Saturday, July 22, 2017
potato feelings
potato!
It's been awhile since i typed - maybe it has been because it has been busy. I managed to get myself in the reef ecology lab. It is damn awesome, there are so many interesting things to play with and I managed to land myself on lotsa field trip. So here comes waking up at ungodly hours at 5am but it's pretty chill at time, so sometimes i dont have to report to work at all or i can come breezing in the afternoon and be done in an hour or so. HAHA basically i'm just a slave and typing away at my own free time, but somehow it doesnt feel so bad. Also, i'm back to doing transcribing work. I mean it's hard money gah, but it's still an income earned :)
another note, camp 2017 has ended. Even though I wasnt a part of it, I felt strangely weird, that somehow this year camp was good which mean we did leave a successor which didn't screw up and all. But i feel sad at the people I have lost in the progress and I wonder whether if I could have somehow done better. But musings are just musings, all in all, still glad that the freshmen and seniors last year went back to join this year as seniors and committee which makes me really heartened to know they're still trying to live something behind for their freshmen despite all the red tapes and monitoring.
It's been awhile since i typed - maybe it has been because it has been busy. I managed to get myself in the reef ecology lab. It is damn awesome, there are so many interesting things to play with and I managed to land myself on lotsa field trip. So here comes waking up at ungodly hours at 5am but it's pretty chill at time, so sometimes i dont have to report to work at all or i can come breezing in the afternoon and be done in an hour or so. HAHA basically i'm just a slave and typing away at my own free time, but somehow it doesnt feel so bad. Also, i'm back to doing transcribing work. I mean it's hard money gah, but it's still an income earned :)
another note, camp 2017 has ended. Even though I wasnt a part of it, I felt strangely weird, that somehow this year camp was good which mean we did leave a successor which didn't screw up and all. But i feel sad at the people I have lost in the progress and I wonder whether if I could have somehow done better. But musings are just musings, all in all, still glad that the freshmen and seniors last year went back to join this year as seniors and committee which makes me really heartened to know they're still trying to live something behind for their freshmen despite all the red tapes and monitoring.
Friday, June 23, 2017
there's a part of me that I think got very disheartened as I keep trying to do things and keep getting rejected. I mean it's all a part and parcel of life and maybe im just choosy cause I have gotten so far and i just felt like there should be some kind of rewards?? I don't know. Probably some self entitled pride that I should get over.
on the other hand, health has been utter bullshit. I mean i may not say it but sometimes i get really scared to even try exercising much anymore because it felt like my heart may fail on me?? which is ridiculous because all the tests have been coming back normal. But heh, i'm still paranoid as always. Probably just start doing some small static and maybe I will feel better. Im getting fat :(
another reason could possibly be the feeling of loneliness. gah, that prick feeling. I mean i still hang out with my boyfriend and all. But the friends that come and go, slowly I see my phone buzz lesser and the people that I wanna meet or that are free to meet are also lesser. And I just feel that pang where I start missing things. Missing people, missing life, somehow feeling like there's a part of me that missed out on stuff. Miss out on camps, miss out on internship. And it just irritates me because I feel like if my life is not going the way I want it to be, then i get very affected and depressed. Gah.
im just afraid. Im afraid that my life would not amount to much and would burden the people around me. but another part of me felt like im always not trying hard enough and sometimes i'm just tired of trying so hard.
on the other hand, health has been utter bullshit. I mean i may not say it but sometimes i get really scared to even try exercising much anymore because it felt like my heart may fail on me?? which is ridiculous because all the tests have been coming back normal. But heh, i'm still paranoid as always. Probably just start doing some small static and maybe I will feel better. Im getting fat :(
another reason could possibly be the feeling of loneliness. gah, that prick feeling. I mean i still hang out with my boyfriend and all. But the friends that come and go, slowly I see my phone buzz lesser and the people that I wanna meet or that are free to meet are also lesser. And I just feel that pang where I start missing things. Missing people, missing life, somehow feeling like there's a part of me that missed out on stuff. Miss out on camps, miss out on internship. And it just irritates me because I feel like if my life is not going the way I want it to be, then i get very affected and depressed. Gah.
im just afraid. Im afraid that my life would not amount to much and would burden the people around me. but another part of me felt like im always not trying hard enough and sometimes i'm just tired of trying so hard.
Wednesday, May 17, 2017
cookie
there is a part of me that feels like the tiny little cookie in black mirror.
haha not the physical kind of cookie but the data kind, and I just simply can't stand and imagine what it would be like to do nothing, nothing at all. The cookie was trapped and broken for a few months of not doing anything. Barely two weeks into summer and i'm pretty much running myself dry, wondering whether im just left forsaken while everyone is working. Ack melodramatic, but yes it's been hell in that mind of mine. Would i fit into this cookie-cutter society? Do i want to fit in? would i broken and remold into one perfectly shaped cookie?
--
An opportunity came but now i'm not sure whether it is right for me?
--
It was strange talking to bella again, it felt like so much events and things have passed between us. I'm still sure we are there but it's iffy. All my feelings towards people feel iffy and i just feel a strange sense of depression hitting me every single time.
Monday, May 15, 2017
Torn
I'm all out of faith
this is how i feel
im cold and i am shamed
lying naked on the floor
--
I keep promising myself i will update this blog every once in awhile, but it is always so hard to find words to my thoughts or emotions. They always seem to be fleeting, once so prominently bright and a little later, hazy and out of reach. Well, I'm crossing fingers now awaiting for my results which even sent me to honours or to my graduation. I can't help but panic a lot but there is honestly nothing i can do about it hence I'm pretty much just pacing back and forth too.
On to internship, well at first i was happy enough to be offered one interview and one semi-confirmed internship but after that, it all went into smithereens because the company decided to cancel my internship sigh without much explanation, so stuck in a limbo here now, desperately trying to find one while my friends are more or less working or doing internships. Kindda suck when you don't really wanna compare yourself to others but you just can't help yourself from doing so. I mean the whole talk about doing things at your own pace and all, but i can't help but wonder why I am lagging behind so much. Ugh. Not a good feeling to have, being moped up at home.
Each year I see more clearly who are the friends who stood by me and who are the friends that leave. Perhaps I am just a bleeding heart. I used to be so melodramatic from losing friends or people close to me but nowadays i just feel really accepting of my solitude. And that kindda scare me because I have changed, and i'm not so sure i like that change.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
