there is only consolation, I had the same path as well, with you. 

when it all boils down, I dont wish for you to remember how it ends. 

Remember the beginning, remember the first time you knew.

i woke to nightmares again. This will probably be the nth time this is happening. Sleep eludes me and when I do finally close my eyes, all I feel is silence. The strange numbness and the breathlessness kicked in.
-

Ruo ning came over to science the other day. It reminded me of secondary school days and of these group of people that has morphed into daph rescue team. I miss that, I miss being showered with care and concern. I was at the lowest point in my life, where most of my days was spent curling up to a corner, gasping for air and how it was hard to even walk. Knowing my lone wolf character, I never had the chance to be alone, each moment was spent fretting over my reckless behaviour. No running, no cold drinks, no chance to be upset at all. There was always warmth.

I probably haven't told anyone in my school yet about my condition. This is my first time sitting in exam conditions and honestly speaking, that scares the fuck out of me. My mind goes blank most of the times and I always feel the bile rising in of not being good enough or that i haven't studied enough and i couldn't shake off the feelings. I think it took a worse when exams ended and my whole face was just flushed, and im left trying to control my breathing.
-

sigh. I need better control of my emotions.

pain

There are 7 billion people out there





























and I had the audacity to think I matter

Smile a little

I turn to writing again. It felt like I hit one of those moments where nothing start to make sense and I remember someone once told me how my writing were like poems and so I tried to make a limit this time round and try to come up with something in exactly 110 words.

So hold on tight, i will get through this battle. no more dependency.

-

It was the eyes

That attracted me

As he whimpered 

And begged me to take him

I did

It was the eyes

That greeted me each day

When I got home

With infectious enthusiasm 

It was the eyes 

With that apologetic expression

When he did something wrong

Begging for forgiveness 

It was the eyes 

That comforted me 

In the dead of the night 

As I rushed through my assignments 

With him by my side 

It was the eyes 

With endless whys 

Burning in him 

Searing into my guilt 

It was those naive eyes

That haunted me each time

When I remember how 

I left him 

Without looking back

-

if anyone can't tell, it's not about a couple but a relationship between a dog and his owner

alone does not equate loneliness

This isn't the first time I'm spending this occasion here, but this probably is one of those moment where I started feeling really sad somehow. I mean I made the choice to stay and it probably will feel the same even if I have went there, but I guess the point is I didnt. 

And that led me thinking.

Would I be okay, truly okay to spend my life this way? I mean we always joke of growing old with our 99 cats and being one of those hipster that doesnt care about people taking care of them, but when it comes down to it, is it really what we wanted? 

For me, it became a yes and a no. Sounds so contradictory. But it really make me feel comfortable being at home, catching up on movies, doing stuff I would want to do and all. But at the same time, I wasn't truly alone either. I have someone beside me, I have someone to share my meals with and that I cooked with, I have someone that complains and do random stuff with. So perhaps I guess what I can say is that while i crave company to share my life, it is not my priority. 

Perhaps one of the reasons why I'm sad is of the unfulfilled promise, that I had held dearly. That I had remember. But I guess we are still under the same sky, hopefully the meal went well. Gosh Im such a nostalgic person. Or perhaps it was the memories and the words that I held by, thinking that if I were to stay, maybe things would be different. Either way, i'm slowly letting them go. 

Because I can't be selfish and i refuse to let my emotions get the better of me. Here goes the rest of my hols and mugging before the exams start rushing in again.

i'll update whenever I can, cheerios~

the honesty's too much, and i have to close my eyes and hide. 

brushing off that dust on my shoulder
a solid pat
a job well done
i must say

hurt

"did it hurt?"
-
I took awhile to reply and I felt that ache as I breathe

"Yes"