I end up losing you just by being myself.

howdy.
so half a semester has passed without me updating. And to think i was keeping myself on track and all. I realize i tend to bitch here a lot when I'm sick. So here i am, sick. (again) Viral infection again, affecting my nose and throat. There was a bit of fever and inflammation of the chest. And IDK, I was so afraid of my own health condition sometimes. It's like, waiting for the inevitable to happen, but getting the pardon each time. Kindda morbid knowing that we are all taking little steps to our grave.

terrestrial is such a bitch, i swear. I think I should just stick to aquatic and marine system. Much MORE interesting, more fields to cover. Maybe it's cause the TA was good. LOL but either way, I find myself still questioning whether I should have taken a vet degree. A part of me still not willing to shelve away that idea. so I might (?) one day pursue it but it's not a priority now. Priority is just to graduate sobs. with an honour. hopefully. Surprisingly report writing is starting to be easier for me, maybe because i have been bitching writing so many articles, i just cant see myself in a research path, i will be just pulling my hair out just to put a report together. And i can't imagine if I fucked up any result methodology up.

you left again. I don't know why but there is a finality to this one.

Here's to the ones who dream 

Foolish, as they may seem 

Here's to the hearts that ache

Here's to the mess we make

Ain't nothing but a heartache

so 2017 has seen me actually exercising, though it has been so shitty at first because unfit me aches all over, like I'm aching in places I didn't even know was possible, like who knew you need your side abs to help you balance, I mean not like I'm good in balance but each immediate day after gym sees me wobbling around and falling around since it is too painful for me to brace myself to keep myself stable. But each time is definitely getting easier, and I begin to feel weird if i were to skip any gym session. (This should not be used as blackmail material for anybody, especially cough a particular human being that stays with me. I will and shall continue to whine each time i have to hit the gym) Also, for this week cardio is added! I'm actually quite surprised to see my body more toned (which shouldn't be possible since it's only been like a few sessions but hey, i'm not complaining) and I feel like I'm such a healthy human being. HAHAHA cross my fingers to me surviving this.

well one part of me dreaded seeing you since you will be around school, I feel like I'm always spending my school semester beside the first year avoiding people but I don't know how to explain to anyone how I feel when I saw you. There was many foreign feelings, apprehensive? hurt? awkward? sadness? There was a part of me that is definitely angry, I have my own principles and this make it harder for me to let go of all these feelings. I mean others around me just feel that I might be making a big deal out of it, or like that we will somehow work things out. But I really can't bring myself to do it. You hurt more than just me and that is something i will never be able to stand. Even talking about you just brings back all those sourness. I took such a fucking long time to walk out of that shadow, the overwhelming emptiness that oppresses me. The belief that I could be better, that someone could have done this better keeps haunting me each day and night. I couldn't say I regret it, I couldn't tell you that if thrown back to the past, I would not make the same choice and make you do the same as well. But I can't tell you how much there was so many conflicts in me that I spent each night resolving, how sometimes I lose. I lose when I started shutting myself out, I lose when I refuse to talk to anyone beside a trusted few because I was so damn scared to lose anybody again, to be betrayed again. I don't know how to tell you how I feel when someone recognize me as the camp director or when someone tell me that people enjoyed the camp. I don't feel a sense of pride, i don't think the price I paid, the efforts that was put in, would ever feel justified. But I have learnt to slowly be at peace with myself and try to accept a few things at a time. There was no major injuries, and that was something I could breathe easy about. There was no complaints so there was no questioning thrusted to the committee or the seniors and for that I could not be more grateful considering the saga that was looming on our heads. As I scroll through social media and see the groups of seniors or freshmen or orientation groups that are still staying strong, I learn to be less harsh on myself about the camp and how much I felt like I failed it. Nevertheless there will always be things that still resurface but I am stronger now and I will never forget this journey.

phew. that was so hard for me to write. I never thought I would be able to open up about it, but you will be surprised by how much time and support can do.

hey pumpkin
i wonder why i suddenly feel so desolated. I know i shouldn't feel this way but it feel like these days it's getting harder and harder to find a reason to go on. I have actually contemplated suicide and leaving things/people behind in an orderly fashion. And that thought make me really pained inside because as much as it is getting harder to find meaning for things, for people, for life, it is also getting hard to tear apart all those things i have build together, people's confidence that I have worked on. I wonder then pumpkin, did I make any impact in any. Have i became someone who wants to be remembered even just for a little while, because i fear oblivion. But pumpkin, there's another state that makes me more afraid than another, it's being unfathomable.

whiskey dont judge

it's a throb, sometimes a beat louder, sometimes a distant tick
I do not know what i'm missing or what is empty but I know
that I feel detached from you, from everyone. When it hits,
I know. That the monster got me tonight. That I lost.
I should probably say sorry, but each day I'm clawing at my skin
to be okay. I picked at my scabs, wound getting deeper, I wonder
whether you could see, that I am still hurting.

I took the way out to make way for you. I hate that. I hate it when
I'm the one cast aside. It's a painful reminder that the red criss cross
that mark my skin are my own pain and my darkness to wallow. For
this is my grave that I dug, and this is where I place our friendship.

I used to believe i was impenetrable until i met you.