alone does not equate loneliness

This isn't the first time I'm spending this occasion here, but this probably is one of those moment where I started feeling really sad somehow. I mean I made the choice to stay and it probably will feel the same even if I have went there, but I guess the point is I didnt. 

And that led me thinking.

Would I be okay, truly okay to spend my life this way? I mean we always joke of growing old with our 99 cats and being one of those hipster that doesnt care about people taking care of them, but when it comes down to it, is it really what we wanted? 

For me, it became a yes and a no. Sounds so contradictory. But it really make me feel comfortable being at home, catching up on movies, doing stuff I would want to do and all. But at the same time, I wasn't truly alone either. I have someone beside me, I have someone to share my meals with and that I cooked with, I have someone that complains and do random stuff with. So perhaps I guess what I can say is that while i crave company to share my life, it is not my priority. 

Perhaps one of the reasons why I'm sad is of the unfulfilled promise, that I had held dearly. That I had remember. But I guess we are still under the same sky, hopefully the meal went well. Gosh Im such a nostalgic person. Or perhaps it was the memories and the words that I held by, thinking that if I were to stay, maybe things would be different. Either way, i'm slowly letting them go. 

Because I can't be selfish and i refuse to let my emotions get the better of me. Here goes the rest of my hols and mugging before the exams start rushing in again.

i'll update whenever I can, cheerios~

the honesty's too much, and i have to close my eyes and hide. 

brushing off that dust on my shoulder
a solid pat
a job well done
i must say

hurt

"did it hurt?"
-
I took awhile to reply and I felt that ache as I breathe

"Yes"

Listening

It was the walk down
the ponder of the heart
it was the rush
the flush
the little creek
of an inch of a smile.

It was the beat
that I was used to
the slow steady chant
as if a silent recognition
or acknowledgement

blurred thought
begin to sharpen

It was the walk down
a quiet peaceful one
it was the mind
that struggled
and grasp

it was knowing everything
and forgetting
it was learning
and accepting
it was fighting to run
and learning to walk

footsteps
are a little
closer to
my sanity.

It wasn’t just me, and it wasn’t just him, it was what we were together that was the exception.

I wrote about walking disaster 2 years back and yesterday, I chanced upon the author's website and guess what she wrote two other continuations/sides to the whole series. I don't think I have ever fallen so deeply for a romance series.

Sure, I have been one of those girls that chase after book fandoms. Harry potter, twilight, clockwork series, the mortal instrument series, fifty shade series, the maze runner series etc. I think the only few I tried but keep giving up would probably be artemis fowl and percy jackson. :( I love fantasy and romance. I love how books do this to you, where you are thrown into a fiction reality where you burrow yourself deep into the character's mind and you feel their emotions running through you. But not much books impacted me much, where I would get a sense of "hangover" and craving for more.

I can't remember the first book that left me that way but the one I can recall for now was walk two moons by sharon creech. It was loaned to me by yb and perhaps it was also due to the friendship then that make this book a little more special. I'm not one for cliche or romance chessy novel where the author would just dump a sex scene here and there, which was one thing I hated about jodi picoult books even though I went on to read all her books except the newer ones. Hahahaha! I just felt that it was redundant especially, but I respected her style of writing and the amount of research she goes into to fully write in the mind of her characters, such as from a lawyer's pov, an adhd guy's pov etc. Another author I had admired was Sarah Dessan. I guess I have a craving for books that portrayed brokenness in its raw form and the thoughts/emotions reflected in them.

The other books that have strongly impacted me were: Things I wanted my daughters to know by Elizabeth Noble & Thirteen reasons why by Jay Asher.  Ohmygosh, the more I think about it, the more books I want to list down and go on about how good/bad they are. But for now, these will have to do.

HAHAHA all that sidetalk.. I forgot to mention the whole purpose of this post. I really love the beautiful series : Beautiful Disaster, Walking Disaster, Beautiful Wedding, Beautiful Oblivion.. I haven't read beautiful redemption yet so I will leave it for later.

I love this series because it always left me emotional. Utterly depressed when it is at the sad scenes to the point of tears and when it is cheery, it leaves me smiling and giggly. I guess when it comes down to it, I pretty much a hopeless romanticist.

But who won't love a Maddox?

#update : Beautiful redemption tops beautiful oblivion any day, but Im still left empty, aby and travis's love story still tops everything.

Am I wrong?

"You don't see it, when you're happy, you're infectious. I have seen how you work your way through and make me smile."

It's the days where you noticed the little things,
such as how queer people's shoes are in the train.
Or the random good morning you get from strangers
the short whistle of your favourite tune,
or the sun that you basked in.

It's hearing covers after covers
of people's interpretation of your songs.
It's when you do a little skip in your walk
and you meet familiar faces and you start to smile.

So this tune I hum: tell me am I wrong
for saying that I chose another way

I ain't trying to do what everybody else doing

Just cause everybody doing what they all do

If one thing I know, I'll fall but I'll grow

I'm walking down this road of mine, this road that I call home

So when I look at the mirror

I won't look away.

don't want to play no games.

I don't have to be afraid

Not going to give all that shy shit

No make up on, that's my sugar.
-

All the feels for the songs and for today. Happy pill for today.
gonna keep the spirits up, cause ain't gonna let anything fade

that smile. Ain't nothing I can do, following following~ 

Because i keep posting emo stuff, i thought it would be nice to post something cheerful.

This was apparently taken 2 years ago where my clique finally had full attendance for outing. I have no idea what I was trying to do in the photo. That day was dress up day where apparently everyone was supposed to wear nice attire instead of usual shorts and tee shirt, or at least attempted to. X)

So here you go, nine of us. It was supposedly 11 of us but val went america and sam went naffa and to new york to pursue dance. So those who are in singapore, are only these few peeps. It was always hard to find a common date because we are all in different schools. I remembered this day as the day we nearly got kicked out of chat because we were making so much noise. These girls were what kept me sane or insane during my upper secondary school days.

#blessed