lightning;

my goodness, what happened to my optimism just a month ago.

made more reconnections this year and it honestly felt good to catch up on all the friends I kind of missed out on while I was clearing myself out. So many times I thought fear would get the better of me but i think it might have been also due to a stronger foundation that I build last year to fall back on that it didn't feel as bad as I thought it would be. It could just be the whole new year new me shiz but somehow it just feels really warm to see that there are still familiar faces among this path I'm trudging.

just ended a pretty major event at company, and ugh no matter how many times I said i wont go back to events, here i am still doing events. Though admittedly there was really a lot of things that I could have done better, but I broke down lesser and self blaming got a little less intense and frequent as well. Ahaha to think it took me so long to get over camp failures last time. Definitely still feeling the after effects nevertheless but I think as always hearing the feedbacks help me realign myself a little in terms of reproach and how I can do better.

started putting in place a few of the goals but ack still not getting there but I guess, as always learning to take more things in stride and give myself a little breathing space. a little mini achievement on confronting boundaries as well when people step over it instead of letting it slide as well as really just being vulnerable and honest as much as possible. it's funny though that it got a little more easier when things are casual than when I have to fret over the little nuances of life and navigating those.
--
flickering of lights, that 3 am long night. you sat beside me, on that wooden bench. I remember it clearly, how everything just felt deafening quiet. How my heart throbs so badly, and I fear that you would hear, how much I was screaming. It was that particular night that I broke, I tore apart everything, and I just stay there breaking. No will to move forward, just the sense of crumbled defeat.

it was that 3 am long night where I stayed more afraid of the silence, more fearful of being understood than anything else. Perhaps it was me, that I wanted the pain and maybe it was because it was you as well. That I don't want this, whatever this was to go any further. It made no sense, the loud coursing of thoughts in my head, as I just sat there, beside you, wishing badly to stay at that time fragment and still knowing fully well that dangerous comfort will one day, slit whatever that ties us together.

it was that 3am night, that I came back with lightning streaks and that never-ending downpour.
--

Forged Path

ah where do I even begin with 2019;

A flurry of events have happened since the last time I posted. There has been such a rough journey of self discovery again and really just sitting my ass down to figuring out where do I go from here and what do I really want.

To start off, pole became such a big part of my 2019. I honestly can't believe that I used to hate pole so much HAHAHA and the fact that I am still poling for a year. It felt really good to be able to sustain a hobby among the numerous things that I picked up along the way. I think beside the fact that pole really built up strength and confidence, the community itself also makes me really grateful. I met people that really open up my world views on things and that are willing to bare their vulnerabilities with. Of course, not to forget, pole also drew me closer to Bianca and I am thankful for the many moments of rants and so many moments where she just chided me on my injuries (man, it reminded me of the times where I used to do the same thing and scold my ex for continuing practice in spite of injuries) Ah the double standards.

Travel. I think I bust my wallet this year for the numerous travels I did. I am glad that I stepped out of my comfort zone and really went out there to see the world. Okay la not so dramatic but this is the first time, I actually travelled with friends. Put my hands down on the number of times I got let down by people and not being able to go oversea. Though there were really a lot of hiccups but I have never been more glad that this was the year that I ended up checking that off my bucket list. Went Vietnam with my colleagues and then had a getaway with choorows followed by the much anticipated Japan trip. In spite of the unfortunate events that happened here and there, man it really felt like a life-changer for me.

It was such a terrifying year as well being single. I guess I have always relied on my partner to confide in and talk to that when the moment that was gone, it was pretty ooofed moment for me having to readjust so many things. It felt strange to have to manage my own expectations and admittedly, I could have definitely done a better job of taking care of myself AHAHA throwback to so many moments I just broke down, be it in the public toilet, MRT trains, office, pole showcase night etc. There were really a lot of moments I thought this was it, I am never getting out of my depression, it was such a messy journey of so many downward spirals, so many times I just keep overthinking, keep pushing myself more and more to a corner, thinking I could handle it and so many times I realise I couldn't handle it. And when I finally gave myself a breather, I also started tiny steps towards healing as well. I don't think I am quite at peace at myself yet and opening up to people is still a bitch but it really felt like pacing myself is getting easier, especially starting from not lying when I'm not okay.

Reconnections happened this year. I had no idea the numerous curve balls that happened and it felt like I always have to recheck back on myself. I definitely change and there was always that hesitation that what if I do not like the person I am changing to or that the daphne that I know, her core values and beliefs are no more? Many reflections on reforged friendships and also, this was also the year I cut away toxic friendships as well. I started focusing more on downtime for myself and not as much on trying to counsel people or trying to meet them. I don't think I will ever be rid of my saviour complex, but sometimes I forgot that I need a little saving on my own as well. And I was telling my friend this that while there may never be a knight in shining armour to save you, you don't have to be the one to save yourself, Just don't be the damsel in distress in the first place HAHAHA, such a refreshing thought.

 2019 you have been such an enlightening year of truth and heartaches and I am just so bloody grateful for the people that made all the difference. Thank you 2019 for everything and even though I dreaded going into it due to so many unknowns and fumbling around in the darkness, I'm glad I came out stronger from it.

2020. time to kick your ass.

flickering thoughts

it's been a fateful year since well, the event I did happened. technically one more week to go but then the event happened this weekend so.. ahahah.
it brought back this twisting dark swirl. of the amount of pain, sweat and tears that came from putting up a good event, and how much I just keep struggling on
being okay and being strong. Even when it was so hard to continue, I felt like I had to give it my best shot and even then, I told myself that I always had
someone waiting for me back in hall to rely on. But even then that fell apart.

it's so strange isn't it.
in the midst of loving you, i ended up letting you go.

strange i never thought a year could pass just like that
and this time, with you not at my side anymore.
honestly some nights are a little harder.
but I guess it also showed
that the heart was capable of loving after all.
even after all that has happened.

;among the crowd

pole showcase just ended awhile back and i'm still feeling the effects from it.
perhaps it was from this great yearning to perform once through dance and the amount of sheer time/efforts spend just making sure everything is okay, I'm just really glad we pulled it off albeit the minor hiccups. (or major if i'm being a bitch to myself)

reminded me of the times back in cheer, where ego is such a real thing. I realise that when I started doing pole, it is just the same. Whether to execute a difficult stunt or just downgrade it to something simpler, man, my pride always rule.

somehow a part of me couldn't invite anyone for showcase, maybe i guess there was so much worry and insecurities of it not turning out well or that my fat rolls will start coming out ahahah, I am still utterly self conscious of my body. A part i guess was because it still hurts I guess, that the person who first accompanied me to my first ever pole trial, would never be able to see it, and to replace that, feels utterly painful. Call it a fool's wish, but it's just something I wasn't able to let go at all. And then seeing everyone with someone to watch them, or to cheer for, it just destroyed me there, how much i just keep putting my emotions on a backend and how much it keeps biting me back at my ass.

but i guess, knowing he is happy now, i guess that is enough for me.
--

該說的 別說了
你懂得 就夠了
真的有 某一種悲哀
連淚也不能流
只能 目送
我最大的遺憾
是你的遺憾 與我有關
沒有句點 已經很完美了
何必誤會 故事 沒說完

還能做什麼呢
我連 傷感 都是 奢侈的
我一想念 你就那麼近
但終究 你都不能
陪我到 回不去的 遠方

我感覺到幸福
是看見你幸福
曾經親手把時間變慢
可惜我們 沒有等 我們

;

I wanted you to be there when I fall
I wanted you to see me through it all
I wanted you to be the one I loved
I wanted you, I wanted you

I wanted you to hold me in my sleep
I wanted you to show me what I need
I wanted you to know just how down deep
I wanted you, I wanted you

goodbye raven

was it stupidity or just a childish hope?
-
it felt like a final note to seeing you guys. 24 men team. It was something that you guys fought for, over and over again.
and this time, you guys made it.
I debated for a long time whether i should go, whether I should just leave it all behind.
but I guess a part of me still earnestly want to be there, to see it, one last time.
-
yet perhaps I wasn't ready,
wasn't ready for all the hurt that follow
of people judging me, for being the cause of the heartbreak
or for the accusation that I left you for someone else, or that I'm already full fledged dating again.
-
in that midst of the crowd, with a blown out panic attack,
or tears that threaten to spill.
i dont regret going. I dont regret being there seeing the progress all these years.
i dont regret cheer.
---

in the crown of thorns,
i enthrone us
the knifes i hurl at myself
the wounds i keep picking
as I spiral once more
with blood trickling.

maybe it's because ravens belong to the sky
while I belong to my solitude.

melted popsicles

like a wrenching blow to the gut,
it's been almost half a year since we last spoke, yet it felt like
this pain is a fresh one each time.

i once thought it will get easier over time.
but it seems like time only made it harder to get over you.

tell me. are you doing well. and if you have, have you move on from me.